The Excellent Wife
Chapter Eleven: "Intimacy-The Wife's Response"
The following is a summary adaptation of material from "The Excellent Wife"
by Martha Peace. Taken from "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace, pp.
119-127. Copyright, 1999, Focus, Publishing, Bemidji, Minnesota. Used with
permission for the purposes of this devotional series only. May not be
reproduced or forwarded without the express consent of the publisher.
Last week we discussed the wife's reverence for her husband and studied
Biblical principles to help us carry out God's command. The wife should
respect her husband as her husband, his position as ordained by God, and her
conversation and character should be an example of her devotion to him and
This week our lesson turns to Intimacy, the wife's response. As I studied
the lesson, I thought how fitting this chapter is in the book. It is in the
right place! "How can a wife have a fulfilling sexual relationship with her
husband if she does not respect him?" Many of our sexual struggles stem from
wrong views that we have in our hearts. We struggle with so many different
issues when it comes to intimacy.
"How then do we get a right and clear perspective of what intimacy really
is?" To understand physical intimacy as God intended, we must consider His
The sexual bond that a husband and wife share is a gift from God, contrary to
what the world may think. We have to remember this...It's a gift from God.
He designed us to have this "oneness" relationship. God designed sex in
marriage for physical intimacy and for the procreation of life. Genesis 1:28
says, "Be fruitful and multiply fill the earth and subdue it." God's plan is
right and good and it still stands today.
When there is physical intimacy, the relationship is enhanced and oneness and
closeness are gained. God designed us, as husband and wife, to have a
physical relationship. Companionship through sexual intimacy is reserved for
husband and wife. As companions, we are able to experience a mutual giving
and receiving of pleasure, and protection from temptation of seeking sexual
pleasure outside of marriage. Through companionship a private, physical, and
intimate bond is achieved.
Husbands and wives are to respond to each other physical desires. You do not
have authority over your own body. The husband nor the wife has the option to
refuse sexual relations unless hindered providentially.
It's important for us to know that as the wife, we are to respond to our
husband physically as commanded by God. We are not to defraud our husbands.
We should make it as a priority even when we don't feel up to it. We can be
creative in this and not see it as a dreadful thing. If the timing is off,
you can arrange your schedule so that you can spend time with your husband.
You want him to know that his sexual needs are important to you. You want him
to be ravished with your love. If you have to give a raincheck and make sure
that you honor that raincheck as well. ;-)
"When you respond with a NO to your husband's desire for sex, what are you
saying to him?" Ask yourself if you are being selfish in putting yourself
first. If so, you are defrauding him. To "defraud" means to cheat. You are
cheating him out of the opportunity to fulfill his God-given desire for
intimacy. He may think that he's not loved (to most men sex portrays a high
degree of the wife's love for him). He may even become frustrated and feel
unimportant which can lead to temptation. God wants both of you to be
fulfilled sexually. When not in the mood, you can concentrate on those
characteristics that make your heart flutter when you think of your husband.
You can also go "get in the mood" by putting on perfume or reading a quick
love poem. Ladies, we can become creative! "Oh how creative we were when
Scripture teaches more on this subject and this lesson would not be complete
without spiritual guidance from the Word of God. I love how applicable God's
Word is in all areas of our life. On page 123, Mrs. Peace gives us six
Biblical principles to consider for sex within the marriage.
-Sex Within The Marriage Is Holy And Good
Let the marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be
An "undefiled" marriage bed means that the couple has sexual relations and
neither one is unfaithful to the other nor impure in their thoughts or
actions. There is no shame in physical intimacy nor is it unholy when our
action, thoughts, and motives are pure before God. The wife is pleasing to
God and he views what she is doing as "good."
-Pleasure Is Assumed And Is Not Sinful
I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me. 'Come, my beloved, let us go out
into the country, let us spend the night in the villages. Let us rise early
and go to the vineyards; let us see whether the vine has budded and its
blossoms have opened, and whether the pomegranates have bloomed. There I
will give you my love.'
Song of Solomon 7:10-12
Pleasure resulting from physical intimacy between husband and wife is assumed
by Scripture. It should be fun. It should be a sweet time between each
married couple. Begin asking God to bless your time together and to renew
your love/pleasure for your husband.
-The Wife Should Be "Other-Oriented" And Not "Self-Oriented"
I was asleep, but my heart was awake. A voice! My beloved was knocking:
'Open to me my sister my darling, my dove, my perfect one! For my head is
drenched with dew, my locks with the damp of the night.' "I have taken off my
dress how can I put it on again? I have washed my feet, how can I dirty them
again? "My beloved extended his hand through the opening, and my feelings
were aroused for him. I arose to open to my beloved...
Song of Solomon 5:2-5
In being "other-oriented," a wife should thin about her husband and his
attributes that draw her to him. She should compliment him often on the
qualities that she admires. Think of him. Anticipate being with him. Seek
to change for the betterment of your marriage. The Lord will help you if you
ask Him. It is both husband and wife's responsibility to be "other-oriented"
and not "self-oriented."
-Sexual Relations Should Be Regular And Continuous
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times...
There is no set formula ladies! It should be often enough that neither one
is experiencing frustration and temptation. Don't fall into the trap of
rarely or not having sex at all. Sexual intimacy should be a regular and
continuous part of your relationship.
-The Wife Should Never Bargain With Her Husband In Return For Her Favors
Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each
one of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely
look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of
Bargaining with your husband in return for favors is selfish. These kind of
motives are unrighteous. It is also self-serving because you are seeking to
gratify your own desire. Don't be manipulative. Sex is not a weapon. God
did not create it to be that way. Your motive is not to be what you can get
from your husband but how you can honor and glorify God.
-Sex Relations Are To Be Equal And Reciprocal
Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to
her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the
husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his
own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement
for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again
lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
I Corinthians 7:3-5
Equal and reciprocal sex relations means that either the wife or the husband
may and should initiate sex. Either should feel free to do so and must be
considerate of the other person. Anything goes as long as what you do is
mutually agreeable, pleasurable, and not offensive to the partner. Exceptions
would be anything that is sinful such as pornography, X-rated movies, sharing
sexual fantasies about other people,etc. (See Galations 5:19)
You can see that the wife has several biblical obligations to her husband
regarding physical intimacy. It is your duty to satisfy him as completely as
possible. God would not give us the desire to satisfy our husbands and not
the ability to do so. We don't because we don't want to or because we don't
know how to Well, you have many tips and scriptural motivations to help you
in this area. If you haven't been thinking about sex, or participating in
it, you are not honoring your husband as God intended sexually. You can fix
that right now, by confessing your sin before the Lord. He is willing and
able to forgive you and restore you. He is full of compassion and He will
not judge those who have a repentant heart.
Mrs. Peace closes with these words on page 127:
"God is good and sex within marriage is good. Won't you view it His way and
respond to your husband unselfishly in love?"
"How will I respond to God's message?"
As the Lord leads you, answer one of these questions that pertain to our
1) After reading the lesson, which Biblical principal is the Lord dealing
specifically with in your heart right now?
2) Take that principal and pray that God would help you glorify Him as you
seek to honor your husband as commanded by scripture. Share with the group
how you are going to practice the scriptural principal in your marriage.
3) Has your view of intimacy in the marriage changed in light of this lesson.
If so, share with us how your view is now different.
4) If God has blessed your marriage in the area of intimacy share with us
some Godly "tips" that would help a sister who may be struggling to obey God
in this area.
May the Lord bless you as you seek to obey Him.