“There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the writers, producers, and director of The Star Wars Holiday Special. You are free to use any methods necessary, but I want them alive. NO DISINTEGRATION.”
Here is a list of the most heinous of today’s criminals, and their
posted bounties, as recognized by the Bounty Hunter Trade Guild of Rodia, the Gand Guild of Findsmen,
and other respected Bounty Hunter Guilds throughout the galaxy:
NEW BOUNTY POSTINGS!
Bounty: 25,000,000 credits.
Crime: Bringing that blasted song “All By Myself” into existence, singing it, and allowing others to perpetuate its suicide-inducing poison by singing it as well.
Conditions: Alive and intact. I want to vivisect him personally.
OUTSTANDING BOUNTY POSTINGS
THE WRITERS, PRODUCERS, AND DIRECTOR OF THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL: (Limit: one per hunter)
Bounty: 20,000,000 credits apiece.
Crime: Destroying hope, joy, innocence, and good taste more thoroughly than any
totalitarian government could ever hope to do.
Conditions: Alive. Not necessarily ambulatory, or even with all their body parts
intact. Just alive.
BARNEY THE DINOSAUR:
Bounty: 10,000,000 credits, private yacht, date with the supermodel of your choice.
Conditions: Alive. No disintegrations. 5,000,000 credit bonus each if
B.J. and Baby Bop are brought in as well.
BARNEY'S KIDS: (Limit: one per hunter.)
Bounty: 1,000,000 credits apiece.
Crime: Bad acting, consorting with the Purple Demon Dinosaur.
Conditions: Proof of capture or dispatch.
Bounty: 1,000,0000 credits apiece
Conditions: Bring me their pelts and severed heads. 1,000,000 credit bonus for the full set.
Bounty: 1,000,000 credits per trainer.
Crime: Capturing rare, small, cute wild animals and making them fight to the death for amusement and profit. The last I’d heard, cockfighting, bear-baiting, and similar “sports” such as this were still illegal.
Conditions: Alive. In a turn of poetic justice, they will be forced to fight to the death. Bounty is reduced to 500 credits if trainer is brought in not alive. 1,000,000 credits bonus if that annoying twerp Ash Satoshi Ketchum is brought in. 1,000,000 credits bonus if that hot babe Jesse from Team Rocket is brought in. 1,000,000 credit fine if that irritating twerp James from Team Rocket is brought in. Also, contact Jack “The Knife” Criddle, who will chip in an additional 2,000 credits per trainer.
Bounty: 1,000,000 credits.
Crime: Being a really annoying dorsal-spine parasite.
Conditions: Preferably alive, but if he should expire, I certainly won’t mourn.
SABAN'S HERO CLONES: (Limit: one per hunter.)
Bounty: 5,000 credits apiece.
Crime: Bad acting, breeding like lemmings, draining parents’ wallets, being a pain.
Conditions: Dead or alive. If dead, bring their helmets as proof of dispatch.
DISNEY LAWYERS: (open bounty, no limit per hunter)
Bounty: 4,500 credits per lawyer.
Crime: Being dorsal-spine parasites.
Conditions: Bring me their ears.
TELEPHONE PSYCHICS: (open bounty, no limit per hunter)
Bounty: 2,000 credits per Latvian scarf or pair of big, dangly earrings produced.
Crime: Public annoyance; driving MST3K Captioners insane.
Conditions: Proof of capture and dispatch (HoloVid recording, scarf, earrings, Tarot cards).
PAPPARAZZI: (open bounty, no limit per hunter)
Bounty: 1,000 credits apiece.
Crime: (See Disney Lawyers)
Conditions: Payment upon delivery of still-twitching papparazzi. 50 credit bonus
for papparazzi dispatched in an amusing and agonzing manner (making them watch Barney and Friends.)
Scalp and camera, recording of dispatch required for bonus.
THE PERSON WHO COINED THE WORD “YEP-ER”:
Bounty: 500 credits
Crime: Coining a really annoying word.
Conditions: Please yourself.
THE PERSON WHO CAME UP WITH THE SINGING ELMO DOLL:
Bounty: 500 credits per major body part.
Crime: The above says it all.
Conditions: Mail him a piece at a time.
CRAIG KILBORN & THE DAILY SHOW WRITERS:
Bounty: 50 credits apiece...(Like they’re worth more?)
Crime: Calling Britain “an island of fat, stupid people.”
Conditions: Scalps only, please.
OTHERS’ BOUNTY POSTINGS
Bounty: 10,000,000 credits.
Crime: Wiping out the Bando Gora.
Conditions: Dead, alive, or just bring in his armor. Contact THIS MYSTERIOUS SHADOWY STRANGER for full details.
Bounty: 200,000 credits.
Crime: General annoyance; winning an award for a crappy show.
Conditions: Bring in head and vocal cords only. Contact Peej.
Bounty: 100,000 credits.
Crime: Annoying the MST3K captioneers with his perceived smugness and wholesome looks.
Conditions: Bring him in ALIVE so he can be trussed up and handed over to “B.B.”
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: . . .(or however you spell her bloody name)
Bounty: 100,000,000 credits.
Crime: Writing and singing the song “Genie in a Bottle.”
Conditions: Alive, but with vocal chords removed. Contact Jack “The Knife” Criddle. Aslo, Beedo will chip in 500,000 credits for that annoyingly ubiquitous and repellent song, “Dirrty.”
Bounty: 100,000 credits and a mint-on-card Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker with tan vest.
Crime: Being annoying, giving Muppets a bad name.
Conditions: Shot, skinned, and neatly folded. Contact Jack “The Knife” Criddle. Also, contact Beedo, who will chip in an additional 10,000,000 credits.
DEFUNCT BOUNTY POSTINGS
These bounties are considered moot, as the subjects have fallen from prominence, and are much less of a nuisance.
Bounty: 5,000 credits.
Crime: Have you heard her sing?!
Conditions: Quiet or Alive. Preferably Quiet.
Bounty: 1,000 credits apiece; 5,000 credits the set
Crime: reviving the Spirit of The Partridge Family when it should’ve been left dead.
Conditions: Needed alive for mandatory re-education deprogramming.
THE SPICE GIRLS:
Bounty: 1,000 credits apiece, 10,000 credits the set.
Crime: Singing, being hot.
Conditions: Bring ’em back alive. And in bikinis.
Reason: Targets no longer have singing careers, and are now too skinny to be considered hot.
CITIZEN WATCHES’ ADVERTISING EXECUTIVES:
Bounty: 1,000 credits apiece.
Crime: unleashing that horrible advertising campaign a few years ago that
consisted primarily of a husky-voiced woman saying “Ci-ti-zen” every second on the second, with
a ticking noise in the background. You know the one. Some people are still in therapy. It was
this ad campaign that persuaded me to buy a Seiko.
Conditions: Please yourself.