Many moons have
passed since I spoke about Death. It hasn't escaped my mind
completely because I have been pondering over it. I have
thought about what about Death really scares me and in thinking
of it, I have gone through many emotions. Fear, anxiety,
sadness. All of these emotions have ran through my head
during the day, but especially at night, when it is just
myself and silence. I have talked to God about death, but
I still fear it.
Death is the only
thing a person has to do by themselves. No matter where
a person is, they will have the luxury of having another
soul with them. But Death is the one trip that must be bought
with a single ticket. It's something that even the largest
men fear because there is no one to be there. No comfort,
no family, no people. Of course if one believes in an afterlife,
things are a little brighter. But for some reason unknown
to me, I still fear the darkness that will take over when
the light of this world fades away.
Death is like jumping
into a swimming pool.
When I make that
final leap, I wonder if I will be pushed in or simply jump
myself. Each has their pros and cons. If one is pushed in,
they won't have to think about their impending doom. It
just happens in a flash. Someone sneaks up behind you while
you are walking around the deck and all of a sudden, splash!
You are in. But the down side to that is you never get to
say goodbye to family. Even smaller things like being able
to see the blue of the sky for the last time. It is almost,
whatever you have up to that point as far as memories go,
is what you take with you. Now if one make the conscious
decision to step onto the diving board, then a new set of
pros and cons are presented. When one is standing on the
diving board, they have the freedom to look about. See birds,
stars, and sky. They can smell food or feel the wind. More
importantly, one can say goodbye to family members and friends.
But getting the courage to actually jump is the hardest
part. Not knowing what will lie on the other side.
When I would lay
in my bed at night and think about death, I never questioned
the existence of an afterlife. In fact, I think if there
were no afterlife, I would be a lot more comfortable with
death. Let me explain. When I die, I will spend eternity
in heaven (hopefully). Everyone else looks at this as the
ultimate pay off for leading a good life, but I am a little
more apprehensive. The thought of no type of conflicts or
problems feels great at first, but then doesn't life get
board without it? I mean, think about it. What happens when
the rich and famous receive everything they could possibly
want? They start doing things to entertain themselves. Most
of the time, it is nothing good. Some do things that endanger
their lives just for the thrill. Why would heaven be any
different. At first, eternity without conflict should be
nice, but what if someone gets tired of that perfect life?
They cannot simply move to a different location because
I imagine that heaven will be the same no matter where one
goes in it. The same perfect life. Death won't even serve
as an escape because eternity never ends. We live life to
its fullest (at least some of the time) because we know
that we have a limited occupation here. But imagine if we
had to be here for 300 years. 1,000 years. 28,000 years.
Would the sky be as beautiful after you have seen it over
and over and over again? Would you get the same excitement
from your favorite roller coaster once you know ever nut
and bolt put into it, so much that you could point to one
with your eyes closed from 200ft? Things have to get boring
if there is no progression, if there is nothing new to see.
I don't know about
you, but I like conflict at times. Call me a normal human,
but we have been programmed to enjoy conflict. Who wants
to watch a movie that has everyone happy? Who wants to listen
to positive music every day of their lives? And be completely
honest with yourself, who wants to like every single person
you see? No one can answer yes to all of these questions
and yet, we all dream of this perfect life. I am afraid
that I will get bored with Eternity and I won't have an
escape from it.
There are just something's
that I like about being here on Earth. Just simple pleasures
like staying up late while watching a movie and having class
the next morning and having to pay for what I did by getting
up early. I like being sneaky to get around doing things.
I like the nasty language I use and the way I talk to my
friends. So when this all ends and I am given the perfect
life, what will I enjoy?
One night my fear
became very bad. I remember laying down in my dorm with
my roommates asleep all around me. I was praying to God.
Well, not really praying. It was more like speaking or having
a conversation with God. I told him of my fear and how I
wished nothing more for it to go away. I asked Him, like
I had done so many times before, to give me the strength
to stop fearing the inevitable. But when my prayer was finished,
I was still afraid. I couldn't go to sleep because my mind
raced. I wondered why I couldn't be like everyone else and
see heaven as this big pay off. I opened my line of communication
to God once again. This time, I changed my prayer. Instead
of asking him for strength, I asked him to do the work for
me. This was something too big for me to handle alone. I
just kept repeating, "Please, take it away." And
all of a sudden, I felt different. I felt like something
was draining from me and I could finally close my eyes.
I still whispered my prayer to God, like a person counting
backwards after taking anesthesia. I soon fell asleep and
I was finally okay.
I still get nervous
when the subject of Death arises, but the fear is no longer
there. Whether it was a simple trick of the mind that night,
or if it were God himself remains a mystery. But I know
one thing, I am a little more comfortable facing the water
in the pool than I was.