Lisana's Life

Wednesday, February 24, 1999
After Midnight...

Things got pretty stressful last night, which is part of why I didn't get around to writing an entry. Jev's been worried about various things... getting his project for one of his classes done over break, another class project where his project partners are being totally useless, spending someone else's money (namely mine) on computer stuff and worrying that things will work out okay, and not being able to buy something new for his own computer. Add to that the fact that his body was starting to rebel -- he really started feeling bad this evening -- and it was just a rough night all around.

We talked this morning and things were better. We talked, and apologized and I thought everything was okay, but after he left for class, I just felt myself sliding back down into despair.

Mom had asked if I wanted to go to the grocery store with her; thinking she meant the supermarket, I said yes, hoping that maybe I'd find a new cross stitch magazine or something to spoil myself with. No such luck, she just wanted to go to the discount grocery and I think I picked out two things... a can of pineapple chunks, and a box of strawberry toaster strudels. Oh, make that three.. a box of cheese crackers, too.

She asked if I wanted to go to WallyWorld to get some frozen things, but I shook my head no. She stopped at the bank because she'd had to borrow a few dollars from me at the grocery, and I just sat, trying to keep myself together. After the disappointment of not even getting to the grocery store, I was losing what little grip I had on my emotions.

By time we made the parking lot for the dollar store, tears were running down my face. Mom stopped the car and asked me what was wrong, but I told her it was just stuff. She parked, and I completely lost it when she asked again what was wrong. I managed to convey that it was something to do with Sam... no we hadn't fought, but things were bothering him and he couldn't tell me what or why and everything was just so confusing to me and that was about as good an explanation as she got.

She ran into the dollar store, and left the car running. I fought back sobs in vain for a while, but they got the better of me so I fumbled for a tissue, and had to settle for a fast food napkin to wipe my nose and eyes. I could see the registers from where I sat in the parking lot, so I knew Mom would be coming out soon, and I tried to pull myself together.... it didn't work until the radio announcer asked, "Have you ever won anything?" and I remembered the one time I won a drawing... I won a belt sander.

I... who own no powertools whatsoever, and really has no desire for them... won a belt sander. The radio station out in California was doing a live broadcast from a brand new Home Depot or somesuch, and was giving away door prizes if you put a ticket in for the drawing. They'd given away mugs, T-shirts, music, and since it was a hardware store, they had that darned belt grinder.

The prize before that was a pair of tickets to a Kathy Mattea concert at The Strand, which I would have loved to see -- it was a Father's Day concert (which probably accounts for the belt grinder as a prize.... Dads love powertools, right?). Of course, an older guy won it. I guess he must have had other plans for Father's Day, because he came up to me and asked if I'd like the tickets better than the sander. I didn't have to think about that one very long... *chuckle*

Thinking about winning that stupid belt grinder made me laugh... The question is supposed to be for a call-in contest in the morning... if I remember, maybe I'll see if I can call in. Who knows, maybe I'll win another belt grinder!

Jev showed up online shortly after I got back, and with a little prodding, he was able to explain some of what was going on in his head, and I told him how I'd been feeling, and we more or less tried to soothe each other's worries.

Things are a lot better tonight, even though poor Jev isn't feeling very good right now. He ordered parts for my computer upgrade, and we spent a good deal of the afternoon looking for reviews of a USB flatbed scanner, which I might just treat us to. I was having second thoughts about doing it, but he said that would be a nice birthday present, and he wouldn't mind if I had custody of it until we move in together. He's such a sweetheart. Even though we have our moments, I think we are as good for each other as any two people can be.

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