David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and Man United have put him on the transfer market for ten quid because he's playing rubbish.
As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder and asks "Are you OK David?" David explains how his life is a mess and gets ready to jump! "STOP!" shouts father Christmas. "I'll grant you any three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favour."
"That would be top!" says Beckham. "Cheers Father Christmas, thank you, thankyou."
So Beckham lists his three wishes which are:
1) In the Argentina match he didn't kick the argy but shoots from the freekick and scores. ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and he is a National Hero.
2) He marries posh spice and lives in happiness for evermore.
3) He is made best footballer in the world by FIFA and his wages go up to a million a week.
Father Christmas says OK all your wishes are granted. "Oh thank you thank you!!!" says Beckham. "What do I have to do?" Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over.
After a brutal rogering, blood everywhere, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is.
"24" replies Beckham.
"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat gay Man City fan.
Alex Ferguson is curious how Arsenal won The Double last year, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Arsene Wenger coaches his team. After a day he sees nothing different about the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp. "Simple," answers the Frenchman. "I sometimes ask my players a difficult question and that way they stay really sharp mentally." Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Dennis Bergkamp to come over to the touchline. Arsene asks: "Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?" "That is not difficult," Dennis answers immediately "Of course, that is me" "You see? That's the way you keep them sharp," Wenger says to Fergie.
Ferguson goes back to Manchester hugely impressed. Back at The Cliff next day, he calls David Beckham over to the touchline. "David, I have a question for you," he says. "He is not your brother but still he is your father's son. Who is he?" "Bleedin' 'ell," comes the reply. "That's a tough one, can I sleep on it? Why've you asked me that anyway?" Fergie explains it has to do with continental coaching and agrees with the one-night postponement.
That night, Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played in Europe, maybe he knows something about their coaching methods. "Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question: 'He is not your brother but still he is your father's son, who is he?'" "That is easy," says Stam. "That is 'me'." The next day, David walks up to Fergie, full of confidence. Fergie asks "David, do you know the answer to my question now?" "Yes, it was actually very easy," he says, "the answer is Jaap Stam!" Ferguson rolls his eyes skywards. "No, of course not you stupid bastard. It's Dennis Bergkamp!"
Young nightclubbers were amazed to see Gianluca Vialli and Arsene Wenger out one night early last week enjoying a pint together. Apparently, one young lady approached Wenger and said "will you give me your autograph?"
"Of course" replied Wenger, ever the amiable Frenchman. (Yes, contrary to evidence propounded at Old Trafford, not all Frenchman are arrogant twats.)
"Sign here then," she said and lifted her skirt. "On me leg here".
So Arsene signed, just above her knee where she pointed. Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so the second one said, "Me too Howard, sign here!" She promptly lifts up her T-shirt.
Wenger of course being a gent duly obliges. The third one then whips off her knickers, points and says, "Sign here," showing Wenger exactly where to sign his name. "Sorry," said Wenger. "But only Alex Ferguson signs twats!"