DAMSEL IN THE ROUGH at Barnes & Nobles
|The era is Ancient Greece during the start of the Roman Empire. Amazon warriors travel in secret tribes, not always getting alone with each other. The world is a deadly, changing place afflicted by the superior technology of gods. Damsel in the Rough is Tasha Malone Fidelli, a resourceful co-ed and unwitting time-traveler from Brooklyn, New York. Excellent Sci-fi, active, packed with valid survival techniques, unique questions about prehistory events, and mostly adventure with rampant humor mixed in the lore of mythological fancy.
SAMPLE TEXT: This is Chapter 4 split into small pages, no frames, and much kinder to WEBTV browsers.
Ask for title: "Damsel in the Rough"
ISBN # 0-7388-9892-9
Author: Ann Mary Tempesta
This title is available to any Book retailer who uses Ingram, Lightening Source Inc, or Baker & Taylor Distributions. In addition, any qualifying book seller is entitled to retailers and wholesaler discounts from Xlibris Corporation. Should you decide to add DAMSEL IN THE ROUGH, please, let me know. I will add your online link/ offline information here.
Many blessings to you!
Concerning irregularities with webpage displays at Borders: and Barnes and Nobles. As yet, the large distributor that supplies Amazon.com, Borders, and Barnes N Nobles has not fully registered the title: DAMSEL IN THE ROUGH. The registration process takes 60-days from publication date in order to fully register a "Print-On-Demand" book. (Roughly, 60-days will fall on July 21, 2001.)
_____SAMPLE TEXT: This is Chapter 4 split into small pages, no frames, and much kinder to WEBTV browsers.
TOM HANKS, Adrian Zmed, Tawny Kitaen, Deborah Harmon. An attractive young woman disguised as a prostitute attends the bachelor party of her future husband in order to determine whether or not her fiance is faithful to her. The result of her "experiment" is a wild comedy of errors.
THEN and NOW:
Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm
Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office
Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo
Then: Getting stoned out of your head
Now: Getting your headstone
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid
Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints
MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES(and other social catastrophes)
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Tom Hanks, Shelley Long, Joe Mantagna, Philip Bosco. Tom Hanks stars with Shelley Long as a married couple whose efforts to finish construction on their lemon of a home are sabotaged by costly and sporadically funny accidents. The unfinished domicile becomes a metaphor for their troubled relationship, as evidenced by Long's character's attraction to a madman violinist (Alexander Godunov). Funny movie!
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