Laurel & Hardy Quotes
Stan: "Don't you think the professor is a trifle cuckoo ?"
Ollie: "He is as sound mentally as you or I."
- Ollie gives his opinion about the professor who has asked them to steal a corpse from the graveyard.
"You know, there's a right and wrong way to do everything."
- Ollie gives a lecture on common sense moments before walking into a gas filled kitchen with a lighted match.
Ollie: "Why don't you do something to help me ?"
Stan: "What can I do ?"
Ollie: "Throw out the clutch. That's easy."
- Stan takes Ollie literally and instead of releasing the clutch pedal, throws it out of the car instead.
"That hot Corsican blood of yours is always getting' us in trouble."
- Ollie quashes Stan's plan to throw a brick through the window so they can get the radio set.
(title card reads 'Neither Mr Laurel nor Mr Hardy had any thoughts of wrong doing - As a matter of fact, they had no thoughts of any kind -')
"Here, you can't do any harm with that."
- Ollie hands Stan a spade just before getting whacked on the head with it.
"I believe you're getting old and nutty."
- The exasperated police chief tells his butler (Fin) exactly what he thinks of him.
Stan: "We drank your liqueur."
Mrs Laurel: "That wasn't liqueur, it was cold tea."
- The Boy's get riotously drunk before discovering their drinks were non alcoholic.
"You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan prophesises as to how to get the kids to behave.
(title card reads 'The freezing winter of '29 will long be remembered - Mr Hardy's nose was so blue, Mr Laurel shot it for a jaybird -')
Woman: "About how much money do you boys average a street ?"
Ollie: "I would say about fifty cents a street."
Woman: "There's a dollar. Move down a couple of streets."
- The Boys musical talents aren't appreciated by everyone.
Ollie: "Bring me a parfait."
Stan: "Put one on my steak too."
- Stan's table manners fail to impress.
(title card reads 'Mr Hardy was beginning to forget things but Mr Laurel had no fear of losing his memory - As a matter of fact, Mr Laurel never had a memory to lose -')
Stan: "Do you mind if I help you ?"
Ollie: "I don't mind ... that is if you'll help me."
- A reluctant Ollie agrees to let Stan help him rig up an aerial on the roof.
(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy have many ups and downs - Mr Hardy takes charge of the upping, and Mr Laurel does most of the downing -')
Ollie: "Call me a cab."
Stan: "You're a cab."
- Ollie's request for a taxi is taken literally by Stan.
(title card reads 'Mr Hardy is a man of great care, caution and discretion - Mr Laurel is married too -')
Ollie: "There's nothing to getting a boot off. You don't have to drag me around the room. It's most embarrassing. Let's concentrate and use our brains. Rome wasn't built in a day. Remember the old adage; a task slowly done is surely done. Do you understand ?"
Stan: "Sure. A cool head never won fair lady."
- Ollie discusses the merits of taking off his boot with Stan.
(title card reads 'Every man has a past with some little indiscretion he would like to bury - Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy have thirty or forty they would like to cremate -')
Mrs Hardy: "And how is Mrs Laurel ?"
Stan: "Oh fine thank you."
Mrs Hardy: "I'd love to meet her some time."
Stan: "Neither do I too."
- Stan's reply leaves Mrs Hardy puzzled.
"Don't keep doing that. You sound like a seal."
- Ollie gets annoyed with Stan's constant hiccups.
(title card reads 'Mr Hardy was making big preparations to get married - Mr Laurel was taking a bath too -')
Ollie: "Tell her we want to get married."
Stan: "We want to get married."
- Stan faithfully repeats Ollie's request to the JP's daughter.
(title card reads 'Mr Hardy holds that every husband should tell his wife the whole truth - Mr Laurel is crazy too -')
Ollie: "Go into the kitchen and get me a pitcher."
(Stan returns carrying a frame)
Ollie: "What's that ?"
Stan: "A picture."
- A slight misunderstanding when Ollie needs a jug to buy ice cream.
Stan: "Well, I don't know anything about cutting wood."
Ollie: "Well, you ought to. You once told me your father was in the lumber business."
Stan: "Well, I know he was but it was only in a small way."
Ollie: "What do you mean small way ?"
Stan: "Well, he ... he used to sell toothpicks."
- The Boys argue over who should chop the wood.
"One twenty five."
- Stan shouts out the time in the middle of an auction.
Ollie: "Didn't I just tell you I was going to be married ?"
Stan: "Who to ?"
Ollie: "Why a woman of course. Did you ever hear of anybody marrying a man ?"
Ollie: "Who ?"
Stan: "My sister."
- The Boys have a discussion about Ollie's impending engagement.
"The doctor said I might get hydrophosphates."
- Stan explains to Ollie why he missed the party.
Ollie: "Shut up and get this mess cleaned up. Do you know that my wife will be home at noon ?"
Stan: "Say, what do you think I am, Cinderella ? If I had any sense I'd walk out on you."
Ollie: "Well it's a good thing you haven't any sense."
Stan: "It certainly is."
- The Boys argue over the workload with Stan coming off for the worse.
Stan: "Well I guess there's nothing else I can do."
Ollie: "No, I guess not."
- With Ollie's house completely burnt to the ground, the ever-helpful Stan offers to leave.
(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy were just home from a whaling voyage - Mr Hardy shipped as head harpooner - Mr Laurel went along as bait -')
"We'd like a room with a southern explosion."
- Stan asks for a room with a southern exposure.
Stan: "Can you beat that ?"
Ollie: "What ?"
Stan: "What a terrible cat's after me."
- Stan offers a cryptic exclamation when he finds out about Mugsy's engagement.
(title card reads 'Mr Laurel and Mr Hardy decided to re-organise and re-supervise their entire financial structure - So they took the $3.80 and went into business -')
"Hey listen. Don't you think you're bounding over your steps ?"
- Stan tells the policeman he's overstepping his bounds.
Ollie: "That's the last time that I'm going to be in this end of the horse."
Stan: "Well I can't go in there."
Ollie: "Why ?"
Stan: "Well you look better in that end than I do."
- Ollie's ample physique perfectly suits the rear end of the pantomime horse.
Stan: "I've brought you some hard boiled eggs and some nuts."
Ollie: "Now you know I can't eat hard boiled eggs and nuts. If you wanted to bring me something, why didn't you bring me a box of candy ?"
Stan: "They cost too much."
Ollie: "What's that got to do with it ?"
Stan: "You didn't pay me for the last box I brought you."
- A reluctant Ollie spurns Stan's gift of food.
Judge: "You're charged with vagrancy. Are you guilty or not guilty ?"
Ollie: "Not guilty Your Highness."
Judge: "On what grounds ?"
Stan: "We weren't on the grounds, we were sleeping on the park bench."
- An innocent Stan falls foul of the Judge's question.
"We're not looking for him, we're just trying to find him."
- Stan explains exactly to the policeman why they're looking for Mr Smith.
"How much would you charge me to haunt a house ?"
- Ollie's quip leaves the grim looking Official fuming.
"Say listen. I just got a couple of tickets for tonight for the cement workers bazaar. Can you come along ? We might win a prize. They're giving away a steam shovel."
- Stan tells Ollie what he has planned.
Stan: "You know, it's a well known fact that all the happiness in the home ... when you have a baby ... and ... and ... and there's a wife and ... you ... and ... the ... w .. baby ... it's a well known fact."
Ollie: "I'm beginning to think that you're right."
Stan: "You bet your life I'm right. You know, I'm not as dumb as you look."
- The Boys contemplate adopting a baby to appease a wrathful Mrs Hardy.
"Well, if you caught a fish ... then whoever you sold it to, they wouldn't have to pay for it ... then the profits would go to the fish ..."
- Stan explains his brilliant business plan to Ollie.
"Say listen. Ollie wants to take us out tonight to celebrate our university."
- Stan tells his wife what Ollie has planned for their anniversary.
Mr Cucumber (Fin): "Where is Mr Hardy ?"
Stan: "He's right here, and he told me to tell you that we just left - ten minutes ago."
- Ollie's well laid plans for a good excuse are toppled by Stan.
Ollie: "We're just in a nick of time"
Stan: "What time is it ?"
- Stan queries Ollie's exclamation.
"Would you mind opening the window ?"
- Ollie's fingers are trapped in a window pane and his request to Stan to free them results in Stan opening another window.
"I have nothing to say."
- Ollie tries to remain dignified after having been blackened with soot and pushed off the roof by Stan.
"You know, I may not be king of my castle, but I certainly wouldn't allow my wife to wear any pants."
- Stan tells Ollie who the boss is in the Laurel household.
Ollie: "Why did you get a veterinarean ?"
Stan: "Well I didn't think his religion would make any difference."
- A slight misunderstanding as Ollie's request for a Doctor gets him nowhere.
"Well I couldn't help it, I was dreaming I was awake. And then I woke up and found myself asleep."
- A sleepy Stan defends himself against why he fell asleep.
"Excuse me please, my ear is full of milk."
- Ollie apologises on the telephone after Stan passes him a tin of milk instead of the receiver.
Stan: "What'll we have for dinner ?"
Ollie: "How about a plate of beans and a pot of steaming hot coffee ?"
Stan: "Swell ! You sure know how to plan a meal."
- Stan compliments Ollie on his meal planning skills.
"Well I heard the ocean is infatuated with sharks."
- Stan gives his opinion about the high seas.
"He who filters your good name, steals trash."
- Stan agrees that Ollie shouldn't let a slanderous remark pass without retaliating.
"Say listen. If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right in the nose. And I'm just the fellow who can do it."
- Stan tells Pierre exactly what he thinks of him.
Stan: "Are you going to let her talk to you like that ?"
Ollie: "I certainly am not."
Stan: "I don't blame you. Why she talks to you like water off a ducks back."
- After a run-in with Mrs Hardy, Stan offers some words of encouragement to Ollie.
"Do you believe me or believe what I see ?"
- Stan justifies seeing Ollie's wife in the arms of another.
"We'll give 'em enough rope so we can hang ourselves."
- A defiant Stan tells Ollie exactly what their plan to stay out all night will do for the wives.
"Her Father died and left her a goldmine. And we're not supposed to tell anybody but her."
- Stan tries to keep a secret in front of a scheming James Finlayson.
Lola: "Tell me about my dear, dear Daddy; is it true that he's dead ?"
Stan: "Well, we hope he is, they buried him."
- Stan's words of comfort fail to have the desired effect.
Lola: "What did he die of ?"
Stan: "I think he died of a Tuesday."
- Stan offers an alternative answer to Lola's question.
Ollie: "Every cloud has a silver lining."
Stan: "That's right. Any bird can build a nest but it isn't everyone that can lay an egg."
- The Boys console a devious Lola.
Ollie: "Well, this is your idea. Coming all the way from America to Switzerland to sell mousetraps. Whatever gave you that idea ?"
Stan: "Well, I thought there'd be more mice here than anywhere."
Ollie: "And just why should there be more mice here than anyplace else in the world ?"
Stan: "Well, don't they make more cheese here ?"
- Stan reasons with Ollie as to why they're selling mousetraps in Switzerland.
Ollie: "Why didn't you tell me you had two legs ?"
Stan: "Well, you didn't ask me."
- An exasperated Ollie questions Stan after having carried him for the last five minutes under the impression that Stan had only one leg.
"Well that's that. No use crying over split milk."
- Stan's words of comfort fail to have the desired effect when Ollie's intended turns down his marriage proposal.
"You know what the trouble is don't you. We never had no education. That's whats the matter. You see, we're not illiterate enough."
- Stan explains to Ollie why the Boys never get anywhere.
Oxford Student: "Pardon me but haven't you come to the wrong college ?"
Ollie: "Well, this is Oxford isn't it ?"
Oxford Student: "Yes but you're dressed for Eton."
Stan: "Well, that's swell, we haven't eaten since breakfast."
- Stan demonstrates just how literate the Boys are.
Dr Fin: "What you need is a complete rest. Plenty of peace and quiet. And a strict diet of goats milk."
Stan: "Do ghosts have milk ?"
- Stan mis-hears Dr Fin's prescription for Ollie's hornophobia.