[Adventure,
time-travel, humor, amazons, mystery]

DAMSEL IN THE ROUGH at Barnes & Nobles

Also at Amazon.com

The era is Ancient Greece during the start of the Roman Empire. Amazon warriors travel in secret tribes, not always getting alone with each other. The world is a deadly, changing place afflicted by the superior technology of gods. Damsel in the Rough is Tasha Malone Fidelli, a resourceful co-ed and unwitting time-traveler from Brooklyn, New York. Excellent Sci-fi, active, packed with valid survival techniques, unique questions about prehistory events, and mostly adventure with rampant humor mixed in the lore of mythological fancy.

SAMPLE TEXT: This is Chapter 4 split into small pages, no frames, and much kinder to WEBTV browsers.

_____

JOKES 4

Did you hear about the blond guy who:



...sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...thought a quarterback was a refund.
...tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
...thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on a job application, he 
put "Hooked On Phonics."
...tripped over a cordless phone.
...spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice 
can because it said "concentrate."

...told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
WALK."
...took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
...at the bottom of the application where 
it says "sign here," put "Gemini."

...asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...sold the car for gas money
...missed the 44 bus, and took the 22 bus twice instead.
...took you to the airport, saw a sign that said "Airport
Left", turned around and went home.

JOKES

A guy goes into the doctors office, he's got a banana stuck in each ear and grapes stuck up his nose. He tells the doc "I sure don't feel very good"

The doctor replies "of course not, you're not eating right".

Subject: Ages

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 bourbon 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox AGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiance is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive." AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 "Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas." THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "Burger King" 25 "Free meal" 35 "A diamond" 48 "A bigger diamond" 66 "Home Alone" AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 a man with hair 66 a man AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 AGE IDEAL DATE 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast

RADIO BROADCAST

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Military Maintenance

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM
(S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers
       lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 
    200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" 
    and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Tactfully phrasing

negative report card comments:


1. Richard has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow Hunter to breed.
3. Billie Sue is not much of a has-been as more 
   of a definite won't be.
4. Works well under constant supervision and 
   cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she open her mouth, she only seems to change feet.

6. Josh would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

7. Sara sets low personal standards then consistently 
   fails to achieve them.

8. This child has delusions of adequacy.

9. Rex is depriving a village somewhere, of an idiot.

10. He has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic to 
    hold it all together.

11. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

12. Patrick has been working with glue too much.

13. Curtis would argue with a signpost.

14. Derrick has a knack for making strangers immediately.

15. Chase brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

16. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train
    isn't coming.

17. If you gave Dusty a penny for his thoughts, you 
    would get change.

18. Some drink from a fountain of knowledge, 
    Brian only gargled.

19. Jeremiah's wheel is turning, but the hampster is dead.

More One Liners

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