CyberSex Theme

Thoughts On CyberSex CyberRelations


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My Personal Thoughts; Copyright Lark Ritchie 1995. 1996, 1997.

Today, My Thoughts are on the cybersex experience. It's very interesting. I admit that the fantasy can be consuming, but still, we must recognize it for what it is. I am interested in why people, especially women, move to cybersex, because I think that's important too. One is our real life, and the second is our bodies and minds talking and whatever personal histories that makes this important to us. Some of us seem to have a high desire to be stimulated in this manner. I would like to talk about some of those things that might be the root of that. I think of it as putting things in perspective.

Maybe you too are interested in what the driving force is for yourself. I suppose that sex is regarded as taboo, and the excitement comes from breaking that taboo, or becoming free of it. I feel that cyber-sexiness (the state of feeling sexy) is so good-feeling, that it becomes habit forming. That aside,it does feel good to be sexy. and it is fun to experiment.

Anyway.. those are my thoughts at this time. and I think that we should consider things like this. Give me your thoughts.

Below are other people's thoughts and experiences. But before that, a few more, from me.

Some more thoughts for today on Cyber-Relations.
I find that I am beginning to know Cyber-people more, and in a way that is good. On the other hand, in a general sense, these relationships are interesting from the personal dynamics perspective, in that as each sees more of the other's personality, we approach a threat that the developing relationship deteriorates because of value differences. I think that is because those in cyber-relationships are seeking to discover people of like mind.

What I see in the cyberworld is that a correspondent can 'project' a vision of the other person that 'fills in the gaps'. As a result, correspondents seem to be more closely identified with him/herself. When this happens, one builds a 'possible future' that may be unrealistic, or ideal. And when this future-ideal relationship ends, there is a deep sense of loss. It is this building of a possible future, and the subsequent dismantling of this that many people are experiencing in cyberland. It is the same experiences that have occured in many long distance relationships throughout history as maintained in hand written 'love letters' up until the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.

These are the issues that I am discovering with several people, and is what I see the attraction and complexities of the cyberworld community.

I know I experience these things, and others have too, and I feel that the more we understand about these mechanisms, the more we will learn about communicating in this medium.

What people say and think in this medium may be a result of anonymity (because they say them to ones they will never meet face to face.) This also creates a feeling of intimacy that many may have not experienced before, except in a very deep relationship of trust, (and usually in a love relationship.) It is this connection that I think leads to the attachments between cyber-friends that sometimes leads to cyber-love or cyber-dependency.

These are the issues that I want to explore, and I find that I need people like you to discuss these things with, from a sharing perspective.

Like you, this is only a piece of my whole life, but it seems to cut into a broad cross-section of my interests, and something I want to explore further.

Here are other thoughts from people I have met on the Internet. (I have not included names for obvious reasons, however, each set of statements is from a real person)

A Woman
I thought I would review your homepages (quite a handful I must say!).

I noticed the pyschology references and decided to take a look. I am studying pyschology and forensic science at the present time so it caught my eye. I had to comment on your Cybersex page. It is quite sad to think that people cannot freely express their sexual needs and wants to their partner or lovers. Most people are afraid of rejection.

Many people freely express themselves (or should I say their Superego)on chat lines. Your lover is only a fantasy that can type! Now I'm sure some people are pretty provacative and sensuous in their writing methods but the reality is that it is only a game. Not many people express themselves as boring individuals on the Internet. Everyone is exciting and wild. Everyone wants to be desired, sexy, sensuous; via the internet people can do all of that without taking a personal risk.

Nothing matters people say anything! Rejection is what makes most people very cautious about their sexuality. I think everyone should explore sex for what it is! (Sometimes a great time and sometimes not)! Everyone should share their feelings and fantasies with their partners and give them the same courtesy. People need to talk to each other. Nobody wants to hurt the people they love but the reality is that manogamy is becoming a thing of the past becuase people don't communicate well with each other. Through the Internet people can escape and become the person they wish they were!

Let's not forget touch; one of our most pleasurable senses. The keyboard is not quite the same (too say the least). One thing that could be exciting is to actually meet your Cyberpartner, you can use your mind and literary skills as mental forplay to increase the anticipation of the potential reunion. Studies have shown that women especially enjoy erotic literature! This could be rewarding. Anyway I must get back to work.

A Woman
...i really enjoy this side (chatting) of it. i mean, i get talking to people to find out what they're like. yeah, i get sometimes the really sleazy chat up lines. but when you get talking to them, you realize that the person itself is not sleazy at all. it's sometimes a really intelligent person that you can have good conversations with. that turns me on mentally. and that's much more than any f-chat-up-line would. although some people have real style. i got some mails that were really horny without being cheap at all. the guy just had fantazy and style (the writing)...

A Woman
...men want their wives to be more sexual but only with them...we are not supposed to come into marriage with any experience of sex...so men want a women who is a sexual dynamo and tramp in bed with them but they want her to enter that state of being with no back ground experience. That's why they feel it would offend them since we are all virginal when we get married.

I've been married long enough now that I know my husband is not going to wake up in the morning and wonder where I learned all the slutty things I did with him the night before...so I feel safe really letting go in bed. He is not going to think any less of me (probably will think of me all day). And I guess some women would be offended by some sexual things...but I for the life of me don't know why!

If we love men (and I do) we should want to make them happy and in turn feel good ourselves. I think that women should let themselves go and try to think like a man when it comes to sex. We have too many hangups about it. And yes I think that society represses women's sexuality because of the power of sex. I mean lets face it...if I wanted to have sex I could have a derth of men willing to offer it to me...but men on the other hand would have to work a bit harder to find a willing partner on a moments notice. It reminds me of that joke when you have one of these (pussy) you can have one of those (dick) any time you want it! My I do go on...I wish we could be online together sometime you seem like a very interesting man to talk to. Although I recently saw a comedian say that men will say anything, be sensitve, or what ever it takes to get into a ladies pants...the joke made me laugh because it does have a ring of truth to it.

A Woman
well, i found myself spending too much time on here having cybersex. i was also chatting at other times as well. anyway, i was allowing the net to control my life. i wasn't taking care of business, as they say, and that's not good, so i started limiting my time on here, and controlling myself instead of it controlling me. now i feel so much better about myself. please keep me updated with what others tell you about their experiences, ok? i would really like to know. ;)

A Woman
cybersex is interesting free of guilt but as this is my first time even trying that out I am suddenly quite uncomfortable about what I have done.

A Woman
A little about myself: I am a 30 yr. female, (occupation deleted) married 6 years. My husband, a psyc major, is (occupation deleted). Regarding your thoughts on Cybersex: I think that everyone enjoys feeling sexy and would desire to be sexually stimulated via cyber or other types of pornography. I think that social taboos do play a major part in supressing this in many of us. I feel that engaging in fantasies with one's mate only makes that relationship stronger. I do believe, however, that one can easily become totally immersed in the fantacy world of cybersex. I find that many of my cyber-friends engage in cybersex because their spouses/girlfriends are unwilling to engage in any type of sexual stimulation out of the "social norm" I also think that cybersex is so popular because it can be totally anonomous and can be terminated by either party at any time. In addition, it can be better than a sexual experience because the imagination has to play a larger part.

A Woman
I think that personally I turn to cyber sex because I have no inhibitions and I seem to have a hard time finding the same in a man.. But here on the net men have a tendency to open up....

A Woman

I guess I am too much of a realist, but I don't understand the attraction of making love to your keyboard and your monitor!

I understand a meeting of the minds, and when I have had that type of relationship on line, I have made certain that a face-to-face meeting occurred very quickly to dispell all the fantasy and myths that are so aptly described on your page.

It's easy (when you are on line) to forget that you are dealing with REAL PEOPLE who have feelings, hopes, desires and aspirations. In this type of impersonal/personal atmosphere it's easy to fantasize and create a monster that will come back to haunt you.

So - my personal views on cyber-sex are the same as my views on phone sex - it's not real, it's not beneficial to either party (other than making you feel good for the moment perhaps) and it's demeaning to all concerned. No I am not anal retentive, or prudish, or frustrated, or any of the labels you may think of attaching to my views, I am simply a realist!

Sure there are relationships that have developed on line and have even been successful to the point of marriage (I have a personal friend who married her cyber-lover) - but it really takes two very special people to handle that type of relationship and also a healthy sprinkling of luck in the process.

Well I'll stop writing this book now - just thought I'd let you know!

A Woman
my question to an honest lady.. Re: chatting... is to make myself admit things to myself. what do you mean by that... ?
Her response...
All I meant was that when I have chatted to someone about sex etc., it has made me realise that my sex life is not as good as it should be. It has made me admit to myself that there are a lot of things I would like to explore and find out, and that I am not really satisfied as it now stands.. There are guys out there that have no problems discussing the topic! A lot of the guys I have been with, including my current one, have problems when it comes to discussing sex openly. I think it is essential, and I don't think I will be happy with someone before I can. That is what I meant. Any clearer?


A Man (and Husband)
Lark:

I wanted to share my thoughts with you. I only saw womans comments in your page.

The effect on a husband when discovering his wife has been having cybersex. Complete Hell!

My wife and I have been with each other for 20 years. We have had a decent relationship, both mentally and sexually. Or at least I thought.

Then I discoverd a letter and rendevous plan my wife had with her cybercreep. Since then I have a constant obsession of dealing with the pain. What was said, or actually done ?

When I brought the evidence to my wife, the lies began to build. Woman may forget that computers don't forget, and neither does the phone company. Thats where our savings went.

I began to look around and found months of activity. Phone bills in excess of $1,400 in a short time. You see, for those really addicted woman, the emails don't seem to be enough.

I ask, why? Why couldn't the things that were talked about be with me? We have Loved each other for many years and now the most exciting things my wife could have shared, are with another man. She has a hard time talking about it, so we haven't gotten very far here. She says she is afraid.

We are not any further in knowing what we need from each other, but instead I have a deep dis-trust in her and a paranoia about what may have actually taken place. Its hard to leave the house, or even be alone without thinking about this.

So, If you have a husband that really loves you, and you are considering getting into cybersex, PLEASE first try it with your mate. I'm sure, that they will respond positively towards your needs. And the effects on your marriage when he finds out can be disasterous. SPEAK UP IF YOU NEED TO!

And if you're a man with a wonderful wife, like mine, STOP, TAKE THE TIME TO BE WITH HER. SHE'S WORTH IT!

Stephen


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