That's right, Bastard fans...

Advice straight from The Four Bastards!

Nate, Jason, Ryan, and Tim are giving some fucking good advice out, right here, for fucking free! Can you believe it? That's right, we're crazy Bastards! Send us a question about abso-fucking-lutely anything at all, we don't give a shit. We got the advice on every damn thing you could possibly think of, I shit you not. And, if by some miracle of God we don't know the answer, we can bullshit our way through it better than anybody. It's all cool! We'll set you on a path straight to a fullfilling lifestyle! Well, maybe not, but we will tell you how to "smack your bitches up," dammit!

To send in your question: email us at and if we like your question, we'll post it here along with a snappy-ass response that's sure to set your life in its own proper, natural order.

Saw that you gave free advice, so here goes:
I'm a forty year old male who happens to be a conductor of a mass transit train that happens to be in Chicago. You know what they used to say about Chicago, "If you can't shit in the can, come shit in our river." Anyhow, I've somewhat followed that advice. You see, when you're running the express for five or six hours, you can't suppress your urges anymore, if you know what I mean. That's why I've started wearing Depends. They're thirty pounders. They last me four days. Anyhow, in the past I've forgotten that I was wearing them, because... well, it's like when you roll up a joint and stick in behind your ear and then you forget that it's there and so then you don't feel so selfconscious when you go up to the cop and tell him about the crack whore who just fucked you out of twenty dollars cause she says those things are warts on your dick, and at the end of all that you reach up to scratch your ear and there's the joint? Well, it's basically the same except the joint is my dick, the ear is my ass, the cop is my wife, the crack whore is my girlfriend, the twenty dollars is our food stamps, and those warts on my dick are really warts on my dick. So, I guess my question is: what's a masectomy and where can I get one?
Darnell Morton

Well, I really don't see a problem with the fact that you wear depends. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating the use of adult diapers, but hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go, and if you're too lazy to go shit in the river, I can respect that. If there's one thing us bastards know about and respect it's being as lazy as motherfucking possible. As far as the warts go, you don't want to be refused service by whores anymore, so get rid of them! I would try to slice them off with an Exacto hobby knife. Better yet, if you're not too good with knives, maybe try burning them off with your lighter. Of you could try the old-school trick for wart removal--get a straight pin hotter than fuck (hold it over your lit lighter for a while) then stick it straight into the wart. The wart should then blacken and fall off within a few days. However, I can't help thinking that maybe there's a connection between wearing a piss-and-shit-filled diaper around for four days and genital warts. I'm surprised you don't have some sort of fucked-up rash. I'm even more surprised that people (whores) will still let themselves get close enough to your stank ass to notice the fact that you have genital warts. Now that's scary!

Editor's note:
I received the following rather malevolent email from Mr. Morton:
"My god, I call on the basterds fur some goddamn advice and all you give me is this shit? What the fuck man, I gotta pay the billz, you got it? Fuck off y'all. You couldn't review a ficjin movie if you wife dependent on it and there you go! You see? Fick in basterds, yall....
God damn it fuckers
You could learn a lesson or two from Tupac. Word up.
Darnell Morton"
Well, first off, I want to apologize simply because I thought you were just being facetious when you asked about the masectomy, but apparently you were serious. A masectomy is a breast removal, and you can probably obtain one at any hospital, provided, of course, you actually have breasts to remove. If this is the case, I think genital warts is probably the least of your problems because your body is very confused. We think you were actually thinking of a vasectomy instead. That cuts off the flow of semen in males inhibiting the ability to impregnate scandalous bitches. You can probably get this done at an urologist's office. As far as Pac goes, of course we could learn a lesson or two from the man! After all, the whole world could! Also, we don't have wives. We're just in college! Seriously man, get your warts looked at by a doctor. Those are never good news... or so I hear. And if you must wear Depends, for God's sake, change them daily; don't wait four. My goodness man!!! Once again, sorry!

Hey Bastards... Please help me. I am truly MORTIFIED!! My boyfriend picked me up for a date the other night, walked me to his car, opened my door to let me in and I FARTED! It was the loudest, smelliest thing I ever did. I always get nervous before a date and I just couldn't help myself (plus I am lactose intolerant). While he was walking around the car to get in I said to myself in a loud whisper, "Please don't let it smell...please don't let it smell!" Well he opened the door, climbed in, and said, "Did everyone introduce themselves?" In the back seat were two of his friends!!! How should I feel??
Upset stomach

How should you feel? You should feel like a fucking stank-ass bitch! I mean, for God's sake, don't fart! Fucking shit, what did you eat? It smells like baby food. Ha ha ha, just kidding! Don't hate me. Look, I'm sorry for being mean, but I'm a bastard, what can I say? However, my real question is this: what kind of a guy picks up someone for a date with two of his friends in the backseat? What a weirdo! Actually though, I wouldn't worry about it. If your dude is cool he probably respects a chick that's not afraid to fart, and his friends probably feel the same way. Don't worry, guys think farting is funny, not gross like girls do. They probably loved it. Thanks for writing, and don't fuck over your man! I know it's inbred in your female geneology to act and think like the devil, but resist the temptation! We know that your hearts pump not blood like ours, but rather a thick black viscous tar that can only be described as pure unadulterated evil, but come on! We poor bastards can't take much more of this scandalous bullshit!!! But I digress...

OK motherfuckers, its either you or that bigbeehived hairdo boring bitch Ann Landers I fuckinhate her she needs a good lay .You guys outha gang bang the anyway...I got this motherfuckin goddess fo agirlfriend right? 16 built, gorgeous...girl of my dreams right?so we have big monster fuck session and were layin ther talkin in the lull and she is still about half lit from partyin and then she drops da bonb and my whole sooryass-knew-it-was-too-good-to-be-true-motherfuckinA-world crashes and burns Turns out when she leaves me and goes home herancient,decrepit foster father is layin the root to her! holy motherfuckin shit I totally flipped and she starts cryin and blowin snot and shit and layin all that total female bullshit guilt stuff on me,fuckit all. I mean who could be with her after knowing this shit ? I know she has been in like 14 foster homes or sonething was she wankin all of um?This is some freakin warped shit. she says she doesnt enjoy it with him only me but i idnt just get off a freakin banana boay ok? I mean this is a girl i totally trustedFUCK MAN I kept askin her why why and she said if she squalled she didnt know where she would wind up and she might never see me again. Now my problem is i wanna dump her but I am afaid she will off herself.She has htis bigtime fear of rejection thing going and shes always laying on the guilt thing you know your all i got blahblah. its like she almost thinks she owes it to them for keepin her there. Says she could be somewhere worse..fuckinA what the fuck could be worse? and as far sa owin them whats she gonna do if some guy is nice and opens the door for her or somekinda shit? drop on her knees and blow him right there?Fuckin screwed up bitch I tell ya so should i just dump the whore and not worry about her offin herself? I still kinda fell bad cause shes had a ruff life and no family and all, but i cannot handle this sick shit. I am just fucked no matter what right?

OK now wait, let me get this straight.. she's the girl of your dreams but now you wanna drop her just because her foster father finds her as attractive as you? I mean, make no mistake about it, the guy's obviously a sick fuck, but man, come on! If she's the girl of her dreams, don't drop her, HELP her! It's not like she's been fucking all of her foster parents. If that's the case, then you need to drop her, but I doubt that's what's up. I got some bomb-ass advice for ya -- get her to move in with you! There is definitely something to be said for in-house bitches. After all, remember what Cube says, "Life ain't nothing but bitches and money!" Well, you've got half of life right there. Be sure to check back here because I'm going to get Tim's drunk ass to write you some advice too. Thanks for writing!

I am the land lord of a all male dormitory. There are approximately 50 men who live in this "house" with me. As landlord I get approx. $2000 per year off my own rent. There is this one guy who lives next door to me that is really destructive, loud and Drunk. He is Drunk all the time and is encouraged by these two Lebanese assholes, TD and RC, who live in apartment 207. This really destructive guy, RM, appears to have the same IQ as the puppy, Shiner, that lives down the hall. I know that approx. 90% of the holes in the walls are caused by these three "resident assholes". However every time I confront them they are either too drunk or passed out to give me a cognitive answer. How would you suggest that I approach my problem without pissing off the other assholes that dont give a fuck what happens around here?

First of all, there's no such thing as "too drunk." I don't recognize any validity at all in that statement. It seems to me that the Lebanese fuckers and the destructive guy are all right. If there are holes appearing in the walls, I would try getting stronger walls.

Have a problem? Give our shit a try! Email us at and we'll get jiggy with it.


Question #1:

My girlfriend is really pissing me the fuck off, man. She like, fucked this other guy at this party we were at, then she tried to tell me she thought it was me or some shit like that. Then she started hassling me in front of her teenybopper friends when I was trashed last weekend. "You fucking drunk loser, blah blah blah..." That kind of shit, you know? But after that, went back to her place and had wild, sweaty animal sex all night long. I'm in one pisser of a predicament here: Do I dump this bitch because she treats me like shit, or should I continue to see her, if only for the deviant sexual acts we perform all night long?
name withheld


Welp, here we go with yet another example of scandalous bitches. What the fuck is up with you damn scandalous bitches? What the hell ever happened to... oh, I don't know... MORAL behavior?!?!? What the fuck is going on? Anyway, I can't even believe for a second you would actually think that she was telling you the truth about thinking it was you when she was fucking the other guy. It's some funny shit, but come on, there's no way in hell that's what happened. Drop the bitch like a bad case of crabs. If you like the sex, keep talking to her so you can do her and all of that, but look for another girlfriend; this one's definitely NOT a keeper. When you find someone new, drop her on her ASS like the whore that she is. Then, and only then, will you feel the sweet subtle bliss of good old-fashioned cold-hearted revenge. She fucked around on you and bagged you in front of her bitchass friends, for God's sake! Better yet, when you do give her the big boot, do it on Jerry Springer and really fuck her ass over!

Question #2:

Okay, I've been gettin' jiggy wit this slut-hoe for a while now, but lately, after reading Tim's "George of he Jungle" Preview Review, I haven't been able to tear my ass away from the WB's Lawrence brothers' show just to catch a glimpse of Nell Carter's plumpity rump. Now I can't be satisfied. I told my hooker to eat & tan a lot but to no avail. What do I do? I need my Nell Spice!
"Whooa Wannabe," Tahlequah, OK


Dear Wannabe, I understand your peril. I too was quite happy with this cute little blonde girl I was dating, untill I read Tim's review of "George of the Jungle." Granted, she couldn't suck dick for shit, but she had a GREAT ASS. Then, I read Tim's review. I dropped that little bitch like a bad habit. I didn't know what to do. I finally started fucking this huge stinky whore named Tameka. She would eat ass for twenty bucks. If you gave her crack you could shit in her mouth. I thought to myself, now I am happy. But after awhile it grew old. This bitch was dirt. It was ruining my life. The smell would follow me around, no matter how much I showered. I didn't know what too do. I went to ask Tim for his advice and I will never forget his answer, "fuck her." You see, what Tim knew and the rest of suckers didn't was that Nell is a slut. Nell is fucking dirt. The bitch will do anything for a good set of nuts. Tim gave me a number to reach Nell at. Now if I give you this number you have to use it then write back and tell us what you think. The number is 1-800-BIG-SLUT. Call it and keep us informed.

Listen up stinky nuts, fuck her. Drop that bitch. I understand your dilemma. Nell inspires me like no other hefty humper can. In communications class we learned about non-verbal communications, and I related everything to Nell. When I say hello I do it with a hard right handed slap to the ass. She then replies with a tug on my engorged cock. Before you know it, she's eating bananas like Amy from Congo while I am slapping her ripply ass. This doesn't sound like much, but believe you me, she bucks like a mule getting an enema. I finish off our non-verbal session by sprinkling cornstarch on her puckered love funnel while she watches Cannoball Run with Burt kickin' some ass. Don't ask, just say, "Yes Tim, you make no sense but you are right. I will drop this punk-ass bitch I'm with and start on my search for Nell or a look-a-like." Good luck my friend, and keep on fucking.

Question #3:

Hey bastards, I need some help with some translations for Spanish class. Como se dice...
"go fuck a tree, pervert"
"what the hell, fucker?"
"go to hell you piece of shit"
"stop whining, bitch"
"this site sucks."
...en espanol?
~just kidding on that last one. your site rules. Thanks!
Spanish Ho in Winikipipo, CO.


Hey, and thanks for writing. The direct translations, as best as I can say, are (in order):
"Coge un árbol, perverto."
"¿Que el infierno, cabrón?"
"¡Vaya a infierno, pedazo de caca!"
"Deja de gemir, puta."
"Este sitio chupa."

Question #4:

Hey Bastards'!!!! I need some advice, i have got a major problem. I walked in on my boyfriend last month, in the arms of another man!!!! He said he could explain, and then went on to ask if i was willing to join in. Well, i did and now the thing that really frustrates me, is that the other guy was much more attractive and entertaining than my current botfriend. Now when i am intimate with my boyfriend, i am thinking of the other guy and once i even screamed out his name. Please help me, what should i do?

Advice: First of all, NEWS FLASH, your boyfriend is fucking gay!! What the hell is the point of going out with the sick fuck if if you're obviously not going to "grow" in the relationship? Lose the nasty-ass bitch! Second of all, why not keep poling the other guy if he's a good fuck? I mean, he's obviously gay too, so don't get all sprung out on his homo ass, but you may as well keep him around for booty calls and what not. DISCLAIMER: this advice does not apply to non-whores. If you are not a whore, you shouldn't fuck anybody except your boyfriend.

Question #5:

I'm in a lot of trouble and I was hoping you guys would help. I'm a married man in my early 50's. I have one child, a girl, who is currently in college. I have a pretty important job in a large "corporation". Well, a couple of months ago I got a couple of blow jobs from this volunteer while I was at work. After I zipped up I thought everything was cool. Now I'm starting to get some flak. Everyone at work ... hell, it seems like the whole country ... is talking about it. And I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job, my marriage and be an embarrassment to the whole world. Please help!
B. C.
Washington DC


Well, gee B.C., that's a tough one! One thing you definitely shouldn't do, however, is try to tell her to lie for you. Scandalous bitches cannot be trusted, no way, no how. As a matter of fact, no bitches can be trusted. If you try to get her to lie and shit like that, she will just go and tell some of her bitchy friends (and we all know how stupid bitches' friends can be, telling them all kinds of bullshit), and then her friends will blab it all around or maybe even record it, and then you're really screwed, because then literally everybody in the country would know about it! The thing is, if you're married, why are you getting blowjobs from your volunteers? Why don't you, oh, I don't know... GET YOUR WIFE to suck you off? What the hell, have you messed around on her before or something and now she won't touch your ass? Secondly, where do you get your volunteers? We could use some interns around The Four Bastards' office.... Actually, it seems to us that you have no problem pulling wool. Since this is the case, forget about your wife! Divorce the fucking bitch if she's not satisfying you, and then you can fuck and get sucked all you want without having to worry about shit! See what I mean? Fuck it all!

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This site visited times since its conception on January 23, 1998. Page updated on April 5th, 1998.