October 15th, 1997 -- First Entry
Today is one of those days... I thought it was going to go pretty well, until Mom asked me if I wanted to read the suicide note she'd written back in 1994 when I was gone to California for five weeks. I shrugged and shook my head, but she gave it to me anyway, and so I took it out on the front porch, my mug of soup for brunch in my other hand, and stupid me, I read it.
I shouldn't have. I was crying halfway through it and couldn't read for the tears, but I managed to get through. She was going to wait until I got back from my trip, then go off and commit suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning so I would get the insurance money and be able to pay off our bills, and then go back to live in California like she thought I wanted to do (and, at the time, I guess part of me still did).
I lost my appetite, so I went back inside and left the pages on the end table by the recliner, put my mug of soup in the fridge, and went into my room, avoiding her. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? I don't feel like I can approach her to talk about it, and I wouldn't know what to say anyway... she didn't approach me and ask how I felt about it or anything, so I get the impression that she doesn't care what I think (which is typical these days anyway), and I feel guilty for her feeling like she had to do that for me.
Why? It's not like we have much of a relationship anymore... I stopped trusting her a long, long time ago, and she has never figured out how much some of her comments and "cute" remarks hurt... I don't know if she does it intentionally, but doesn't she realize?
Anyway, I needed an outlet for this, and that's why I decided to create these pages. I have to give credit to Ophelia for the idea... but I think it's going to be a good one for me too. I'm going to tell my boyfriend where they are, and maybe one or two other friends, but other than that I'm going to leave it up to the link banners and search engines to bring people here if they're interested. I wonder if Ophelia would be willing to give me a link from her page if I asked... I'll have to think about it.
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