[Adventure,
time-travel, humor, amazons, mystery]

Damsel in the Rough Tempesta.

Dynamic time-travel novel about a New Yorker stuck in Greece, first century BC. Creative adventure, prehistory characters mixed with the gods of mythology and a gal from Brooklyn with a phenomenal yen to be as funny as hell!
 


Assorted Jokes

SAYINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON BUTTONS...

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

You! Off my planet!

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

Better living through denial.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier.

LIVE is the Best of Gilda RadnerGilda Radner. She does all of her wonderful characters: Emily Litella; Judy Miller; Roseanne Roseannadanna; and Candy Slice, lead singer of the Slicers, with hairy armpits in all their glory...'Gimmee Mick,' 'Let's Talk Dirty to the Animals,' and more. Guest spot with Father Guido Sarducci.
COUNTRY DOCTOR

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Learning More

 A mind is a terrible thing to waste - for that reason we must always
 strive to learn more about the meaning of life, and the details of
 history that define it.

 A Little history lesson for you...
History of Giving the Finger:
                                            _
                                          /'_/)
                                       ,/_  /
                                      /    /
                                /'_'/'   '/'__'7, 7
                             /'/    /    /    /"  /_\
                            ('(    '    '     _      \
                            \                        |
                             \                 '     /
                              '\'   \           _.7'
                                \
                                 \             \

      Giving the Finger

       Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French,
       anticipating victory over the English, proposed to
       cut off the middle finger of all captured English
       soldiers.  Without the middle finger it would be
       impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
       therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

       This famous weapon was made of the native English
       Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was                 known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

       Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English
       won a major upset and began mocking the French by                waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,              saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!  PLUCK YEW!"

       Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the
       difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
       gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F',                and thus the words often used in conjunction with the            one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have                 something to do with an intimate encounter.

       It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the               arrows used w/ the longbow that the symbolic gesture is          known as "giving the bird".

       And yew thought yew knew everything


BUMPER STICKERS ROUND THE WORLD

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

If that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive a little better.

Thank you for pot smoking.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

Horn broken...watch for finger.

I Have The Body Of A God.....Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

war of the rosesOct 5. 1999 re-release. Michael Douglas, Danny DeVito, Kathleen Turner. Barbara and Oliver Rose were the perfect couple--he was a prominent Washington lawyer, she had a wildly successful catering business, they had a great house, great art, great cars and great kids. But when their lives diverse and she sues for divorce, this black comedy shows clearly that divorce is war-- one hell of a comedy.

T-SHIRTS

(Around a picture of dandelions):
I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.

So Many Women, So Few Who Can Afford Me

God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

If They Don't Have Chocolate in Heaven, I Ain't Going.

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

I Just Do What the Voices Inside My Head Tell Me to Do.

(Picture of an open Bible on the front of the shirt, this on the back):
When All Else Fails, Read the Directions.

(Spotted on Cape Cod): If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

I Speak Fluent Patriarchy, but It's Not My Mother Tongue

What If the Hokey Pokey Really IS What It's All About?

(On the front): Yale Is Just One Big Party. (On the back): With a $25,000 Cover Charge

Coffee, Chocolate, Men . . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Growing Old Is Inevitable; Growing Up Is Optional

IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

Love May Be Blind, but Marriage Is a Real Eye-Opener.

If at First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't for You.

The Trouble With the Gene Pool Is That There's No Lifeguard.

Get a New Car for Your Spouse. It'll Be a Great Trade.

Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.


[Funny Sayings.] [Comical Wisdom] [Jokes] [Humorous One Liners] [Employment Jokes] [Why Ask Why Jokes] [Funnies]

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_March 31, 2000_annml@hotmail.com