Code of Proper Usage of the Personal Flag of Steve Kramer
I. Description and Design
The Personal Flag of Steve Kramer (PF, hereafter) represents the
individual known as Steven Lee Kramer, born 10 January 1966 in Baltimore,
Maryland, United States of America, Earth (Sol 3), and the fun, eclectic,
and hopefully non-normal things for which he stands.
The PF is a rectangular blue flag of 3 units in length along the hoist and
5 units in width from hoist to fly, charged with a gold cross bottony
throughout and a white star of sixteen points, with the points of the four
classic compass directions elongated, in the first quarter so defined.
The exact colours and other design specifications are left to the designer
until such a time as they are set by Steve Kramer.
II. Appropriate Treatment
The PF should never be trailed, dirtied, spread upon the ground, or
displayed in a damaged state, and should be kept out of adverse weather
conditions when possible, except when a really dramatic effect is desired.
Burning is appropriate only as a means of disposal (see Section VII.,
Disposal) or for a really, extremely dramatic effect, and shall be taken
as a sign of strong disapproval otherwise. Spitting upon, otherwise
excreting upon, or treading upon the PF is considered desecration and
shall be taken as a request to be beaten senseless.
The spillage of bheer or similar beverages upon the PF is not to be taken
as a sign of affront to the PF or Mr. Kramer. It is, however, alcohol
abuse, and should be avoided.
The PF is only dipped as a sign of Steve Kramer's personal respect, and
therefore must be approved of by Mr. Kramer each time. There are no
pre-proscribed instances for doing so.
Using the PF to keep yourself warm or dry in adverse weather conditions,
such as those which might be encountered after a United States soccer
match, is permissible only by members of Steve Kramer's immediate family.
III. Appropriate Display
The PF is appropriate for display on land or at sea, and is considered
extremely appropriate on a beach. When flown or displayed singly, the
PF's star will be kept at the upper left.
The PF is displayed in a subordinate position to the following flags: the
flag of the United States, the flag of the state of Maryland, the flag of
Howard County, Maryland; the flag of the Commonwealth of Port Colice, the
flag of the Province of Worthington; and the flag of the Flags of the
World internet mailing list and Web site.
Otherwise, as part of a group of flags, the PF shall be displayed on its
own right, except at a function in which Steve Kramer will be
participating, in which case it is displayed either directly in front of
or behind Mr. Kramer, or as close as possible to his right, or in a place
of Mr. Kramer's choosing.
The PF may be displayed at half-staff as a sign of Mr. Kramer's mourning,
or the recognition of the passing of a great being. These periods of
display will last for 24 hours, and may be extended by Steve Kramer if he
so chooses. The PF may be half-staffed for shorter periods not to exceed
24 hours when the Baltimore Orioles lose, or when similar bummers occur.
The PF may be displayed upside-down in two situations only: as a sign of
extreme duress, or to indicate that Mr. Kramer's current location is
inadequately supplied with appropriate potables.
IV. Occasions of Display
The PF shall be displayed on the following personal holidays:
10 January: Steve Kramer's Birthday
13 April: Steve and Lise's Anniversary
The PF *may* also be displayed on the following personal holidays:
3 March: Lise Mendel's Birthday
9 May: Abigail Kramer's Birthday
15 October: Dorothy Kramer's Birthday
(Special exception: When displayed on 9 May, the PF must *not* be
displayed in a superior position to the Personal Flag of Abigail Kramer.)
The PF *may* also be displayed upon the following occasions:
o Any Twelfth Night Celebration or Weaselcon
o Any Baltimore Orioles victory
o Any Colician holiday
o Any occasion when Steve Kramer feels like it
The PF is properly saluted with an appropriate beverage. The saluter
faces the PF, lifts the container holding the beverage forward at
eye-level (or, if this cannot be attained, as high as the saluter's
reflexes will allow), speaks a few appropriate words (see Section VI.,
Pledge) if so desired, and concludes by quaffing the beverage. It is
extremely important to note that water is *never* considered an
appropriate beverage for a proper salute.
If no beverage is available, an alternative salute may be performed. The
saluter faces the PF, stands erect, thumps hir chest with hir right fist,
then, with the right elbow bent, points hir right index finger straight up
into the air and waves hir right hand in a small circle two or three
times. When properly performed, this salute should be a comedic parody of
the salute used by the crew of the Mirror Universe's _Enterprise_ on the
episode of the 1960's television show _Star Trek_ entitled "Mirror,
Members of the military may substitute the salute appropriate to their
service, provided it is performed in a way that is much more jaunty and
flippant than would ordinarily be tolerated by their superiors.
Members of the Church of the SubGenius may substitute the "Turkey Salute"
peculiar to their Church.
There shall be no fixed pledge to the PF. The pledger may say any
appropriate and respectful words sie is moved to say. Good toasts,
particularly in conjunction with a proper salute (see Section V., Salute),
are best, especially the YAA (Young Alcoholics of America) Toast as
invented by one James Dement:
"Here's to us, and them like us. Damn few -- and
they're dead. Lucky bastards..."
Any PF which has been damaged beyond repair, desecrated (see Section II.,
Appropriate Treatment), or touched by Bill Gates, is considered to be
dishonoured and must be disposed of by one of three proscribed methods:
burning, taping it into a cardboard box and tossing, or burying in soft
peat at a depth of no less than 20 cm.
A short ceremony, where the PF shall be given one final salute, and one
final two-word pledge -- "See ya!" -- will precede every disposal.
VIII. Code Enforcement
The penalty for violation of any of the above provisions is one sixteen
ounce potable, the variety of which is selected by Steve Kramer, payable
immediately and directly to Mr. Kramer.
Failure to pay the proscribed penalty, or especially egregious violations
of the Code, may be further punished by short duration and intensity
bursts of ridicule and abuse upon the transgressor, until such time as the
penalty is paid.
Done and approved by my hand, this 3rd day of March, 1997 A.D.