and reflector tips
|| Why everything you
do on the channel is wrong
You've heard that some people are using Cu-SeeMe for things that your
mother wouldn't approve of, so you hit the channel #cuseemesex, which you
somehow feel may have people on it doing the unmentionable things on camera.
BUT, the channel is full of people and you don't know how to see
anyone, so what are you to do? Well, you can read the rest of the information
on these web-pages for a start.
"But I've done all that already, and I've still never seen anyone!
You're all a bunch of elitist idiots!" You may shout, in which case this
simple guide to behaviour is for you. It's not a 'how-to' guide for getting
CU connections, nor is it a collection of '101 Guaranteed IRC Chat-up Lines',
but rather some general hints.
CU-SeeMe Pecking Order
Yes indeedy, there is a pecking order when it comes to sexual Cu-SeeMe
sessions, which is roughly like this (in descending order):
As you can see, if you don't have a camera, then you are at a huge
disadvantage before you start, so spend some money and get one, and you'll
immediately be higher on the list than pond scum.
- Couples with a camera
- Single women with a camera
- Single men with a camera
- Pond scum
- Amoebic Dysentery
- Skippy the Wonder Mule (who doesn't have a camera)
- Everyone else without a camera
- "Bi-Fems without a camera"
But before you think that as soon as you are all camera'd up you'll
be home free, you're not. The pecking order is still in full effect, and
you must remember that at all times. Your position on the list will determine
to some degree your 'success' rate (if by success you mean the amount of
flesh you see), and I'll address each of them individually.
Couples with a camera
Couples basically are the top of the Cu food chain, they will get to see
just about anything they want. And what they usually want are other couples
or single women. Why they are don't seem to be interested in single men
is rather odd, as I'm sure that the female half of the couple isn't always
bisexual and would rather enjoy seeing a man from time to time.
However, there are quite a few people who use nicks like 'moron-cpl'
who turn out to be men who's wife 'has just nipped to the shops'. Now under
these circumstances the thing to do would be to change your nick to 'moron-him'
and relegate yourself to single man status.
Do not pretend to be a couple when you are a single man just
so you get connects to couples or single women as you'll get disconnected
quickly and probably exposed as such in the channel. And trust me, having
the whole channel know you are a saddo won't improve your chances at all.
Oh, and one last thing, don't think that by using a mannequin
that you'll make people think that you are a couple, it won't (and yes,
someone has tried this).
Single women with a camera
Just below couples are single women, and again they can get to see whatever
they want, but tend to be a little more accommodating to single
men. But don't message them to death as soon as one joins the channel,
as women are severely outnumbered and get a lot of messages because
of this fact.
Single men with a camera
Give up now, you're doomed.
Couples, singles, triples, philharmonic orchestras etc without cameras
Did you see the bit about pond scum?
"Bi-Fems without a camera"
Face it, you're a man and we all know it.
"Is it really as bad as that?"
Actually, no it isn't, but if you've read this far you are probably quite
keen. As #cuseemesex is an IRC channel, how you behave there will effect
your place on the pecking order quite dramatically as people only get to
form an opinion of you from what you say, and those opinions stick like
an egg-stain on your chin.
You should aim to get to know people, as almost no-one will connect
to someone they don't know. Make friends, be yourself, be witty, urbane,
interested in the other person as a person and not just as an amount
of flesh to get your rocks off over. If that sounds too much like hard
work, then you need to get some social skills quickly, before you wank
yourself to death and die a lonely virgin.
"I'm not very bright, what constitutes bad behaviour?"
Well, in the interests of bandwidth, you can see examples
of moronic IRC behaviour here, showing what you really shouldn't be
doing if you want to have success.
And you can now also see what is considered
dumb on reflectors.
If that doesn't make things clearer then here's my final piece
of advice: Behave on IRC in a similar way you'd behave in a pub (or bar
if you are from the wrong side of the Atlantic); if you're socially inadequate
may I suggest you get a life, or someone else's as you'll be ripped to
shreds on the channel.
"I've read that, and I don't believe that anyone behaves as stupidly
as you say"
You don't do you? Well just to show you how moronic some people are you
can now read The HotGirl Chronicles
here. If after reading those you still don't believe some people aren't
morons, you're probably in them.
"So you're just saying that camless people are scum, correct?"
No, not at all. And I am not advocating that you ignore or abuse those
without a camera. What I am saying is that you should maintain a level
of politeness to everyone, including lurkers. Just because some men pretend
to be a woman without a cam it doesn't mean that all camless women
are really men, and if you treat them like shit you may just blow your
chances of a hot DC later on.
"But she says she's really hot and want to connect to me, but doesn't
have a cam"
It's entirely up to you. But think about it, do you really know who's on
the other end? It could be a bald, fat old man who gets his jollies looking
at men, or a 13 year old boy, or someone taking screen-caps and posting
them to Usenet, or the Feds, or your mother, or Bob Dole, or Bob Dole's
mother, etc . If that doesn't bother you then go right ahead and enjoy
"But she's got pictures of herself!"
Think about it for a while; there are dozens of Usenet newsgroups
and hundreds of web-pages (not to mention loads of IRC channels) dedicated
to nothing more than pictures. So what guarantee that your erstwhile CU
DCee hasn't just grabbed some of those and sent them to you? Don't bother
answering that because the answer is that you haven't got one. Oh, and
if the pics you get look a lots like pictures of Pamela Anderson that should
be setting off alarm bells.
And as one, final reminder, HotGirl
had a pic, do you think she was a real woman?
"I'm still confused"
If you want me to continue my hourly charges are available via email.
"That wasn't a very helpful answer!"
As I said at the top, this is only a guide, not a set of hard and fast
rules. By following most of these guidelines you will improve your chances
of actually seeing something, but I'm not offering any guarantees. A personality
is still required, preferably with a sense of humour included.
"So, you're the most successful CUer who ever lived then?"
"Is that really true?"
No, I was lying.
"So where do I go from here?"
Hopefully onward an upward, if you've read everything and understood it
you'll understand better what #cuseemesex is and isn't all about. It is
a place for adults to hang around to chat, meet and make friends and have
a good time (which may include having fun on Cu-SeeMe); what is most certainly
isn't is a meat market stocked with prime flesh for your viewing
pleasure on demand. Once you've figured out this one simple fact you'll
be well on your way to having fun.
"So why are you offering free clues like this?"
Purely for selfish reasons. I've got a very low tolerance of morons and
morons tend to make the channel a less pleasant place to be. I'll admit
that taking the piss out of them is fun, but simple weight of numbers dictates
that this approach won't work for long. I could say something worthy like
"If one HNG learns the error of his ways by reading these pages then my
work will be complete" but I won't as I think that's bollocks. The real
reason was to be able to make a lot of piss-poor jokes at the expense of
morons, and any educational content is purely accidental.
"By the way, you keep spelling 'behavior' wrong."
Go away you silly colonial.
All text is copyright © 1996-1997 Andrew Clarke,
and may not be used without permission