Are you an English major? If you aren't, you're entering dangerous territory, my friend. This page is dedicated to that breed of individuals who know pain, who know strife, who know what it's like to read 'til their eyes implode: the English majors. The life of an English major is a hard one, full
of torment and agony. I created this page to try and alleviate some of that pain. By sharing some of my knowledge, as a
graduate, I hope to lessen the burden of those who are just starting on this long and torturous journey. (Okay, stop with the gagging noises. Everyone knows English majors are melodramatic.)
First, we must identify what it takes to be an English major. Here is a list of the things that I consider to be vital to any English major's survival. Some items are silly and some are serious, but ALL are important.
An overwhelming desire to read. If you don't have this one - get out while you can.
A copy of The Oxford Companion to English Literature. This is the mother of all cheat sheets; everybody who's anybody(and even a few who aren't) is outlined in this book. You know that obscure character who only had one line in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream? That's the kind of stuff you'll find here.
Lots of No-Doz.(Just go and buy out your local drugstore, okay?)
One of those fancy reading lights that hooks onto the top of your book. Unless you want to spend thousands of dollars on future chiropractic care - get one.
An editor. It's amazing how many English majors can't spell.
A high tolerance for pain. It hurts when you drop your copy of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare on your foot.
At least one Norton's Anthology.(There are different editions.) This book contains most of what you will be studying at your respective university or college. You will learn to loathe it, but it will certainly come in handy.
A second language. You will find that many authors, ancient and recent, make little comments in languages other than English. I myself can read German, French, and a bit of Spanish, but if you're a less adventurous type, and want to stick with more comfortable territory, try taking a course in Middle English. Hey, I guarantee you'll be able to understand Chaucer and Malory better than anybody else.
Glasses or contact lenses. Trust me - if you don't have them already, you'll need them soon enough.
A big eraser.
A basic knowledge of the Bible. Medieval authors like to quote the Scriptures a lot and it would be helpful if you knew that the Judas they're talking about is NOT a heavy metal band from the 80's.
The ability to write evasively. The importance of this will become quite evident when your professor asks you to write an essay on Sidney's Arcadia and you realize that you thought he/she was speaking about some place in Australia.
A lighter. It's always fun to burn that one special textbook after the big final.
Special thanks to Jon Gibby James Quasimoto Hartwell for his aid in the compilation of this list.
As I said before, English majors need to like to read. Here are a few authors, poets, and playwrights that, in my humble opinion, you should be familiar with by the time you embark on your journey into the world of English...
DISCLAIMER: this list is entirely subjective. Please do not send hate mail and death threats to the owner of this page simply because your favorite author is not on here.
As an addendum to the previous list, I would like to tack on a link to a fantastic page concerned with all sorts of literature.
And if you ever start to feel that your major is pointless, or that you're going to end up having a career that requires you to endlessly intone, "Would you like fries with that?" , please take a look at this site, provided by the English Department of Mississippi State University.
If there is something you would like to see on this page, or if you just feel like discussing the trite denouments of 20th century literature, please feel free to drop me a line.