Jimmy Arthur


I am Jimmy Arthur and this is my story. It isn't all true. I've changed some things for reasons that should quickly become obvious. The rest is pretty much the way it happened. Most of the time, I am going to refer to myself in the third person. It is just too creepy to talk about it any other way.

Jimmy Arthur discovered diet cola in college. He didn't want to drink the diet version, but he was at a party that ran out of regular cola. At first it tasted like crap, but bourbon made it better. So the next day he got it at the cafeteria with brunch and it tasted pretty good in combination with the pancakes. Here is the deal- even for big fat guys like Jimmy Arthur there is such a thing as too much sugar and fat. You need a sharp, stinging taste like diet cola to scour all the goo off your tongue. (Jimmy Arthur is not a sissy boy aesthete- he just knows what he likes.) So this was the first reason that Jimmy Arthur found to like diet cola. He found others.

Jimmy Arthur discovered many things in college. The key to driving women wild was not one of them. He did find that he liked computers and computer games. Strategy games were particularly good, but pretty much anything would do. (Except text games like Zork. Anyone diverted by working through a text-only maze is a near autistic geek, in Jimmy Arthur's view.) Like bourbon or heavily syruped pancakes, computer games go well with diet cola. A typical night would see Jimmy Arthur awake at two in the morning awash in the blue light of the computer monitor, his brain zinging with caffeine, his gut bloated with carbon dioxide. He would be thinking, "I am going to quit after one more screen of Lode Runner." Self deception is a common problem for weak-willed people, so Jimmy Arthur could pull this stunt three or four times a week. Typically, Jimmy Arthur was not fresh as a daisy for his eight o'clock organic chemistry class.

There is not much else that is interesting about Jimmy Arthur's college career. He had friends, he drank beer, he enjoyed a vastly inflated image of himself. He also tried drugs, had a little sex, watched television. He had no idea what to do with himself after graduation. So he started graduate school in computer science. Throughout the whole process he drank a lot of diet coke. It didn't matter what kind. Jimmy Arthur probably could not tell the difference between Coke or Pepsi. Mostly, he drank Coke, because he had a vague feeling that it was a classier brand. Pepsi seemed a little nouveau riche. Any of them would do, though. What mattered was that the soda was cold, fully carbonated and filled with caffeine. If Jimmy Arthur didn't get at least 24 fluid ounces before 10 A.M., there were going to be headaches and maybe a little agitation. He knew he was an addict, and that was a source of some amusement. So he continued to sit in front of computers for most of the day, with empty diet cola cans piling up around him, throughout his uneventful graduate career. He drank diet cola on his first job, too, slowly increasing the volume of his intake until, late one night, he began to hear voices.

#2- Jimmy Arthur finds love

#3- Jimmy Arthur's mother

#4- Jimmy Arthur introduces Tiffany to his friends

#5- Hobie Buppert drops a dime

#6- Jimmy Arthur has a bad morning

#7- Fob Jackson gets a new client

#8- Jimmy Arthur's love shack

#9- Hobie Buppert meets with a valued client

#10- Jimmy Arthur finds the Yellow Submarine

#11- Janice Arthur gets proactive

#12- Jimmy Arthur's eventful morning



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