How to Ride a Rhinoceros
How to Ride a Rhinoceros
By: Louis Phillips
Told by: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen

I'm Ashley Olsen. I'm Mary-Kate Olsen. And this is the story of "How to Ride a Rhinoceros", by Louis Phillips.

Let's suppose for some reason you decide that you want to ride a rhinoceros. The first thing you will need is a saddle.

Now let me tell you something. A rhinoceros saddle is difficult to find. You cannot go down to the store and say "Please, Sir or Ma'am, I should like to buy a rhinoceros saddle. Could you please show me one in different styles?"

Since it would be easier to find an invisible needle in an invisible haystack than it would be to find a rhinoceros saddle in your local 5 and 10 cents store, we are happy to present to you one or two rhinoceros saddles you can make from objects lying around your house--depending, of course on just how messy your house is.

The first thing you will need is the rhinoceros saddle, but the very next thing you will need is the rhinoceros itself. Actually, if you think about it, the rhinoceros is probably the main thing you will need. If worse came to worse (and it often does) you could always ride bareback. But riding a rhinoceros bareback is not recommended by those in the know.

In looking for a rhinoceroses, you much remember that there are more things that are not rhinoceroses than there are rhinoceroses.

HINT: Start your search with something round, something that has two horns

FURTHER HINT: It is not a garbage truck.

Please do not confuse a rhinoceros with any other animal or thing. It would be very embarrassing to you if you told you friends you were going rhinoceros riding and if you then climbed on the back of a cow. Or a tricycle. Or a popcorn vending machine.

JUST HOW DO WE RIDE A RHINOCEROS?

Well, let's get right down to it. Actually, getting right down to a rhinoceros is no easy task. You will need at least one friend to help you, and you should have some knowledge of the rhinoceros personality.

THE RHINOCEROS PERSONALITY:

There is no such thing as a typical rhinoceros personality. But you might consider the following:

1. Most rhinoceroses like to watch football on television.

2. Few rhinoceroses will turn up their noses at a pickle.

3. Most rhinoceroses do not work for a living.

4. Most rhinoceroses do not look particularly handsome in bathing trunks

5. Very few rhinoceroses know how to read (this is indeed a very good thing, because if a rhinoceros read a book like this, he would get so mad, we'd all have to move to new Zealand).

Knowing what we do about the personality of the rhinoceros, may I suggest that you wait for a very hot summer day, you walk right up to the rhinoceros, look in squarely in the eye, and say, "Mr. Rhinoceros, I know an air-conditioned place where you can watch football on television and eat pickles. Let me climb upon your back and I'll ride you over to where it is."

WARNING: Even if you do sit down upon the back of a rhinoceros (being very careful to sit far away from its horns), there is absolutely no guarantee that the rhinoceros will go where you want it to go!

There rhinoceros, as you can well imagine, has much more say in the matter than you ever will. However, there is some suggested equipment that you may use in guiding your animal.

CAUTION: It would be easier to tie your shoelaces with one hand tied behind your back while hanging upside down in a bowl of jello than it would be simply to sit down on the back of a rhinoceros.

SPECIFIC EXAMPLE: Even if you have a particular destination in mind, don't play on it, buster, because you are going to go wherever the rhinoceros wants to go.

For example, two summers ago, a young lady named Ms. Eliza Valk climbed onto the back of her double-parked rhinoceros and ordered it to run three blocks to her house. She was shopping in New York City at the time. Six days later, she ended up in Africa because the rhinoceros had some relatives there he wished to visit.

THIS, WE CONCLUDE: Rhinoceros riding is not for the faint of heart.

To prove our point, we have selected several snapshots taken over the years of other rhinoceros rides.

ANOTHER PROBLEM ARISES: Let us say that you have managed to find:
A. a friendly rhinoceros,
B. a rhinoceros saddle.
Have you thought about just how much it is going to cost you to feed your rhinoceros?

FACT: The cost of feeding a rhinoceros is enormous, almost as enormous as the rhinoceros itself.

It would be easier to tie bananas to your toes, apples to your ears, and pears to your nose, and go on television as The World's First Living Fruit Salad, than it would be to pay the food bill for a pet rhinoceros.

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR CONCLUSION: how should you ride a rhinoceros? Very, very carefully. So, if you should decide to ride a rhinoceros, use the helpful hints presented in this book and plan ahead.

YES. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!


Ride a Rhinoceros
Sung & Written by: Glenn Bennett
You can ride on a pony.  You can ride on a bike.
It could be a big two wheeler, or a shiny new red trike.
You can ride an elevator, or catch a ride on the bus,
But you'll never know the real thing, till you ride a rhinoceros!

You won't spend a lot of money on tires and oil and gas, Just promise him a pickle and watch him go real fast. He gets better with age, his paint won't crack or rust, I just don't know why more folks don't ride a rhinoceros!

Chorus: It's the latest in four legged drive, He can easily sit four kids wide, He's got a genuine leather exterior hide, All you have to do is climb on top And ride, ride, ride!

All your friends will be amazed, when you ride down the street, Just hold on tight, you'll have to use both hands and your feet. It's not an easy job, your friends will make a fuss. If you want to be noticed, just ride a rhinoceros.

Chorus

He never gets stuck in traffic, he isn't hard to park, Make sure he wears his yellow vest if you ride him after dark. If you take him to a Drive-In, bring him lots of cheese popcorn, He's got no lights or radio, but Oh what a horn!

Chorus