The Pretender Fanfic Funny Parts

Newest additions to this page are located at the bottom. These segments from various fanfics are things that I found funny or witty when I read them. I hope you like them as much as I do. If you'd like to e-mail me with comments or suggestions, or you have a fanfic you think I'd like, my e-mail address is jarodandmissparker at yahoo dot com.

Disclaimer: Some material on this page may be spoilers to the actual fanfics that they're from

From Vanessa Nichols' 'Solitaire'

She looked at him again. "Been playing doctor?" she asked sarcastically.

He grinned at her wryly. "You were a willing patient." he quipped.

"I was *unconscious* Jarod." she pointed out impatiently.

Still he smiled. "Exactly." he concurred. "The best kind."

From Laurie Braithwaite's 'For the Love of Mommy'

Miss Parker regarded the doctor with a look of annoyance,
as she fought to maintain some level of civility. "I...I
came in here for a checkup on my ulcer, Doctor. Not for a
bloody pregnancy test," she hissed, feeling betrayed.

"You wanted to know why you've been feeling so poorly of
late," the doctor stated, mirroring Miss Parker's sober
gaze. "The reason being you're pregnant."

"I was hoping I had cancer," she confessed.

From Laurie Braithwaite's 'For the Love of Mommy'

"Tell me who the father is!" he demanded.

"I don't know," she answered. She had an idea,
but would not indict the poor sap, on a hunch.

"Tell me!"

She shook her head. "It one."

"No one?" he yelled. "A non-existent man cannot impregnate a woman!"

From Laurie Braithwaite's 'Old Friends'

"Miss Parker, do you know what you get...when you
play a western song backwards?" Jarod asked to lighten the mood.

"Do I care?"

"You get your spouse back, your employer rehires
you, and your family pet returns."

She looked at him, not even slightly amused.

"I don't get it either." He shrugged. "Maybe I told it wrong."

From Laurie Braithwaite's 'Old Friends'

"Humans are like stars," he theorized.

"What? We're all balls of hot gas?" she asked, smartly.

From Mandy's 'The Bottle Show'
Added: July 14, 2004

Miss Parker casts a sneaky glance at my body. It would seem
Iím not the only one in lust here. A brooding silence ensues.
This is probably all a part of Dr Charlesí plan. Kill us through
sexual frustration. Oooh. Thatís a good one.

"This is probably all a part of Dr Charlesí plan. Kill
us through..." then again, she doesnít need her gun to kill
me, "Kill us through boredom." I say, catching myself
just in time.

From Mandy's 'The Bottle Show'
Added: July 14, 2004

I had sex with Miss Parker. I have this purely masculine urge
to go out to some seedy bar, shoot pool and brag.

From Keeper March's 'Graceland'
Added: August 17, 2004

I drive to Jarodís latest lair. I donít even
unholster my gun. I just walk in and ask for a red

"You Miss Parker?"
"The one and only."
"Howíd you know? About the red notebook, I mean?"
"Same script, different cast."
"Huh?" the man behind the desk asks, handing it over.
"Donít worry about it. And you can save your speech
on what a great guy Jarod is and how he helped you out. Iím sure he is
and Iím sure he did."

Extended pause.

"He wasnít that great a guy. Kinda gave me the creeps
with all the stuff he didnít know. I almost thought
he was retarded."

This makes me chuckle and I lower my sunglasses and
look at the guy in the eyes.

"You just made my week with that one," I say and slap
down a $50 bill.

From Ginger's 'A Fate Worse Than Death'
Added: August 27, 2004

The trip to the drugstore began innocently enough. Bambi picked
out a toothbrush, shampoo, flower-scented body wash, and a few other
assorted toiletries and cosmetics. She spent a considerable amount of
time in the nail products section, picking out just the right top
coat to protect the brand-spanking-new airbrush on her fingernails.

"Palm trees," Jarod observed bemusedly, wondering how
he'd managed to miss that detail.

"I love the beach and Rocco says we'll go to Florida someday.
Wait 'til you see my toes," she added, wagging her eyebrows suggestively.

"Which reminds me," she muttered under her breath as she
headed toward the back of the store. Jarod dutifully followed, slowing
to a standstill when he realized with horror where she was going.

Stopping at the rack she perused the available options then turned
to consider him, her brow knit with concentration. After several of
the most uncomfortable moments of Jarod's life she shrugged and said,
"What the hell," then cleared one rack. Pausing a moment,
she pressed a finger to her chin then gave him one more quick glance
before clearing another rack.

"I think we're done here," she announced, a phrase so
evocative of the woman she used to be that it sent Jarod reeling.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when she planted a kiss high on
his jaw line, just below his left earlobe, as she passed him heading
toward the checkout. For several moments he just stood there, immobilized
by the prospect of the daunting task ahead of him as he stared blankly
at what remained of the condom display in the wake of Bambi.

From Jill Kirby's 'True'
Added: April 27, 2005

Whatever reaction Jarod had expected from her, it was
clear this wasn't it; she could see the surprise in his
eyes as she moved. And, boy, moving was interesting. Dancing
in this mass of people meant dancing against Jarod. Right
against Jarod. Flat up against him, body to body, the silk
of his shirt hissing against the thin knit of hers. She felt
his breath catch as her breasts brushed against him, and his
hands tightened on her arms.

Jarod was nothing if not adaptable, God bless his little
Pretender heart.

This version of my Pretender fanfic funny parts page was born on June 28, 2004.
Last Update: April 27, 2005