These are the things that bart has written on the chalkboard during the opening credits. (they're a lot funnier to read than the couch joke in the newer episodes).

• I will not waste chalk
• I will not aim for the head
• I will not skateboard in the halls
• I will not barf unless I'm sick
• I will not burp in class
• I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
• I will not instigate revolution
• I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
• I will not draw naked ladies in class
• I will not conduct my own fire drills
• I did not see Elvis
• I will return the seeing-eye dog
• Funny noises are not funny
• I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
• I will not snap bras
• Garlic gum is not funny
• I will not fake seizures
• They are laughing at me, not with me
• This punishment is not boring and meaningless
• I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
• My name is not Dr. Death
• I will not encourage others to fly
• I will not defame New Orleans
• I will not fake my way through life
• I will not prescribe medication
• Tar is not a plaything
• I will not bury the new kid
• I will not Xerox my butt
• I will not teach others to fly
• It's potato, not potatoe
• I will not bring sheep to class
• I will not trade pants with others
• A burp is not an answer
• The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
• I am not a 32 year old woman
• Teacher is not a leper
• I will not do that thing with my tongue
• Coffee is not for kids
• I will not drive the principal's car
• I will not eat things for money
• I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
• I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
• I will not sell school property
• The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
• I will not cut corners
• I will not squeak chalk
• I do not have diplomatic immunity
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom
• I will not get very far with this attitude
• Goldfish don't bounce
• I will not make flatulent noises in class
• Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
• I will not belch the National Anthem
• No one is interested in my underpants
• I will not sell land in Florida
• I will not sell miracle cures
• I will not grease the monkey bars
• Underwear should be worn on the inside
• I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
• The Christmas pageant does not stink
• I will not do anything bad ever again
• I will not torment the emotionally frail
• I will not show off
• I will not call the principal "spud head"
• I will not carve gods
• I will not sleep through my education
• I will not spank others
• I am not a dentist
• I will not bribe Principal Skinner
• Spitwads are not free speech
• I will finish what I start
• Nobody likes sunburn slappers
• "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
• High explosives and school don't mix
• Hamsters cannot fly
• All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
• I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
• My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
• I am not deliciously saucy
• Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
• I will not send lard through the mail
• I will not use abbrev.
• Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
• Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
• Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
• There are plenty of businesses like show business
• I will not dissect things unless instructed
• I will not hang donuts on my person
• No one wants to hear my armpits
• I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
• I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
• I will not strut around like I own the place
• Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
• The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
• I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
• I am not a lean mean spitting machine
• The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
• I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
• Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
• I do not have power of attorney over first graders
• Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
• I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr
• I am not certified to remove asbestos
• "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
• I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
• I will remember to take my medication
• The boys room is not a water park
• Beans are neither fruit nor musical
• Nerve gas is not a toy
• "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
• The First Amendment does not cover burping
• Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough