August 5, 1999
First of all Let me wish each one of U out there a
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK
From This Week onwards I'll be posting Jokes as well as some other interesting stuff such as Poems, Notes, Photographs etc.
SINCE IT IS FRIENDSHIP WEEK LETS START WITH A JOKE ON FRIENDSHIP.
Two close friends were trekking through the mountains and hills. Suddenly a big, ferocious bear chased them. The bear was gaining on them. The man running second place abruptly stopped and sat down on a log. The leader stopped and asked: "What is the matter?" The other man replied: "Nothing, I'm just changing to my running shoes." The leader said: "You're crazy, there is no way you're going to out run that bear!" The other man stood up and shouted: "I don't have to out run him, I just have to outrun you!"
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints. "After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them around your mother after I'm gone."
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff. "Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do? The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
This one is O.K. sort of a Joke.
The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?" "I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away. Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye." "Miss Fenster," said the professor, "Your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions. One: You didn't study last night's assignment. Two: You have a dirty mind Three: Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."
Check this out
Politically Correct Terms About Females
She does not: Get PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A Killer Body
She is: GEOMETRICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: A Bad Cook
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A Bad Driver
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not: Easy
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: Cut You Off
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She will never: Gain Weight
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She will never: Sag
She will become: GRAVITATIONALLY CHALLENGED
She does not have: Big Hair
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
AND ENDING THIS WEEKS ISSUE ON FRIENDSHIP
Simple Friend vs. Real Friend
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
For Previous Jokes
Keep Smiling ... .... B'cos it improves the face value.
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