Some of the Funniest things Said on EWJ

I'm tryin' to redo the quotes section. First, I'll try to change the layout as fast as I can (to match Page 2), and later, I'll try and put colors in for nearly every character, to make your quote experience easier. But for now.....

Here's a collection of some of the EWJ jokes.

If you yourself have anything to contribute, write down your line(s), who said them, the name of the episode (or at least the episode plot), and Send 'em in!

Pick your ep:

the Wizard of Ooze

(Jim:) "Oh, so the Narrator's too good for our predictible story-stucture, eh?"

(Peter:) "Gettin' hisself a 'tude!"

(the Queen:) "Hel-lo-oo! I'm gonna destroy you here! Do something!!

(Jim, nudging Peter): "Quick, act frightened!"

(Peter, unconvincingly): "Uh.....I frighten! I frighten!"

"Peter........I have a feeling we're not in Terlocke any more....."

"Well DUH!!

-Jim and Peter....Ever the agreeable duo

(the Queen:) "Okay! Who dropped the house on my best friend??!"

(Jim and Peter simultaneously, while pointing to each other): "HE did it!!"

Jim: "Gasp of astonishment! That jockular fiberglass mascot SPOKE!!"

(Peter, sarcastically): "Oh yeah, like THAT'S the weirdest thing we've seen all day!

"Whas wrong with yer li'l friend?"

He had a bad experience with a vacuum cleaner.

"What happened?"

"He gained intelligence."

"Whoa. Good thing tha ne'er happened to me!"

- Walt Fat-Lad, and Jim, while Peter starts his 'I must not fear' chant

(Tin Reaper:) I am the Tin Reaper! My job is sending souls on their journey to the Mall of the Dead!

(Peter, Jim, and Walt-Fat Lad, simultaneously, with a note of awe in their voices): "The Mall of the Dead?"

(Tin Reaper:) The Mall of the Dead....A Better place where deceased souls enjoy free frozen yogurt, and there are always good movies playing at the multiplex.

(Show scene of the Mall of the Dead; with dead spirits walking out of Brain
Freeze Yogurt, with the movies Dead Zone, Dead
Man Walking, and  Dead takes a Holiday playing at the Multiplex of the Dead.)

(Tin Reaper:) "But, despite the humanitarian nature of my work, I am depressed."

(Jim:) "I see. Lemme guess. You wanna heart, right?"

(Tin Reaper:) No, I want summa that frozen yogurt!!"

"Let me guess.....You, (a), are depressed, and, (b), want something."

- Jim, to the Brave Hamster

"Oh evil LAAAAAAACK-EEEEEEEY! Go out there and kick some heroic butt!"

- The Queen, to Professor Flying Monkey-For-A-Head

"Go on now. Fly. Fly."

- The Queen

"We're DOOMED, DOOMED I tell ya! DOOMED, from the middle english meaning 'condemned to ruination of death'! DOO-MED!!

- I think you know who....

(Professor Flying Monkey-For-A-Head to the Tin Reaper): "I challenge you to a game of chess!"

Tin Reaper: "Alright alright....Union rules say I must take yer challenge.....Whaddya want, white or black?"

Scene:  the Professor and the Tin Reaper sitting 
across from each other playing chess on a 
black and white beach, ala any Calvin Klein commercial.

(Professor:) "What do the little horsey guys do?"

(Tin Reaper:) "Beats me."

(Prof:) "To heck with that! Let's just flip a coin!"

Did You Notice??

In this ep, rather than having normal chess pieces, the different types of pieces are represented by different EWJ Characters. Here's what I found:

(Peter to Jim, after Jim is refused from the Minty-Fresh City): "Well, aren't you going to tell the guard about the Sapphire Toe-Socks?"

(Jim:) No Peter, we're goin to do this the La-zy man's way.......

(Jim blasts the door down with his Plasma-Blaster)

"Hand over the socks or perish! It's your choice."

"Hm......Decisions, decisions.....I think I'd rather KICK YOUR BUTT!!

- The Queen and Jim, respectively

"Eat Dirt, Entomological Thingamabob!

- Jim, before blasting the Queen


(Note: This has always been one of my favorite EWJ Eps. So don't go looking at the quotes! Go see it yourself!!)

"Yum......Good dirt today! Real FRESH too!"

- Jim, while eating his breakfast (part of this Complete Breakfast, I'm sure!)

"Never in my years....Have I seen SUCH GLORY!!! Even my T-Shirt pays homage!"

- Jim, while viewing the World's Biggest Scab. (Is it just me, or is this Jim Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?)

"I don't think it's meant to be eaten, Jim. I think it's meant to anchor ships in a heavy storm."

- Peter to Jim, after Jim attempts to eat a Nutlog.

"Wow.....A Dream Sequence.....GROOVY!! Bring on the dancin' girls!"

- Jim, during his 'vision' of the Fur Bearin' Trout.

"The day has just begun and already your mind has snapped like a dry and brittle twig."

- Peter to Jim, after Jim tells of his vision

"I'll have the fish!"

- the Queen, as she arrives on scene with her sister.

"Howabout a snapshot?"


- Jim and the Fur Bearin' Trout

"Help me Earthworm Jim....You are my only hope.....Help me Earthworm Jim....You are my only hope..... Help me Earthworm Jim....You are my only hope......"

"Okay okay! I get the idea! GEEZE! Like I need MORE pressure!"

- Jim's reaction to What's Her name's Princess Leia impression

For Whom the Jingle Bell Tolls

The writers went all out for the EJ Holiday ep! Yet another one of my favorites.

(Peter) "Um, Jim.....Are you sure you know what *Secret* Hideout' means?"

(Jim, with a bit of a blank look on his face): "What's your point, fuzzbuddy?"

"Hey! You made me toss my cookies!" -Peter Puppy, after the Queen makes him (quite literally!) toss his cookies!

"Meanwhile, back on the planet of Insectica, the Queen takes part in an activity most horrid.......EXERCISE!"

- Ni'Dra to that. Narrator.

"And whadda you want fer Christmas?"

"A pony! A pony! A pony!"

- Jim and the Walter-Santa at the mall

"With this microchip, he will become...My ELDERLY OVERWEIGHT SLAVE!! - And who doesn't need onna those?"

- The Queen, talking about her plans for Santa

the Surgery Scene

(the Queen, suspiciously to the Arch-Bug) "Did you wash your hands?"

(the Arch-Bug) "Well, I spit on them and rubbed 'em on my pants...."

(The Queen, hastily, while grabbing the microchip) "Good enough!"

(the Queen) "Now we shall test him to see if the microchip worked." (She turns towards Santa) "Repeat after me. Bad is good."

(Santa) "Bad is good."

(the Queen) "Good is bad."

(Santa) "Good is bad."

(the Queen) "Val Kilmer was okay, but for MY money, nobody fills a pair of tights like Adam West!!"

(Santa) "Val Kilmer was okay, but for MY money, nobody fills a pair of tights like Adam West!!"

(the Queen, throwing her arms up in victory) "YES!! NOW HE TRULY IS EVIL!!


-the Queen, after wandering into the wrong bedroom

"....and TV specials featuring celebrities who should never sing in public!" - Jim, while trying to convince Santa not to end Christmas

A VERY *special* thanks to Tails for getting me the ENTIRE 'Meaning of Christmas Speech!' Thanks to him, you can hear the speech in all its glory!!

Assault and Battery!

The following scene (not word-for-word) is a favorite of Ian F.:

The Bathroom Scene public bathroom, Somewhere in Terlocke.

Jim, while crawling into a stall: "Good thing that there's a secret entrance to our hide-out in this stall!"

Jim enters; a flushing sound is heard

Peter: "Uh.....Isn't the secret entrance in the *other* stall?"

Jim: Ewww....

Opposites Attack!

"Consider the Butt of Virtue properly kick-ed." - Evil Jim, after defeated Jim. "Hey you....You.....Thing-takerguy!"

- Evil Jim, to Jim, after our hero takes Evil Jim's gun away.

"Hey.....You know what you need?! An EVIL Cow!!"

- Jim to Evil Jim before the (evil) Cow is dropped.

Day of the Fish

"If you DON'T stop winning, I'm gonna hafta STAPLE YOUR LIPS TO THE FLOOR!!"

- Princess What's Her Name, after Jim wins at poker again

(Narrator): "We continue our story on planet HECK, where EVIL The Cat worships at the altar of Vileness....."

(ETC): "I'm just watching TV....." (Narrator): "Same thing." (rimshot)

"I must warn you - I am a master of the MARITAL arts!!"

- Jim

"My favorite part about my job is meeting new people....Then, of course, pummeling them senseless."

- Jim

"How many times do I hafta tell you? I am NOT tobeused..... AS A PROJECTILE!!"

- Bob, after being thrown by #4

"Hello? Suit?"

- Jim

"I'm PROUD to live in a country, where ANYONE, reguardless of species, can BUY a college degree!

- Jim

"I am my suit back, for please."

- Jim, while speaking Whale