Taurus (April 21- May 21)- It seems like the whole neighborhood knows your business this week and it can be blamed on those nosey squirrels atop the telephone wire.
Gemini (May 22- June 21)- Your sign of the twin squirrels are in a lunar eclipse this month. That means that you will be feeling quite...well I don't know. You received plentiful squirrel gifts for Christmas which means that more squirrels will flock to your property for a habitat.
Cancer (June 22- July 22)- You become overwhelmed by the holiday spirit and start a charity for those unfortunate squirrels that have had their tail bitten off and you also start the HRS (hair replacement squirrels) for the balding squirrels.
Leo (July 23- August 23)- It looks like new squirrel life is springing into your yard this month, and you are upset about squirrels not using birth control. You believe that every squirrel should know the dangers of sex, and squirrelly transmitted diseases, but you are too lazy to educate them so they will keep multiplying.
Virgo (August 24- September 22)- You are sick of squirrel violence happening to you. Why can't my squirrelscope ever be good, you ask? Well I am not making these up, your fate is written in the squirrel cosmos. Take a bath, and good squirrel vibes will be bestowed on you. But, they will probably wear off by your next squirrelscope.
Libra (September 23- October 23)- You are at a point in your life where you don't know what to do. Seek the guidance of the Squirrel Oracle, he will guide you towards the bushytailed path of nuts and happy days. You can reach this squirrel by calling 1-800-Gypsy-Skwerl or you can seek him out in the Enchanted Squirrel Forest, located on Saint Simons Island.
Scorpio (October 24- November 22)- You will meet new squirrels at a social event tonight. They will be albinos and you will be prejudiced against them, you proclaim that gray squirrels are the best, and then the black squirrels get mad at you and the squirrels have an all out race war.
Sagittarius (November 23- December 21)- You nominate a local squirrel for a political office. Which is pretty sensible, since a squirrel would probably run the country better than the morons in office now.
Capricorn (December 22- January 20)- You are in rapture over squirrels this week and start a new religion. Skwerlism. The God is the mighty pine nut, you will bow down to the pine nut for it is high in fiber and vitamin C.
Aquarius (January 21- February 18)- Jupiter and Saturn collide in an outer space squirrel war! What does this have to do with you? Nothing.
Pisces (February 19- March 20)- It looks like you violated the Squirrel Code, and you will be put on trail in front of the squirrel judiciary board. Tell these authoritarian squirrels to SCREW OFF!!!!!!!!
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