Welcome to Pseudo Smiles - soon to be something else. I don't really know what, but I figure that with a new chapter in my life, I should open up a new chapter in my life on the web. I suppose that right now I am just feeling a little too philosophical, but I want to leave the skin of what I was when I started this and begin anew with what I think I am becoming. So here it goes, enjoy, hate it, it doens't matter. It's me....Anzique
Christmas again. This is the eighteenth for me. I’m not quite sure what that means – if it means anything at all. My last Christmas “at home,” as a family – if we really are a family these days. I think we are. There’s just so much anger in him, so much hurt. I think I’m feeding off of it. One of my walls is clean. There’s nothing left on it. Only a thousand little holes to remind me of what life I’ve already spent – what things I’ve already felt. “Mayonaise” fills up the background and I just sit here wondering whether this move is a new beginning, simply an end or both. There’s so much ache and regret and hurt in her. Everything within me bleeds for her, but at the same time I am tinged with the damage she’s done to me and to all of us – a damage that perhaps is necessary for the growth of everything. I am filled with so much love and hate all at once and try as I may I cannot overcome the love. I don’t know if that makes me forgiving or in denial, disloyal. I don’t really know that loyalty is an issue at this point however. Pain doesn’t require loyalty, does it? The wail of aching fills this room, the regrets of a childhood, the cries for a strength lost long ago, the hope for a better tomorrow. I don’t really know what to expect of this coming year. I only hope to close it with as little sorrow and as much grace as is possible in a situation where aching hearts and broken bonds seem to prevail.
Read the fine print.