Laurel & Hardy Quotes

Habeas Corpus

Stan: "Don't you think the professor is a trifle cuckoo ?"
Ollie: "He is as sound mentally as you or I."

Unaccustomed As We Are

"You know, there's a right and wrong way to do everything."

Perfect Day

Ollie: "Why don't you do something to help me ?"
Stan: "What can I do ?"
Ollie: "Throw out the clutch. That's easy."

Bacon Grabbers

"That hot Corsican blood of yours is always getting' us in trouble."

The Hoosegow

(title card reads 'Neither Mr Laurel nor Mr Hardy had any thoughts of wrong doing - As a matter of fact, they had no thoughts of any kind -')

"Here, you can't do any harm with that."

Night Owls

"I believe you're getting old and nutty."


Stan: "We drank your liqueur."
Mrs Laurel: "That wasn't liqueur, it was cold tea."


"You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."

Below Zero

(title card reads 'The freezing winter of '29 will long be remembered - Mr Hardy's nose was so blue, Mr Laurel shot it for a jaybird -')

Woman: "About how much money do you boys average a street ?"
Ollie: "I would say about fifty cents a street."
Woman: "There's a dollar. Move down a couple of streets."

Ollie: "Bring me a parfait."
Stan: "Put one on my steak too."

Hog Wild

(title card reads 'Mr Hardy was beginning to forget things but Mr Laurel had no fear of losing his memory - As a matter of fact, Mr Laurel never had a memory to lose -')

Stan: "Do you mind if I help you ?"
Ollie: "I don't mind ... that is if you'll help me."

Another Fine Mess

(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy have many ups and downs - Mr Hardy takes charge of the upping, and Mr Laurel does most of the downing -')

Ollie: "Call me a cab."
Stan: "You're a cab."

Be Big

(title card reads 'Mr Hardy is a man of great care, caution and discretion - Mr Laurel is married too -')

Ollie: "There's nothing to getting a boot off. You don't have to drag me around the room. It's most embarrassing. Let's concentrate and use our brains. Rome wasn't built in a day. Remember the old adage; a task slowly done is surely done. Do you understand ?"
Stan: "Sure. A cool head never won fair lady."

Chickens Come Home

(title card reads 'Every man has a past with some little indiscretion he would like to bury - Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy have thirty or forty they would like to cremate -')

Mrs Hardy: "And how is Mrs Laurel ?"
Stan: "Oh fine thank you."
Mrs Hardy: "I'd love to meet her some time."
Stan: "Neither do I too."

Laughing Gravy

"Don't keep doing that. You sound like a seal."

Our Wife

(title card reads 'Mr Hardy was making big preparations to get married - Mr Laurel was taking a bath too -')

Ollie: "Tell her we want to get married."
Stan: "We want to get married."

Come Clean

(title card reads 'Mr Hardy holds that every husband should tell his wife the whole truth - Mr Laurel is crazy too -')

Ollie: "Go into the kitchen and get me a pitcher."
(Stan returns carrying a frame)
Ollie: "What's that ?"
Stan: "A picture."

One Good Turn

Stan: "Well, I don't know anything about cutting wood."
Ollie: "Well, you ought to. You once told me your father was in the lumber business."
Stan: "Well, I know he was but it was only in a small way."
Ollie: "What do you mean small way ?"
Stan: "Well, he ... he used to sell toothpicks."

"One twenty five."

Beau Chumps

Ollie: "Didn't I just tell you I was going to be married ?"
Stan: "Who to ?"
Ollie: "Why a woman of course. Did you ever hear of anybody marrying a man ?"
Stan: "Sure."
Ollie: "Who ?"
Stan: "My sister."


"The doctor said I might get hydrophosphates."

Ollie: "Shut up and get this mess cleaned up. Do you know that my wife will be home at noon ?"
Stan: "Say, what do you think I am, Cinderella ? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you."
Ollie: "Well it's a good thing you haven't any sense."
Stan: "It certainly is."

Stan: "Well I guess there's nothing else I can do."
Ollie: "No, I guess not."

Any Old Port

(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy were just home from a whaling voyage - Mr Hardy shipped as head harpooner - Mr Laurel went along as bait -')

"We'd like a room with a southern explosion."

Stan: "Can you beat that ?"
Ollie: "What ?"
Stan: "What a terrible cat's after me."

The Music Box

(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy decided to re-organise and re-supervise their entire financial structure - So they took the $3.80 and went into business -')

"Hey listen. Don't you think you're bounding over your steps ?"

The Chimp

Ollie: "That's the last time that I'm going to be in this end of the horse."
Stan: "Well I can't go in there."
Ollie: "Why ?"
Stan: "Well you look better in that end than I do."

County Hospital

Stan: "I've brought you some hard boiled eggs and some nuts."
Ollie: "Now you know I can't eat hard boiled eggs and nuts. If you wanted to bring me something, why didn't you bring me a box of candy ?"
Stan: "They cost too much."
Ollie: "What's that got to do with it ?"
Stan: "You didn't pay me for the last box I brought you."


Judge: "You're charged with vagrancy. Are you guilty or not guilty ?"
Ollie: "Not guilty Your Highness."
Judge: "On what grounds ?"
Stan: "We weren't on the grounds, we were sleeping on the park bench."

Pack Up Your Troubles

"We're not looking for him, we're just trying to find him."

"How much would you charge me to haunt a house ?"

Their First Mistake

"Say listen. I just got a couple of tickets for tonight for the cement workers bazaar. Can you come along ? We might win a prize. They're giving away a steam shovel."

Stan: "You know, it's a well known fact that all the happiness in the home ... when you have a baby ... and ... and ... and there's a wife and ... you ... and ... the ... w .. baby ... it's a well known fact."
Ollie: "I'm beginning to think that you're right."
Stan: "You bet your life I'm right. You know, I'm not as dumb as you look."

Towed In A Hole

"Well, if you caught a fish ... then whoever you sold it to, they wouldn't have to pay for it ... then the profits would go to the fish ..."

Twice Two

"Say listen. Ollie wants to take us out tonight to celebrate our university."

Me And My Pal

Mr Cucumber (Fin): "Where is Mr Hardy ?"
Stan: "He's right here, and he told me to tell you that we just left - ten minutes ago."

The Midnight Patrol

Ollie: "We're just in a nick of time"
Stan: "What time is it ?"

Busy Bodies

"Would you mind opening the window ?"

Dirty Work

"I have nothing to say."

Sons Of The Desert

"You know, I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants."

Ollie: "Why did you get a veterinarean ?"
Stan: "Well I didn't think his religion would make any difference."

Oliver The Eighth

"Well I couldn't help it, I was dreaming I was awake. And then I woke up and found myself asleep."

Going Bye Bye

"Excuse me please, my ear is full of milk."

Them Thar Hills

Stan: "What'll we have for dinner ?"
Ollie: "How about a plate of beans and a pot of steaming hot coffee ?"
Stan: "Swell ! You sure know how to plan a meal."

The Live Ghost

"Well I heard the ocean is infatuated with sharks."

Tit For Tat

"He who filters your good name, steals trash."

The Fixer Uppers

"Say listen. If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right in the nose. And I'm just the fellow who can do it."

Thicker Than Water

Stan: "Are you going to let her talk to you like that ?"
Ollie: "I certainly am not."
Stan: "I don't blame you. Why she talks to you like water off a ducks back."

The Bohemian Girl

"Do you believe me or believe what I see ?"

Our Relations

"We'll give 'em enough rope so we can hang ourselves."

Way Out West

"Her Father died and left her a goldmine. And we're not supposed to tell anybody but her."

Lola: "Tell me about my dear, dear Daddy; is it true that he's dead ?"
Stan: "Well, we hope he is, they buried him."

Lola: "What did he die of ?"
Stan: "I think he died of a Tuesday."

Ollie: "Every cloud has a silver lining."
Stan: "That's right. Any bird can build a nest but it isn't everyone that can lay an egg."

Swiss Miss

Ollie: "Well, this is your idea. Coming all the way from America to Switzerland to sell mousetraps. Whatever gave you that idea ?"
Stan: "Well, I thought there'd be more mice here than anywhere."
Ollie: "And just why should there be more mice here than anyplace else in the world ?"
Stan: "Well, don't they make more cheese here ?"


Ollie: "Why didn't you tell me you had two legs ?"
Stan: "Well, you didn't ask me."

The Flying Deuces

"Well that's that. No use crying over split milk."

A Chump At Oxford

"You know what the trouble is don't you. We never had no education. That's whats the matter. You see, we're not illiterate enough."

Oxford Student: "Pardon me but haven't you come to the wrong college ?"
Ollie: "Well, this is Oxford isn't it ?"
Oxford Student: "Yes but you're dressed for Eton."
Stan: "Well, that's swell, we haven't eaten since breakfast."

Saps At Sea

Dr Fin: "What you need is a complete rest. Plenty of peace and quiet. And a strict diet of goats milk."
Stan: "Do ghosts have milk ?"

Copyright © 2001 Stan & Ollie