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JOKES

PARKING HUMOR

A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,making out. As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,and the fare back to town is $25."

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HOW TO BE A MODEM PEST

Make up fake acronyms.
Send segmented e-mails in no particular order.
WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS.
When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling, never responding to the content of their messages.
Send attachments as multiple zip files.
Upload biblical text files about sin or guilt and give it a title like, "Sex_craved." and see how many people download them.
Join a discussion group, and reply off-topic.
Make webpage page links to webpages of links to webpages of links . . .
Start a chain e-mail.

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THE OATH OF SOFTWARE ENGINEERS

Never write code someone else can understand.
Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names. Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something like: AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));
Type fast, think slow.
Never use direct references. Bury everything in macros. Bury macros in include files. Reference those include files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference those include files.
Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code. If they understand it, they don't need you.
Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary in the world should be generated from the same sources.
Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don't need you.
Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.
Always speak in abstract. If they understand, they don't need you.
Never complete a project on time.
When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever.
Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup. When someone asks you out to lunch, reply:

"I can't because I've almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working."

Never throw away an old listing.
Never address someone by name.
Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex logic.
Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled shirt whenever possible. Your shirt must never be tucked in completely. Button the top button without wearing a tie.

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THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES

1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. 3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes. 4. All monitors display inch-high letters. 5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical nterfaces. 6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard. 8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD". 9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off. 10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. 11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards. 12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data. 13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries. 14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. ("Demolition Man".) 15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset. 16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. 17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will. 18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger"). 19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it. 20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".) 21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms. 22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".) 23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button. 24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities. 25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer. 26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".) 27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

DVD is also available VHS. CHER and N. CAGE. A gem of a movie that unfolds like a good play, without ever seeming static or stagy. Cher plays an independent young widow who agrees to marry an older man (Aiello) --and then finds herself inexorably drawn to his misfit younger brother (Cage). John Patrick Shanley's script is brimming with wonderful vignettes and acute observations about Italian-American families. Cher, Dukakis (terrific as the mother), and Shanley won Oscars for their work.


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added April 2002: Best of HOLLYWOOD SQUARES QUOTES

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_March 31, 2000_annml@hotmail.com