#1
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft's rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie. "
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666, the sign of the beast.
A husband had a doctor's appointment and asked his wife to accompany him.
After the doctor thoroughly examined the husband, he spoke to the wife. The doctor said, "Your husband has a life-threatening illness that needs special treament and if he doesn't get it, he could die".
The wife replied, "What is it? What can I can do to help my husband recover?"
The doctor said:
1. Every day you must make him a good breakfast and send him off to work in a pleasant frame of mind;
2. Fix him a healthy lunch, when he comes home at noon and give him lots of peace and quiet. Then send him back to work in a happy frame of mind;
3. When he comes home at night, have a wonderful meal already prepared with all of his favorite foods. Don't ever ask him to help with household chores and don't complain or upset him in any way;
4. Make sure that he is sexually satisfied several times a week, especially with as much oral sex as he wants. In time, your husband will be fully recovered if you follow each of these steps.
When the husband and wife were driving home, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "What did the doctor say to you about my check-up?"
"You're gonna die", she replied.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
A VERY intoxicated guy stumbles into a bar. He strides up to the
bartender and says, "Bartender! I want to buy a round of drinks for EVERYONE in this place... start pouring! And be SURE to pour one for yourself!"
So, the bartender, very happy to see such generosity, pours everyone in
the bar a drink, including one for himself. He gulps it down and says,
"Okay, buddy, that'll be forty-five bucks."
The drunk looks out him, snickers, shrugs his shoulders and says, "I
don't have any money! *hee-hee*"
"WHAT!!!!" The bartender grabs the guy's collar, slaps him around pretty fiercely, and literally tosses him out through the door.
The next night, the same deadbeat comes in the door, drunk as ever, and
announces, "I am going to buy a drink for EVERYONE in this bar! Barkeep, start pouring! And be sure to pour one for yourself!"
The bartender pauses, but then thinks, "This guy CAN'T be stupid enough
to try to get away with this twice in a row."
So, once again, he pours everyone a drink on the drunken guy's tab, and he makes sure that he has poured himself a drink. The bartender gulps his drink down and says, "Okay, buddy, that's gonna be forty-eight dollars."
The drunk looks up, giggling, and says, "I don't have any money!"
The bartender is steamed! He yanks the drunk off his feet, beats on him awhile, drags him outside, and pitches him into the dumpster.
The third night, the SAME DRUNK stumbles into the bar. "Oh, mercy... I
don't BELIEVE this guy...," thinks the bartender. "Bartender!" pipes up the
drunk, "I want to buy every customer in this place a drink! Start pouring!"
"Oh," teases the bartender, "so you're not gonna buy ME a drink
tonight?"
"No," answers the drunk. "You get violent when you drink!"
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up.
She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again.
Skirt's still too tight.
She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more.
She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.
Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus.
She spins around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!"
The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
Judi walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound!
Judi said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud....."
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh, damn! It's so late; my wife is going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands.
Then goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams, "You &%@&%!* liar! You went bowling again!!!"
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.
After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"
"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.
"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.
"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"
He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"