by Abdul Rasoolul-laat Ahmadi ad-Deedati al-Bukhari
The great prophet of 20th century Islam, Ahmed Deedat was the first to put forht the "Bible Combat Kit" (Ahmedu Akbar!), where Muslims were encouraged to hi-light verses from the Holy Babble that were vulgar, absurd, et cetera. So now, in honor of brother Deedat, we would like to offer the "Hadith Combat Kit," a celebration of everything shifty, shoddy, and just plain rotten about the Islamic traditions. In this installment of "Hadith Combat Kit," we will discuss vulgar ahadith; that is, some of the more fun mentionings of flatulence, sexual immorality, and other goodies. Let the games begin.
Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 11, Number 582:
Allah's Apostle said, "When the Adhan is pronounced Satan takes to his heels and passes wind with noise during his flight in order not to hear the Adhan. When the Adhan is completed he comes back and again takes to his heels when the Iqama is pronounced and after its completion he returns again till he whispers into the heart of the person (to divert his attention from his prayer) and makes him remember things which he does not recall to his mind before the prayer and that causes him to forget how much he has prayed."
Sahih Bukhari Volume 5, Book 58, Number 236:
Khadija died three years before the Prophet departed to Medina. He stayed there for two years or so and then he married 'Aisha when she was a girl of six years of age, and he consumed that marriage when she was nine years old.
Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 6, Number 298:
The Prophet and I used to take a bath from a single pot while we were Junub. During the menses, he used to order me to put on an Izar (dress worn below the waist) and used to fondle me. While in Itikaf, he used to bring his head near me and I would wash it while I used to be in my periods (menses).
Sahih Bukhari Volume 1, Book 4, Number 231:
I asked 'Aisha about the clothes soiled with semen. She replied, "I used to wash it off the clothes of Allah's Apostle and he would go for the prayer while water spots were still visible. "
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 137:
We got female captives in the war booty and we used to do coitus interruptus with them. So we asked Allah's Apostle about it and he said, "Do you really do that?" repeating the question thrice, "There is no soul that is destined to exist but will come into existence, till the Day of Resurrection."
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 135:
We used to practice coitus interrupt us during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle.
We used to practice coitus interruptus while the Quran was being revealed. Jabir added: We used to practice coitus interrupt us during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle while the Quran was being Revealed.
Malik's Muwatta Book 29, Number 29.32.96:
Sunan Abu Dawud Book 11, Number 2166:
A man said: Apostle of Allah, I have a slave-girl and I withdraw the penis from her (while having intercourse), and I dislike that she becomes pregnant. I intend (by intercourse) what the men intend by it. The Jews say that withdrawing the penis (azl) is burying the living girls on a small scale. He (the Prophet) said: The Jews told a lie. If Allah intends to create it, you cannot turn it away.
Sahih Muslim Book 008, Number 3365:
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 17:
When I got married, Allah's Apostle said to me, "What type of lady have you married?" I replied, "I have married a matron' He said, "Why, don't you have a liking for the virgins and for fondling them?"[...]
I was accompanying the Prophet on a journey and was riding a slow camel that was lagging behind the others. [...] When we approached Medina, I started going (towards my house). The Prophet said, "Where are you going?" I said, "I have married a widow." He said, "Why have you not married a virgin to fondle with each other?"[...]