|RULES FOR BEING HUMAN|
|You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.|
|You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called LIFE. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.|
|There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".|
|4.||A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.|
|Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain it's lessons. If you are alive, ther are lessons to be learned.|
|"There" is no better than "here". When your "there" has become "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again, look better than "here".|
|7.||Others are merely mirrors of you. You can not love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.|
|8.||What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources that you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.|
|9.||Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is to look, listen, and trust.|
|You will forget all this.|
|Comes The Dawn|
|by Virginia Shopstall|
|After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...
|Observations on Life:|
|If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through banking machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the alphabet in that order - is it because of that song?
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Me, getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
My Reality Check bounced.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter ..
I don't suffer from stress. I'm merely a carrier.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never divulge everything you know.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain might explode.
Tell me what you need, and I'll explain how you can get along without it.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Someday we'll look back on all this and while we're looking, we'll plow into a parked car.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. - Sheckly Greene
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. - Ronnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" - Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. - Shelley Berman
t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel
I?m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers
Never moon a werewolf. - Mike Binder
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bbus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
"If only all the hands that reach could touch......" - Mary A. Loberg
|Famous Last Words|
|"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
|"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
|"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--Chief editor of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
|"But what is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
|"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. ""
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
|"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
|"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
|"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
|"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
|"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
|"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
|"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. ""
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
|"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
|"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.|
|The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M "Post-It" Notepads.
|"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
|"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
|"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.
|"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
|"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
|"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
|"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
|"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Tolouse, 1872
|"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
|"A closed mouth gathers no foot"|
|"Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines"|
|"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"|
|"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking"|
|"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it"|
|"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism"|
|"He who hesitates is probably right"|
|"Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with"|
|"No one is listening until you make a mistake"|
|"Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view"|
|"The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it"|
|"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread"|
|"The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach"|
|"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research"|
|"To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles"|
|"Two wrongs are only the beginning"|
|"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive"|
|"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard"|
|"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life"|
|"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up"|
|"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"|
|"If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before"|
|"Change is inevitable....except from vending machines"|
|"Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things"|
|"A fool and his money are soon partying"|
|"Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation"|
|"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow"|
|"Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!"|
|"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments"|
|"How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...."|
|"Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!"|
|"Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route"|
|"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize"|
|"Everybody repeat after me...'We are all individuals.'"|
|"Death to all fanatics!"|
|"Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo"|
|"Chastity is curable, if detected early"|
|"Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener"|
|"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks"|
|"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now"|
|"Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back"|
|"Beware of geeks bearing gifs"|
|"Half the people you know are below average"|
|"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name"|
|"42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot"|
|"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good"|
|"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you"|
|BULLETIN BOO BOOS:|
|Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.|
|The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.|
|The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.|
|Evening massage - 6 p.m.|
|The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.|
|The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.|
|Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.|
|Ushers will eat latecomers.|
|The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.|
|For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.|
|The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.|
|The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."|
|During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit ..|
|Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."|
|Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.|
|Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"|
|The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.|
|Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.|
|The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.|
|The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.|
|22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.|
|A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.|
|Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.|
|Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"|
|On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.|
|Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.|
|Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.|
|The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.|
|Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.|
|8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.|
|The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.|
|Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.|
|Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.|
|Cast away all negative thoughts and fears. Fear inhibits progress. You are endowed with the same potentialities as the greatest of men because you are a child of God. Your trials did not come to punish you, but to awaken you to the realization that you are a part of the all-fulfilling love of God. You can achieve anything.|
|Do not fear death. It is a rest from the travails of life - a promotion to a greater freedom. Do not be bound by this earth. Do not forget that this life if just a play. This is just a place where for a time, you are to act your part. Be satisfied with your part. Nobody can live your part as you can. Do not give undue importance to life. Use your will. Ask God to guide you. You will not have to worry anymore. Whatever part is given to you, do your best. That is all that matters.|
|Do balance material and spiritual duties in your life; that will bring you supreme happiness. Be ambitious with God, which will help you to play your part well. Become a perfect actor seeking just to do God's bidding. In perfecting your portrayal in God's drama do you earn the right to retire to your Divine Home. Your fulfillment lies not in obtaining the objects of your desires, but in the unfoldment of your soul qualities in making the effort to succeed in worthwhile endeavors. Nothing prevents you from feeling that great power behind your life. It is your bad habits that tell you otherwise.|
|Drop bad habits and leave them behind as you move forward. Every day should be a transition from old habits to better ones. Make a solemn vow to keep only those habits that are for your highest good. You do this by not thinking about them, do not acknowledge them. Your conscious mind has been conditioned to think that it is self-hypnotized by habits. When the thought comes to you that you are used to smoking or overeating, you fell immediately you have to smoke or to eat. When you refuse to acknowledge that habit, that is the end of it. Stay away from those things that stimulate bad habits.|
|Make up your mind to succeed. The mind is all-powerful. Your cup of life within and without is filled with the Divine Presence, but because of the lack of attention you do not perceive God's immanence . When you are in tune, as one tunes in a radio, then you receive Spirit.|
|Infinity is our Home. We are just sojourning awhile in the caravanserai of the body. Those who are drunk with delusion have forgotten how to follow the trail that leads to God. Meditate more and believe in that strong consciousness that God is always with you regardless of what happens. Then you will see that the veil of delusion will be taken away and you will be one with That which is God.|
|I Love Me Enough To|
|By James A McGregor|
|I love me enough to go beyond, to that place where all concepts of God are mine whenever and if ever I am ready.|
|Remember that the most loving thing can do for others is to become the beautiful person that I am meant to be.|
|Be open to the idea that deep down I may not be as perfect as I want you to see me.|
|Remember that the actions of the past were the best I could do at the time.|
|Accept that I can now completely change my attitude toward life and living.|
|Give up my need to control people, places and things that are beyond my control.|
|Recognize that obesesssions are really obessions -even the obession to grow and recover.|
|Be Willing to set aside my ego and ask for help when I am ready.|
|Understand that the past is an important part of me, but it is over.|
|Have the courage to go back and face the problems of the past when I am ready.|
|Allow myself to grieve but recognize that it can become an unhealthy obession.|
|Surround myself with those who are good for me and detatch from those who are not.|
|Be willing to make new friendships and allow the old ones to dissolve if they are no longer comfortable.|
|Define my boundaries of acceptable behavior based upon the present and not the past.|
|Acknowledge my needs to those whom I love.|
|Let go of the fear of loss of control when peace and serenity first manifest themselves.|
|Remember that things will be different - not better or worse - just different.|
|Accept what is in front of me without wanting it to be different.|
|Recognize the fact that my highest good will arrive if I will just stay out of the way.|
|Understand that the loneliness I feel is a unique opportunity for growth.|
|Fully enjoy the new wonderful feelings without the fear that they won't last.|
|Remember that sponteneity is one of the gifts of spiritual growth.|
|Become aware of times when wonderful things happen with no help from me.|
|Rejoice in my new awareness of the beauty that has been there all along.|
|Allow me to take magnificent care of myself, my spirit. and those things that are mine.|
|I LOVE ME ENOUGH TO|
|Go back and see the rest!|