How did I get here?


WOMAN SEEN CHANGING STRINGS IN PUBLIC!!
    Yesterday on the square in Mountain View, Arkansas,
    an unknown female fiddler was seen changing her strings in broad daylight.
    When asked about this unseemly act, the woman caustically replied,
    "If you don't like it, look the other way,
    I do it for the thrill!"


    THREAT RECEIVED FROM OUTER SPACE!
    ~ FIDDLE GODDESSES PROMISE PROTECTION ~

    Recently our source at NASA revealed that a mysterious message
    had been detected coming from the far reaches of space. After being decoded
    it was found that the message could warn of a threat to Earth.
    In a telephone interview, our source gave the following comments
    on this frightening news:

    "We think this one is for real,
    the sender seems to call himself, as near as we can translate,
    "El Banjo Grande". He's threatening to invade the planet
    with his horde of evil minions, causing chaos and consternation.
    He admits their gruesome plan to alter the soundwaves
    in the atmosphere, making everything sound like a banjo.
    I can't believe anyone would do something so merciless!
    It will certainly drive the inhabitants of Earth to insanity, or worse."

OOGA BOOGA!
Could this be the creature?


    NASA reports that a second communication
    has been received!

    "Greetings Earthling!
    Your days are numbered, your nights are alphabetized, your weekends
    are folded your holidays are stamped and mutilated, your envelopes,
    like your fates, are sealed. Resistance is futile. So you
    have discovered our secret so early... what can you do about it?
    NOTHING! Our fearless leader, EARL (may his strings never rust)
    has blessed your puny planet by targeting it for subjugation,
    conquest and musical reorientation. Soon you will forget your "fiddles"
    and "violins" and sway to the true sounds of the sacred
    instrument. We the followers of the "true path of the four and a half"
    will be merciful, if you throw down your fiddles and
    embrace the banjo NOW! There are no "MEN IN BLACK"
    to save you. WE ARE COMING... Prepare to become BANJO PLAYERS!!!!

    El Banjo Grande
    Commander of the Intergalactic Armada
    and Music Reorientation Unit"


    When the Fiddle Goddesses were informed of this
    terrible threat, one of them sent this response:


    "Should we be afraid? NOT!!!! Ol' Banjo Grande is a
    Big Ol' Weinie Baby!!!!! I blow Rosin in his general direction....... Poowey!!!!
    Does he not know that we've infiltrated his Inaudible Armada
    with fiddle players disguised as Steve Martin, Bela Fleck,
    and John Hartford? Does he not know that the population
    of fiddles on the planet Earth (electric fiddles included) totally outnumber the
    banjo population on any other planet in the entire solar system?
    Men in Black????? We don't need no stinkin' Men in Black!!!!!!!
    We are glorious, ethereal goddesses in white, with blazing fire
    and raging oceans at our disposal! To us, the stars are
    mere jewelry. As their attack vessels near the planet Earth,
    we shall calmly and benevolently rip their ships apart,
    shaking the broken hulls over the seas, feeding those little
    weinie baby banjo player E.T.'s to the sharks. As for
    the El Banjo Grande Mother Ship, we will gently pickle it
    in a carafe of Berringer's White Zinfandel along with it's crew,
    (all except for El Banjo Grande himself). As for what we will
    do with him, it is still undecided. We may tie him up...
    yes...that's good. Tie him up... and get Jean Luc Ponty
    with his electric violin to fervently serenade the Bully Banjo Lover
    (wilder and wilder, louder and louder!) until he screams for mercy
    and agrees to enroll in Violin 101, taught by the
    kind and generous Fiddle Goddesses themselves."



    Play, fiddler, play!
    ARCHEOLOGIST FINDS STATUES

      At a site in Northern Britain, the famous archeologist
      Dr. I. Diggum reported a unique find. Two statues approximately
      three feet tall were uncovered when the research team
      delved beneath an ancient Roman ruin. "What we've found here
      are goddess figures, dating back to the reign of the Celts.
      They are unusually beautiful, the artistry of the stonework is incredible!
      They hold what appear to be violins, though the instrument
      is somewhat different than it's present-day form. When we questioned
      the local inhabitants about any legend or myth of such goddesses
      they referred us to the village pub. It seems that
      there is a similar statue there, though much smaller, that has been
      standing over the doorway since the pub was built in the 1700's.
      The legend is that whenever musicians gather there to play music,
      the goddess begins to glow and a smile is very evident on her face.
      We plan to check more into this phenomena Saturday night.
      Of course this will be a strictly scientific endeavor,
      well, I gotta go."



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      background music by Irving Berlin
      "Puttin'on the Ritz"