10 minute selection from: Big Nose (A Modern Cyrano) by D. M. Bocaz-Larson

 

Copyright (c) 1994, 2003

All Rights Reserved*

 

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Before performing this script, you must first request permission at pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com or http://www.reocities.com/pocolocoplayers/request.html

The script may be printed and copied for free. If you decide to perform the play and charge admission, the requirements are below: 1. All programs, posters, etc. should have the author's name (D. M. Bocaz-Larson) and something that tells about the Freedrama.com website such as "Produced by special arrangement with www.freedrama.com". When you complete the production, mail a copy of the program to the royalty address listed below. 2. There is a $20 royalty for using the play for up to two performances. If you perform the play three or more times, the royalty is just $10 per performance. The royalty payment must be sent via http://www.paypal.com. Or you may send a check to: D. M. Bocaz-Larson, 1721 Encino Ave., Grants, NM 87020. Please no purchase orders. NOTE: The play may not be reproduced or published in any form without written permission from the author. Thank you for selecting my script. I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely, D. M. Bocaz-Larson

 

 

Thank you and enjoy the script!



Author contact information:

D. M. Bocaz-Larson

422 Deanna Lee St.

Grants, NM 87020

pocolocoplayers@yahoo.com

 

Cast of Characters

 

CYRIL (MAN): A local man who has a rather large nose.

 

CAPTAIN: A bad actor who makes William Shatner look good.

 

SOLDIER: Another equally bad actor.

 

FRIEND(S): A friend of CYRIL�s in the audience who can be played by one or more actors of either gender.

 

ROXY: An actress in the CAPTAIN�s play who catches CYRIL�s eye.

 

KELLY: CYRIL�s friend who runs the theatre.

 

Time and Place

A modern day community theatre in small town USA.

 

Scene 1

 

(Lights come up on a poorly constructed set. There is a balcony with odd

colored cloth hanging down and a backdrop that is supposed to be a castle. Two men enter in Shakespearean type dress. They are very bad actors who think they are very good)

 

CAPTAIN

Look at yonder window, friend. She awaits me, she does.

 

SOLDIER

Doth she?

 

CAPTAIN

She does.

 

SOLDIER

But doth she love thee?

 

CAPTAIN

She does.

 

SOLDIER

So good for you.

 

MAN

(From audience)

So bad for us!

(He and FRIENDS laugh. The two actors take a quick glance out in surprise then quickly get back in character)

 

CAPTAIN

Uh... yes. She loveth me. She wroteth a letter.

(Takes it out. Sniffs lovingly)

Ah, doth though smelleth her fragrance? Doth thou find it heavenly?

 

SOLDIER

(Excited)

I smell. I smell.

MAN

You can say that again.

(He and friends laugh. The two actors try to hide their anger, but they don't do it well)

 

CAPTAIN

Tonight, I shall go to her. Tonight. Tonight!

 

MAN

When?!

 

CAPTAIN

(Angry. Trying to be more dramatic)

Tonight!

 

MAN

(Mocking)

I can't hear you.

 

CAPTAIN

(Turns to run off the stage)

Now look here!

(SOLDIER grabs him)

 

SOLDIER

I can not let you go to her.

 

CAPTAIN

(One more look at MAN then gets back to play)

Why doth thou stopeth me?

 

SOLDIER

Because she is to be mine.

 

CAPTAIN

Then we must fight to our deaths.

 

MAN

We can only hope.

 

SOLDIER

(They pull swords)

We fight for love!

(They dual. MAN sings "Love Boat Theme." He gets FRIENDS to join in. CAPTAIN is stabbed)

 

CAPTAIN

Oh, my heart. My loving heart. My heart is stabbed. I can love no more.

 

SOLDIER

Oh, my captain. I have slain thee. But how?

 

MAN

What do you mean "how"? What's that in your hand, a swizzle stick?

 

CAPTAIN

I die now. I die. I leave thee to love for I can love no more. My heart is worn. My blood will pour this night no more. I leave my sword, my rank, my love. You have it all now. You have everything I desire.

(Cough)

I die and leave thee. I die and leave thee these words.

 

MAN

Will you just die already?!

 

CAPTAIN

(Jumps up)

I've had it with you!

 

MAN

It's a miracle. He's alive.

 

CAPTAIN

(Picks up his sword)

Come on, whoever you are. I've had it with you. One night is bad enough but three in a row!

 

MAN

(Leaps up onto the stage)

Do you not know me?

(The man is CYRIL DE BURG, local jokester. He is well known for his big nose)

 

CAPTAIN

Oh, yeah. I know you now. I've heard about you. You're the one with the big nose.

(Gasp from CYRIL'S FRIENDS)

 

FRIEND

(From audience)

You shouldn't have said that.

 

CYRIL

You're offended by my nose?

 

CAPTAIN

It is no stranger than a dog with two tails.

(He laughs but no one laughs with him)

 

CYRIL

There was a poem a read once. It goes something like this:

(Picking up a sword)

"Roses are red. Violets are fuchsia. What you dish out, comes right back to ya'.�

(And CYRIL quickly unarms the CAPTAIN with a twist

of his sword)

 

CAPTAIN

(Looks at empty hand)

How did you�

(Backs away)

No hard feeling, huh?

 

CYRIL

None at all.

(CAPTAIN starts to go)

 

CYRIL

I look forward to seeing your performance tomorrow night.

 

CAPTAIN

Oh, no.

 

CYRIL

Oh, yes.

 

CAPTAIN

Oh, golly.

(Exits)

 

ROXY

(Comes out on balcony)

What's going on out here?

 

CYRIL

(To audience)

Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for. The farewell. When we last left our hero, he was flat on the floor, bleeding and giving some terribly boring speech. But his fair lady comes out and sees him dying. She calls out to him:

(He points to her)

 

ROXY

(She gives him a dirty look)

What is this?

 

CYRIL

And she says...

 

ROXY

(Sighs. Speaks flatly)

Oh, but I must have one good-bye kiss.

 

CYRIL

And so our hero, though he is bleeding to death, uses his last bit of strength to climb up to her.

(He does actions. The ROXY looks very annoyed. He is almost to her)

He wants that one last kiss. The kiss he has been dreaming of. But before he can reach her he tosses the mortal coil. UHHH!

(He dies and falls. Looks out at audience)

And dies.

(Stands up)

Finally.

 

ROXY

That isn't how it ends.

 

CYRIL

It isn't?

 

ROXY

No.

(She looks at him)

It ends with a kiss.

 

CYRIL

It does?

 

ROXY

Yes.

 

CYRIL

Really?

(He climbs up again)

Could you perhaps... show me?

 

ROXY

(She looks at him critically and then smiles. She leans to almost kiss him)

In your dreams.

(She pushes him off. KELLY rushes out and faces audience)

 

KELLY

Well, folks. That was an interesting twist in tonight�s show. We will now have a ten minute intermission�

 

CAPTAI N

(Storms onto the stage. Rips up a contract in front of KELLY)

I quit!

(Exits)

 

KELLY

Let�s make that a twenty minute intermission and we�ll be back� with something.

(Angrily calls to CYRIL under her breath)

Get over here.

 

CYRIL

Something wrong?

 

KELLY

Thanks to you, the theatre group canceled the rest of tonight�s performance. Now what am I going to do?

 

CYRIL

Hey! Let�s have a community talent show.

 

KELLY

You mean right now?

 

CYRIL

Give a prize. That will make them happy.

 

KELLY

(Sighs)

I guess. What else can I do?

 

KELLY

(ROXY exits as CYRIL enters. He watches her go)

You ready?

 

CYRIL

Of course.

(To audience)

Everyone? Can I have your attention please? Due to a sudden attack of stupidity, we will not be showing our regularly scheduled play. Instead I present to you a talent show where you, the audience, can be a part of it. First prize� $100.

 

KELLY

$100?

 

CYRIL

(Aside)

Just play along.

 

KELLY

Easy for you to say. It�s not your $100.

 

CYRIL

I�ll start things off by reciting some of my poetry.

 

CAPTAIN

(Appears out of audience)

I thought you said this was a talent show. It can�t be one with you in it.

 

CYRIL

You�re still here? Did the rest of the theatre group leave without you?

 

CAPTAIN

Aren't you being a little nosey?

(Referring to CYRIL'S nose)

I guess you're probably always nosing around.

(CYRIL is mad. ROXY, SOLDIER, KELLY reappear on stage)

What's wrong? I guess nobody nose!

 

CYRIL

Is that all you can think up?

 

CAPTAIN

I'm sure I could come up with a few more.

 

CYRIL

I bet you can't.

 

CAPTAIN

Wanna bet?

 

CYRIL

Gladly.

 

KELLY

Cyril. What are you doing?

(CYRIL waves her down)

 

CYRIL

I challenge you to a dual of jokes. Whoever tells the most nose jokes...

(CAPTAIN is up on stage)

 

CAPTAIN

Yes?

 

CYRIL

(Thinks. CYRIL motions to ROXY)

Gets a kiss from the lovely lady.

 

KELLY

Cyril!

 

ROXY

No, it's okay.

 

CAPTAIN

(Comes onstage. Eyeing ROXY)

I'll gladly accept as long as it�s a real kiss, not one of those stage kisses.

 

ROXY

(Winks at CYRIL)

It depends who wins.

(FRIENDS cat call from audience)

 

CYRIL

Shall we begin?

 

CAPTAIN

Okay, big nose.

(Laughs)

There's one.

 

CYRIL

That's it? I guess I shouldn't expect much from someone who must use his nose to count to eleven.

 

FRIEND

(From audience)

One - one!

 

CYRIL

No, no. We are insulting my nose, not his. Let's see. Oh, yes. Aggressive: Sir, if I had such a nose, I would cut it off to please, not spite, my face.

(Looks at audience)

One - one.

 

CAPTAIN

Your nose is so big you must use a box of tissues a day.

(A few boos from FRIENDS)

 

CYRIL

Oh, let's give it to him. Two - one.

(Thinks)

Hmmm. Ah, here's one: Hey, that thing's nearly a house... and wow, what a view!

 

FRIEND

Two - two!

 

CAPTAIN

(Frustrated. Then smiles)

I've seen a bigger nose. On an elephant.

 

CYRIL

Very good. Three - two.

(Thinks. Smiles)

On exercise: I've heard of people developing their muscles, but developing your nose? It�s the noseflex exercise challenge.

 

FRIEND

Three all!

 

CAPTAIN

(Annoyed)

Uh, your nose is so big you... you...

 

CYRIL

See the snot before you hear the sneeze?

 

FRIEND

That point goes to Cyril.

 

CAPTAIN

He didn't let me finish.

 

CYRIL

Go ahead.

 

CAPTAIN

It's so big... you're always nosing around.

(Boos)

 

CYRIL

No point.

(CAPTAIN scowls)

Gracious: How kind of you! How many people put a bird perch on his face?

 

CAPTAIN

Now look here...

 

CYRIL

When you have a cigarette and blow out your nose, do the neighbors cry, "Look out! A chimney's on fire!"

 

CAPTAIN

Forget it... I'm through...

 

CYRIL

(Stops him)

But I'm just getting started. When you go to the movies, do they charge you twice?

 

FRIEND

Seven to three!

 

CAPTAIN

It is not!

 

CYRIL

(CAPTAIN is really ticked)

And for my final insult: Musical. Sing with me now:

(FRIENDS sing)

Nobody NOSE the trouble I've seen. Nobody NOSE my sorrow.

(FRIENDS give wild applause)

 

CAPTAIN

I'm out of here.

 

CYRIL

Don't forget to write.

 

ROXY

It�s about time somebody put that jerk in his place.

(Smiles at CYRIL who suddenly becomes shy)

And for your prize... a kiss.

(She kisses him. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)