Lisana's Life

Wednesday, February 3, 1999

Today started off a little iffy... I was talking to Jev via netmeeting, and mom was out in the kitchen, apparently getting breakfast or something. She yelled in my general direction, "Boy, Lisana, you're getting to be as much of a slob as I am. Can't you even clean up your own messes?"

So, I'm sitting here talking to Jev, and wondering what the heck she's talking about. Okay, so I left a teaspoon and my tea ball in the spoon rest on the counter last night... I didn't know that was a high crime! I asked what I'd left out, but she didn't hear me, or ignored me, so I sat here, figuring my day was really starting off on the wrong foot.

For some reason, she came in my room after a while, and was telling me something, and when she turned to go, I asked her what 'mess' I'd left in the kitchen. Her response was, "Gee, can't I even joke with you anymore?"

Excuse me? Since when is calling someone a slob joking? I told her I didn't take it as a joke, and that it hurt. Did she apologize? Of course not. I'm just the slob who lives in the other room; nobody important. At least that's how she makes me feel when she does things like that. So... needless to say, she doesn't do much for my self-esteem, except to tear it down, when I manage to build it up. Yet, I keep looking to her for approval, and acceptance. I want to do things right, and have her say nice things to me.

I don't know if it was because of what she said this morning, or just the need for her approval in general, but I spent most of the day working on a cross stitch, and hoping that just once, she'd pass by and say something nice about it. I even went so far as to go out into the living room and stitch for a while, and watch a little TV with her.

She eventually came in my room this evening, after she called Julie to tell her about how she got some information on the daughter she had to give up for adoption long before I came along. She was telling me what Julie had to say, when she finally noticed what I was working on. She asked what it was going to be (wow, interested in something I'm doing?) and in the end, said that it was pretty. Finally, a kind word.

I know better than to expect her to change her ways in less than 24 hours. Sooner or later, she'll have another 'cute' little remark, that really hits home, and I'll lose faith in her yet again. It's an endless cycle, and I'm sure it won't end just because I move out, but at least I can get away from it, to some degree.

I know I can't depend on other people for validation (with the exception of Jev, that is; if I can't trust him, I might as well go find a deep, dark cave and spend the rest of my life there). I have to do the things that I want to do, and that make me happy. But it's not easy, when you're so used to putting other people ahead of yourself. I was taught in grade school that other people's feelings and wants and needs came first, and then if mine didn't conflict with them, then I could have or do what I wanted. Sure, a little of that is a good thing, but I've come to believe that there's such a thing as taking it too far, when it becomes detrimental.

I've just had it drilled into me so much, at such a young age, that it's a hard thing to overcome. Somewhere along the line, the me that knew what she wanted got buried under all of that, and there are times I'm amazed she didn't get suffocated completely. But she's in there; I know. Otherwise I wouldn't have come to the conclusion I did about going back to school. I just need to coax her out a little more, day by day.

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