There are no mistakes in life, only lessons....
"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."
"Work to become, not to acquire."
"Man who put head on Rail Road track to
listen for train likely
to end up with splitting headache."
"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!"
"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Man who drive like hell is bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get the point!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"
"Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!"
"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."
"War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left."
"Those who quote me are fools."
helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze
the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to
the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,
drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T
he sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly
responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said,
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his
map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC
(Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the
co-pilot asked the pilot how
the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their
position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct
but completely useless answer."
1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2.Enter any 11 digit prime number to continue.
3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8.This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another
9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10.This is a message from God Gates:
"Rebooting the world. Please
11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup
holder and press any
14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23.If you are an artist, you should
know that Bill Gates owns you
and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned
and all stolen software titles
have been deleted. The police are on the way.
How is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you.
What would you call 3.1416 vaginas?
What is '68'??
You do me and I owe you one.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the
What's the difference between pink and purple?
What do you call a man who weeps while he's
Why did the blonde have bruises all over
her belly button?
Because her boyfriend is blonde, too.
What's the definition of "gynecologist"?
The spreader of wives' tales.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other
"We do taste like chicken."
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When your hand falls asleep.
What do you get when you cross a donkey
with an onion?
A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
What's a 'YANKEE'??
Same as a quickie, but men can do it alone.
What goes "Marc! Marc!"
A dog with a harelip
When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson's
When the big hand touches the little hand.
What did Princess Di and Mother Theresa
do on New Year's Eve?
Went to a John Denver concert.
What's the difference between PeeWee Herman
and O.J. Simpson?
It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit was in an
Some dick cut her off!
What was the final outcome of the Kennedy/Bono
It was a tie: tree to tree
Did you hear about the blonde who robbed
She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Why do the prices keep going up at the U.S.P.S.?
High cost of ammo.
What's the definition of "rodeo sex" ?
Mount your wife from behind, grab her by the ears and tell her this is how your girlfriend
A man walks into his son's bedroom and says,
"Son, masturbating will cause you to go blind!!"
The son replies, "Dad, I'm over here."
What do you get when you cross an elephant
with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.
What is the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas??
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur driven Mercedes
What's the difference between a computer
and a woman?
A Computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
So there's this fella with a parrot. And
this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for
five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who
owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving
him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by
the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just
makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad
and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the
guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities
that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad
that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there
is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly
gets very quiet. At first the guy just
waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that
has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"