People come and visit you. Friends, relatives and they think they understand whats going on, because of who tells them what. If you tell them something and it's doesn't seem right, they question it. Sometimes they come with open arms. There's places that had recreation to do. I never had so many good visits when there was a place with a pool table. Coming to see me? Or coming to play pool? There's all kinds of interactions that they want me to be involved in. Group therapy, physical therapy and artsy crafty. If you start something and you find out you really don't like to do it, well they want you to finish it before going on to something else. Is this the way I am? No. I start something, I don't like it, I go do something else. They don't like it.It happened to me.
Make cookies, down in the kitchen, all kinds of people. You wonder what they are in here for? What are you in here for? They have to make cookies and they want you to put in half a cup of butter and you know what half a cup of butter is. You know that it is one stick. Ooh, dare you say that. No, they want you to measure it and I say to myself, what does it matter, a stick of butter is half a cup. So you make it the old fashioned way. You measure everything, sift flour that has already been pre-sifted and make these cookies. You make these cookies for a get together with family. They are going to have piano music and sing. So, you invite your family, you invite your husband. He's the only one that came to visit that night. Guess what? He really didn't want to go.It happened to me.
So you're in these places and you're to get better. They have these get togethers. Well, they're o.k. for you, you're the one in there. Many times, many situations. Is it all you? Is it a chemical imbalance? Misdiagnosis, diagnosis, another diagnosis. Different pills, different meds, finally this is what you've got. Do people treat you different? Some do. Beautiful institutions, they look beautiful, they're brand new. Slanted halls, 3 slanted halls. As if you're not confused enough, lets slant the halls. Little tiny windows and you can't even tell what you're looking at. That's helpful. You're confused, you're scared. They up your meds, they down your meds. They try to get a good control on what you have. They talk to you, they tell you that you don't know whats happening all the time. Family members think that they know best. They get together abd they talk. She's not doing good. Oh, she's not doing well. How do you think she's doing? Oh, not so well. Not so good. It happened to me.
You get some prized possessions, and you have a friend that gives you a lovely gift. You know that people come into your rooms. Oh, do they? No they don't. So you're hiding stuff and you're tucking something here and you're checking your drawers. Well, pretty soon you check your drawer and that prized gift isn't there. Well, it must be you, you must have put it somewhere, you must be confused. Pretty soon you get your sachael and you put all your things in there and you start carrying that around, which only makes you look...what? Like you're crazy? You ask for something, they say wait a minute. You have to wait a minute and you go ask for it again. Can I have a drink? YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT!!!! So you wait and then you ask again. They give you another answer and that provokes you. Finally , you get so provoked that you take your hand and you push it. You don't mean to cause a problem, but the tray goes flying. Uh, oh, now you've done it. You've done something so terrible that you need to be locked up. So that's what we're gonna do.It happened to me
How many of those people working at the institutions have even had a mental problem? A chemical imbalance? The place is only as good as the people there. So you make it. You try hard and you do well. You go for your appointments, you take your medicine regularly. Despite some nasty side effects, which nobody wants to hear about. So you don't tell them, you don't talk about it. You don't say when your stomach is feeling all grumbly and you just feel like crap. Or you can't stop going to the bathroom all the time and your intestines get sore. Your hands shake from time to time. Your eyes are so blurry and you can't see that well sometimes...and these aren't any big deal side effects. You don't tell them, most of the time. So you keep trying. You drink as much water as you can. You try to eat a balanced diet. You try to live your life the best you can, without stress. Trying to do what you feel is good for you and the others around you. But pretty soon you hear somebody saying, "How's she doing?" Not good. You know what? Sometimes it's those people who are not doing so good and then they turn treat you different. Speak to you different or don't speak, don't answer, or expect more and this puts a change in your life. And you're not doing so good. It happened to me.
Who's really not doing so good? Someone that tries? Someone that makes an effort? What is good anyway? Cooking a meal EXACTLY the way they want it? The day they want it? Cleaning up the house just so one person will be happpy about it? Well, I guess that person is doing alright, huh? They're doing good. I think a person that has a mental illness or chemical imbalance, whatever you want to call it is trying to do they're best, but if all they ever hear is "You're not doing so good", well then pretty soon maybe they won't be doing so good. Pretty soon maybe they'll have the same old problems. People keep whispering and saying she's not really doing so good. I said to someone in my life, if you really believed that, and thought that, than why wouldn't you treat me different? If you were living with a blind person, would you put things all over the floor and everytime he tripped, would you say, boy, you're really not doing good today? Well, I'm not blind and I can see. I feel that I'm doing good. But if you keep hearing someone tell you, you're not doing good, then maybe you might start to question. It happpened to me.
Written by Jessie Huber
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