-Mailing cards to all your friends and relatives up North that
depict Santa and his sleigh pulled by a flock of flamingos.
-Doing all your baking early, then discovering on Christmas Day
that our rampant humidity has crept into all the cookies.
-Hoping it will be cold enough to light a fire in the fireplace.
-Hoping it will be warm enough to serve Christmas dinner on the
-Sweating your way through Christmas eve midnight Mass because
you decided to wear the new cable-knit sweater that was a gift
from your wife.
-Gazing at palm trees and hibiscus through panes of glass
sprayed with fake snow.
-Giving your daughter a new bike and actually being able to take
her outside for her first spin around the block.
-Getting a new wet suit and flippers as gifts and trying them
out in the pool that day.
-Having a house full of relatives, half of whom want the air
conditioning turned up and half of whom want it turned down.
-Having to explain to your 5-year-old that Santa's sleigh can
get here without there being snow on the ground.
-Having a Christmas morning round of golf and an after-dinner
basketball game become family traditions.
-Opening your patio door on Christmas morning to see a glorious
white heron take flight over the trees.
-Being able to take the kids to see Mickey, Shamu or E.T. during
school break without spending money on air fare and hotel
-Spending the whole day stringing colored lights on the front of
your house and then having to mow the lawn and trim the bushes,
-Finally, realizing the spirit and joy of Christmas dwell in
your heart and can be triggered by warm breezes and swaying
palms as well as sleigh bells and falling snow.
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.
Q. What do elves learn in school?
A. The Elf-abet!
Q. If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll.
Q. What kind of bird can write?
A. A PENguin.
Q. Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A. Because it's to far to walk.
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.
Q. How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A. On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q. What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their
in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A. Sandy Claus!
Q. How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A. Fleece Navidad!
Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.
Q. Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A. Because it has long-distance runners on each side
Q. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Cringle.
Q. What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A. We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q. What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A. Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q. What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A. Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q.If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A. A subordinate claus.
Q. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A. He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q. Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A. Because the angel had said,"No L!"
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Q. Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A. Because it " soots " him!
Q. What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A. Pour Santa flush on him.
Q. Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and
A. Its true....Comet cleans sinks!
Q. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A. Because every buck is dear to him.
Q. How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Q. Olive ?
A. Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother
of handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!"
Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A. It was wound up already.
Q. What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received
A. Forty feet of track - all straight!
Who ordered all this nauseating cheer?
I've had Christmas up to here!
I'm mad and I'm not gonna take it anymore
So here's the little plot I've got in store
Up on the roof with nails and saws
I'll build a trap for Santa Claus
And when he lands in that hokey slay
I'll make this Christmas crud go away
Ho Ho Ho You'd better know
I've got a way to make it so
Up on the housetop click, click, click
Throw a big bag over old Saint Nick
Down from the roof top out in back
Santa, Reindeer, sleigh and pack
Watch his Yuletide spirits droop
With juggles locked in the chicken coop
Ho Ho Ho You've gotta know
Fatso's tied up head to toe
This little plan will work because
I'm gonna kidnap Santa Claus
All of you kiddies are out of luck
This year's Christmas one dead duck
Let all the little brats scream and shout
I ain't never letting Fatso out
Ho Ho Ho won't let him go
Not for even tons of dough
I can't dream of a scene so nice
When I go and put Fuzzy Face on ice
Bye Bye to sleigh bells that gave me grief
Bye bye to caroling what a relief
Best of all that blasted cheer
Won't be annoying me again next year
Ho Ho Ho now you know
Dear old Santa has to go
Without Fatso it's understood
Christmas is history and gone for good!!!