The Ultimate Haiku List!!!
Editor's note - The views expressed herein are not necessarily shared by Puppykisser. In fact, if I find your entries too offensive, I will hunt you down and bash you in...don't worry, this isn't bloody likely. Update - 08/04/04 - Just got back from Irreverence in Madison and I'm feeling very strongly that it is time to recruit the many brilliant minds kickin' around up there to join me and my fellow fucktards in expanding this list. Firing a shot over the bow later today to try and get a response...we'll see how this pans out.
The Ian A. Hall Collection
a big mac a day/supersize fries and a soda/recipe for death
absinthe assuages/allays all aches and ailments/analgesic ale
airedale barks loudly/wakes me from peaceful slumber/ruger shuts him up
all should be advised/clams that smell like rotting crabs/best be left alone!
all the fish are gone/from my office tank, gulped by/hungry janitors
all the world's women/schoolgirls to old maids, call me/inamorato
alligator farm/careless tourist slips and falls/big croc takes his balls
andy the cap god/could smear thor in a skirmish/amped on mountain dew
anomalous ab/polygamist milkfest wha?/i'm gone back to bed!
apricot jelly/smeared across mons veneris/makes a scrumptious treat
ardent porcine chick/wants to pounce upon yours truly/glad i run so fast
asian vomit queen/infamous around the globe/love that internet!
asshole cut me off/yosemite sam tirade/scared the bastard stiff
auto-dialer nightmare/faxing naught but all-black sheets/fucks their shit right up
bacchus was the man!/banged his staff on the ground, shot/wine instead of cum
backseat we defiled/she on top, did it in style/left her with a smile
bass ale in my trough!/cry of the thirsty pgbtt/this gal likes good beer
battered by a buck/lying in a pool of blood/in the dewy grass
beetles meander/entering through ear canals/eroding the dead
bento box for lunch/consists not of sushi but,/asian chix0r hunched!
better red than dead?/taken down by brown to crown/think i'd rather die!
billions for bill gates/trickle down invades the brown/pesos for paco
blurred photos depict/a hideous malfesance/one i'd do again
bowl of veggie soup/bequeathed me by pati c./warms my gutti-wuts
boy of five jerks off/into sister's ponytail/welcome to waco!
break your fucking arm/lest you relinquish quarters/for my foosball game
breakfast doughnut sucks/good thing my tummy's robust/lest you'd see chunks fly
broke into a lab/imbibed strange liquids for kicks/now my pee pee glows
brown clumps in the air/chimps engaged in shitflingy/stand back from the cage!
budweiser? piss water!/as hopper said "fuck that shit!"/gimme a Duvel!
bullet in the head/at least nine times out of ten/sullies a nice corpse
burgundy tortoise/shaded by bored miscreants/spray paint and spare time
burninator list/breakshit dot org videos/nothing's safe from us!
bury face with glee/alas, if your wrinkle stinks/i will not go down!
Bush's problem's simple/unlike Clinton's pot excuse/he never exhaled
can't leave for homestead/until i've eaten her twat/wouldn't be prudent
capillaries full/the bulbous, blood red head/splits her pouty lips
caterpillar stew/made with chunks of lemur brains/beats ramen noodles
cavorting naked/among poisonous adders/my newest hobby
centenarian/but she's still a wild lover/miss her when she dies
chaotic bedsprings/indict those who misbehave/let's fuck on the floor
chem lab accident/phosphates in the salt shaker/now i blast blue goo!
chimps take smaller dumps/but no matter, when it dries/it'll still sting lots!
cholos eye my girl/my recalcitrant response?/"CHINGA TU MADRE!"
chutney farts explode/toppling through a murghul dung/intestinal pain!
cicada soiree/rubbing my legs together/i join in the chant
circus tragedy/lions, tigers, bears, oh my!/lunching on the crowd
cleaning crew misdeeds/fucky-sucky on my desk/caught on video!
"clerks" film reference/confuses hermaphrodites/all holes can't be filled!
cloudpointers, peep this/god hates you idolaters/he's a hockey fan
colostomy bag/pops loudly, flooding hallways/coprophilic dream
concoted this scheme/you, your mom and a barrel/and niagara falls
coprophage perhaps/not sicophant; won't kiss up/but might kiss your ass
coral reef blunder/leaves one man legless as his/pal chortles loudly
corpses hard to find?/fear not, you shant go blind, with/your hand and your mind
corrupted toddlers/ponder world domination/learning ABC's
covered in honey/fairly glued together/shunning soap and water
crabs would soothe my gut/it cries out for seafood bisque/stirred well with a whisk
cracking cartilege/blunt force trauma to the nose/deters canvassers
crawling into bed/horrified to discover/morning fart remains!
cumbersome dildo/makes wider the oft-abused/asshole of aja
cupid's dart aloft/plunging like a mad piston/spilling tainted seed
cunts that miggs can smell/fill the air with herring's scent/better left alone
cup only half full?/pep up, pessimistic one/take a dump in it!
customer complaints/most invalid, some legit/they all go ignored
cut a mammoth fart/trouser chili resulted/here, try a spoonful
danko taunts gay guy/last year's balticon antics/big fag meets small fry
"darget" shouted brad/and from my perch upon the can/i heard the dog yelp
darwin's laws at work/i guffaw as tots collide/brains left in their wake
das ich blasts freely/fairly bursting my speakers/boss just wrings his hands
deadly condition/hyperglycemia, ouch!/my fucking heart stopped
decrepit tit man/slobbering at the t.v./will get laid no more
deer attack on tape!/antlered road-rat kicks your ass/how embarrassing
deja vu checkouts/registers read six-six-six/then people get killed
delhi dhaba calls/what'll it be this noche?/too tough to decide
derelicts attack/callow kindergarterners/outside my front door
dissipating pills/taints the beverage i serve/to my dinner guests
distract and pilfer/mode of the modern corsair/for purloining snacks
"do not fear our love"/implore the denizens of bound/"fear our STDs!"
dogs bite mailmen's legs/cats make funny hissing sounds/these things make me laugh
dogs endure much scorn/taking blame for scores of farts/man's best friend, indeed
dosed my pup last night/kibble laced with LSD/perked her ears right up
draconian jerks/suing youngsters on napster/great media coup
driftwood strikes the skull/of a child riding the waves/i laugh as he sinks
driving citywise/penis throbbing in her mouth/think i'm gonna crash
dryer shaft peril/crapper vent connects to it/don't shit where you dress!
"drop and give me ten"/says the major to his grunts/i bike past and laugh
duckbilled platypus/foiled by shoes on dead man's feet/eats his face instead
dust mites discreetly/nibble at your eyelashes/while you sleep at night
eat some broccoli/tree-like little scrub brushes/tidy up the colon
elevator's stuck/shify eyes, furtive glances/who the hell farted?
enraged priest laments/"pull up your pants, you heathen!"/so i leave the church
ergonomic guards/pad the world in which we live/people are too frail!
ever tried sounding?/it's urethreal widening/with "D" batteries
farted in the stall/flushed the can to cover up/chuckle blew my scheme
farting at rowboats/from my stinky raft, i am/poop ship destroyer!
fax spam is the worst!/huge waste of ink and paper/wanna buy some more?
fear the gaping maw!/toothless cavern calls your name/better double-wrap!
female victual/wet spot that's hot and hairy/i call it breakfast
finely tuned engine/colored candy apple red/powers the famed dorsch
finger in duck's butt/delmarva boy learns folkways/unique to inbreds
fireplace mishap strikes/burning embers on the ground/children writhe in pain
firing squad is primed/fuck your cigarette request/now it's time for death!
flicketh not boogers/into heavy autumn winds/else you'll be sorry
flies land on my dick/imitating ween lyrics/better clean if off
flytrap snares locust/struggling madly to be free/boy is he irate!
FOC now fills/the air lewdly, depicting/digital discharge
for fun in my youth/i'd put live crabs on sister/halting peaceful naps
format? font? insert?/can't find that confounded line/neither can bill gates
fresh air now pungent/sticky sweet smells of sexplay/cling to the nostrils
freshmaker my ass!/mentos cannot stake this claim/tic-tacs still the best
fuck those class-war pawns/parking meters round my block/sledgehammered for fun
furious fetus/trapped in placenta prison/breaks out his chainsaw
fusillade of lead/will pierce your chest cavity/if you spill my tea
g-man likes small boys/lures them to his house at night/makes him feel alright
gas jets cranked up high/smashy getting out of hand/propane in the ass!
gem studded cockrings/they call me rhinestone plowboy/i'll spread your pussy!
"get the sensation"/peppermint patty wrapper/inspires my lewd mind
glabrous young lass/shaves her naughty bits daily/what a piece of ass!
glad i made you laugh/decapitation humor/tends to do the trick
glade youe dide enjoye/mye odee toe lyrice pretensee/i'lle composee muche moree
goth histrionics/bemoaning lost makeup kit/i'll blacken those eyes!
great ugly brain name/medusa oblongata/fucking knee slapper!
guillotined your head/bowling bag is where it sits/'til my next yard sale
gulped some emetics/on a sunday afternoon/puked until the dusk
gun i just picked up/found it on the promenade/helped me get my raise
had a grand weekend/lots of tasty sex and food/now i sadly brood
hair and brains splattered/here and there in the wreckage/must've really hurt!
half-crazed naked man/emerges from the bushes/hit him with my bike
halloween's today/smashing pumpkins is a rite/not just corgan's band
happy labor force/they'll do anything you ask/five dollars an hour
hardware store hijinks/try out the model toilet/funny jackass stunt
hark! livestock goddess!/worshipped and adored in song/pgbtt be thy name
haujobb disc in hand/she reminisces aloud/on homes and gardens
hazel eyed vixen/fixes me with lurid eyes/her wish my command
hey now, hey now now/sing this corrosion to me/i'm more goth than you!
hick supermodel/butthole surfers album sleeve/brings her infamy
hid a bag of shit/under sleeping infant's crib/got him in trouble!
hit the guardrail hard/her labia my last meal/we died happily
hole that's open wide/drink the juice that flows from it/soft mouth vagina
homer's skittlebrau/candy floating in the ale/sweetens the spiel deal
hopscotch is my game/you think i'm preposterous/though i am sincere
horny college nerd/escapes to amsterdam/comes home pissing fire
horny kangaroo/pedarastic high hopper/chase down that joey!
how was work today?/tiger chewed off half my face!/just another day
hungry koala/perched atop a gum tree/kumquats on his mind
hyperactive child/eats ritalin like candy/but to no avail
"i could eat a horse!"/hyperbole for most folks/not for horse-dot-avi!
i dig pregnant chicks/fucked expectant mom so hard/fetus turned to soup
i love bag ladies/cellulite mams swaying, ah!/makes me almost hard
i once found myself/pissing on an old dartboard/while looking for god
i worked at wal-mart/had no green card, got the red/now i'm headed south
i'd kill for pork chops/confessed the frothing pitbull/while wagging his tail
if i don't like you/and you should die before me/i'll piss on your grave
if you're gonna shave/scalp that silly flocculus/bald is where it's at
igniting the barn/i guzzle doctor pepper/and warm my cold hands
i'll not let her sleep/my tongue as an alarm clock/wrests her from repose
i'm like narcissus/when i look into mirrors/i like what i see
in menstrual night/my unashamed concubine/wipes away her blood
in the stirrups, ma'am/dilation and curretage/then an endless sleep
incandescent sperm/"sounds impossible" you say?/eat some phosphorus!
incessant dripping/like chinese water torture/drives the goat insane
infernal machine/gives me killer headaches, makes/me want to shed blood
info will be free/technologic entropy/cannot be contained
injured my coccyx/performing sex feats bedwise/laid up for a week
insatiable dog/primed for another romp at/four fifteen a.m.
inviting jail stints/my abstruse relations with/roosters continue
jerk off profusely/my advice to horny teens/builds bed stamina
jutified fatigue?/post-orgasmic afterglow/it's the only kind!
kill suburbia/one bomb per community/should do quite nicely
kinetic couple/taking with them everywhere/desire for mad sex
kix cereal box/kid tested, mother approved/double entendre?
labia parted/mons swollen with carnal lust/what'choo waiting for?
languid bauhaus tune/pulls my lids down, shut and tight/boss screams in my ear
laptop turned cockroach!/threw it from the seventh floor/like bill lee's clark nova
large organgutan/saves his best for zookeeper/poo-palming his beard!
Lemmiwinks, be brave!/Like Frodo and Sam, you quest/freedom from the ring!
library scrumpage/observed by little children/scars the brats for life
like a bank robber/tuck your nose inside your shirt/evade the fartmusk!
Like Will Ferrell/Streaking down suburban streets/Talk about "Old School."
liquified flatis/blasted through a window screen/looks like refried beans
lobster up inside/this poor lady died of shock/mud-shrimp t.s.s.
look out, Jackie Chan!/Chop-socky humor's new star/has fists of cotton!
looking at my turds/contemplating where they'll go/another brown world
macrencephaly/lynch took this a bit too far/in the film scanners
mad audiophile/i've all the discs, ALL the discs/from your hairy crotch
mail migration failed/all your steamy porno files/now arouse your boss
mariah carey/i think she sucks monkey butt/millions can be wrong
maybe i'm lucky/being hit by ice-cream trucks/hasn't done me in
men who drive horse carts/needn't criticize young pros/for donning black clothes
mentally infirm/the mailman abducts a swine/feeds it turpentine
mirror i smashed/portends seven ill-starred years/think i give a damn!
mixed-up metaphor/fake cocks, purple dinosaurs/i can take no more!
mobile home owners/friendly folks without a care/also, without teeth
mobster at your door/baseball bat and kneecap meet/do the dance of pain
morose robert smith/caterwauls about true love/i want to go home
movie theater fun/flicking fingers on pink parts/kinda missed the plot
murdered bugler's corpse/left behind by pissed off grunt/after reveille
my bed was the site/semen taking fight, porno/sans the camera
my legs propped up/waiting for the time to pass/disregarding work
my sheets could survive/a thermonuclear war/they do it nightly
naive inquiry/about sex, drugs, and money/answered with a gun
naked and waiting/girl versus dinner, alas/woman wins again
NASCAR fans perish/pelted by flying shrapnel/i laugh 'til i cry
Nash, in 'The Hitcher'/jennifer jason leigh/neck-chick hot as nukes!
nitrous oxide binge/sexual hypoxia/i'll buy the chargers
nivek ogre's grunts/pacify the brutal day/wash my cares away
no innuendo/never, ever one for pretense/i just say "let's fuck"
no yum-yum tonight/chances of this are less than/cubs winning series
not partial to blondes/Charlize Theron gets mad props/she stiffens my wand
nothing on my screen/paid two thousand for this heap!/oh, it's not plugged in.
now it's time to go/to rush home, bolt shut the door/and touch my tooter
office politics/need some staples? suck my dick!/seems a fair exchange
oft castigated/as a child with no morals/sin has been my life
oldsters can be strange/why the plastic-coated chairs?/BRAP! i get it now...
once you got the gist/the zest of cushion coition/you gave up your fist
oooh, it's :wumpscut:/delighted twirling hippos shriek/crowding the dancefloor
palpating her breasts/for non-medical purpose/stiffens my member
paralytic kids/melded tree with SUV/won't see them at prom
part the sea of black/punching feeble fashion plates/thanks for playing Gwar!
perched on cushy chair/torrid visions fill my head/food and sex and sleep
percussive raindrops/play sensuous symphonies/for twilight lovers
permanent marker/moves in mysterious ways/'cross the sleeping face
picture frankenstein/sipping wine and eating brie/nah. it doesn't work.
pierced perineum/makes the worst pinochle jock/play more artfully
pilgrims are extinct/save those lancaster phonies/but their hats kick ass
pink inside and out/struts her stuff in leather pants/ham it up, tracy!
pitiful sinschylde/silly longevity claims/won't help him bed chicks
plowing the cornfield/i pine for matchbox cars/eating pure guava
pointing to himself/Miro credits where its due/SATAN SCORES A GOAL!
potty seat mishap/toilet training put on hold/time to fingerpaint!
prancing gaily 'round/i stub my toe, my mood goes/sour like vinegar
prattling on for days/hope this lady succumbs to/the urge to snuff it
pray tell does hubby/have the slightest idea/you're fucking strange men?
priceless faberge/reconstruct the gilded egg/now it's a dildo!
public nose-picking/epidemic in the south/rednecks do it best
pummeled jonbenet/bleeding little female corpse/was it mom or dad?
quite amazing, that./food starts out any color/but all comes out brown
radical preacher/pleads with christ to save his soul/i say worship set
rajah, i suppose/became bungtorn, indisposed/by inox's phallus
raped the pope for fun/ripped his robes and pointy hat/whatcha think of that?
rapturous hours spent/her cunt bites deliciously/on my stiff penis
ray: child molester/andy: cap god with a hammer/bra'd: bust held in place
redneck fudgepackers/mix their love with southern twists/mechanical fists!
relentless thrusting/gives rise to guttural cries/and wakes my roommates
ripe rutabaga/perfect projectile, enemy/of crappy lounge acts
robber apprehended/caught him stealing underwear/made him put it on
rubber bands galore/mini-missiles find their mark/interoffice war
ruby encrusted broach/up the clam to halt the splam/makeshift IUD!
rumored videotape/of our laundry room exploits/bet it sells in france
savage, animal/you can call me what you will/i just like to fuck
scars run down my back/cursory wounds that speak of/turmoil in the sack
scent of dead herring/much more pleasant, less foul than/breath of latest temp
school for dancing yak/opine economic doom/if you open one
scoping out mallards/pea-shooter at the ready/i crack my knuckles
scratch thee not thy sores/be they from elder-berries/or too much old spice
sea salt in the womb/when she comes you will enjoy/tasty pussy bisque
semi-psycho infant/commandeers helicopter/robs the gerber plant
serrated dildo/tears into her fleshy folds/frees the crimson tide
served at mickey d's/grade d meat and bung backwash/you'll be "lovin' it!"
sexy bedtime tales/whispered so seductively/may portend wet sheets
sharing scads of files/they can keep what they can catch/but that isn't much
sharpest thing there is?/a fart. goes through your pants/and leaves not a mark
she and i, we two/are in collusion, cohorts/in odious acts
shocking morning flasher/jiffy john manlove exposed/at gravelly point
showed for free coffee/but skipped the morning meeting/spoils of promotion
silenced pistol coughs/bullets penetrate the hearts/of sleeping babies
singing about poop/a shitty Who parody/"A fecal matter"
slaphappy grandpa/knows the joys of spanking bums/of young progeny
sloe gin fizz fizzles/cold, dank rain fairly drizzles/swizzle stick swizzles
sneezed into the brown/gave the gerbil renewed hope/he'd escape some day
snotty colleague's flame/incites amusing wars of words/i come out on top
soft-porn-scat combo/red shoe diarrhea, ha!/romantic as shit
software technician/sells illicit DVDs/he's fired on the spot
some fools say "no way."/full of iron, it's good for you!/lap it right on up!
spider man undies/worn by aging comic geeks/bloodlines soon to end
Spring means RennFaire time!/Geeks aplenty haunt the grounds/Babbling Olde English
SSU dorm bash/andy enters unannounced/in his birthday suit
stabbed you many times/with my shiny black trident/left you in a heap
stacking lincoln logs/built myself a nice cabin/it's too fucking small
steed branding miscue/careless horseman's teeth are lost/hoof upside the head
steel laundry table/saw us fuck like mad canines/left the stains for proof
sticky, malformed folds/hide a crag of utmost stench/lick it and you'll die
stopping for red lights/my whole hand shoved in her crotch/makes the truckers smile
strapped on cheese grater/primes my penis to make some/pussy parmesan
streaker road lawn swans/would freak out ichabod crane/thanks to me and brad
strip mall body spa/you can have your buttpipe flushed/for a tidy sum
stuffed green peppers/filled with puckered cat butts/ain't my cup of tea
such a courtesan/impending ruination/of clean, young minstrels
superliminal/hammering it home, i shout/"fuck you" to your face
sutcliffe jugend disc/katzenjammer magnifique/colleauges shake their heads
sweet love elixir/gushes from betwixt her thighs/yummy facial cream
swerving back and forth/sound asleep on the highway/won't get home alive
tamarindo juice/sweet but not as tasty as/my baby's nectar
teabags are all gone/time to replenish my cache/of black-cut pekoe
teeth clenched, eyes ablaze/usually he'd look quite tough/but he's wearing tights
telemarketers/punch your own balls off yourselves!/thanks, i've said my piece
terror level up/fears of biowarfare rise/it's just brad's milk farts
that cat david blaine/starved himself for weeks on end/what a bleeding fool!
that guy son of sam/what did he do that was wrong?/they should set him free
The SAE flag/Beauty! Purple...Gold... and BROWN!?!/Damn those rugby goons!
then a stick of gum/thanks to kelli frazier/wrigley's hits the spot
then there's peanuts, too/like metal studs protruding/from the mounds of goo
third baseman daydreams/sharp crack! the bat, then his skull/splintered by the ball
though big brother's there/information flows freely/under the radar
though sweat ain't my fave/that post-sex disheveled look/simply can't be beat
ticketing my car/meter maid caught by surprise/my foot in his ass
tied to the train tracks/truculent, treacherous tart/tarries timidly
toner cartridge bursts/black powder abounds, snort it/like ebony cocaine
too much raisin bran/sets bowels in motion, causes/fecal avalanche
toungued a ripe bunger/now my tongue is brown, shaded/kinda like oak bark
tragic cornflake sinks/drowning in the milk of an/unconcerned bovine
traipsing through the streets/naked as a jaybird, drunk/prison bunk awaits
trampled by wild moose/while hiking with a stranger/ugly way to go
treble clefs are neat/provided kinky music/flanks them to the right
treblinka's a place/i've not yet carried myself/doubtful that i will
tripped on a damned rake/tumbled like an acrobat/dashed my head apart
trolling for virgins/the slick charmer seeks his prey/better chased than chaste
troubled lady fidgets/feeling awkward, i caught her/checking out my arse
tummy all a-bulge/put my dick inside the girl/baby wanked me off
turbid yellow piss/churns the placid, crystal sea/in my toilet bowl
turbinado sugar/only the best eateries/offer you this treat
turtle begs my boot/curmudgeon in a hardshell/kick his ass a mile
tyson is an ass/now evander knows it's best/to box herbivores
unabashed noise/terrifying, trebelous/now you've known the dorsch
under the boardwalk/out of the sun, havin' fun/till a cop strolls past
use your cunt i will/shove it full of cock, tease you/till your screams are shrill
vagina gourmand/don't need towels, nor a bib/use the thigh napkin!
vertigo and libido/as one when i'm inside her/succulent fissure
vibrating butt plug/the funniest phrase ever/defy to top it!
viciously attacked/with cold whipped cream, but i'm naked/so can't much complain
virgin's orifice/deeper, wider it'll be/motor oil for lube
viscous white fluid/issues from me, scalding her skin/pools in her navel
wanna-be jesus/fervent holy pedagogue/ejected by me
watchtower pamphlets/strewn about my bathroom, handy/when TP is gone
went down on my girl/proboscis in her privates/sweeter than lilacs
went to buy pecans/found that they were out of stock/settled for peanuts
what ignominy!/imagine eulogizing/such a shitty death!
what's that fetid smell?/flush the toilet constantly/never disappears!
where have you all been?/molesting camels, no doubt/or playing yahtzee
where's that jonbenet?/bet she works in thailand now/fifty buys you head
whether just venting/well-known barbs, or inventing/cussing's just plain fun
whether painting strokes/or flicking like a piston/tongue must never stop!
which one wears the pants?/judging from your last haiku/wife reigns over you
winsome, delicate girl/suddenly electrified by/power of whipped cream
with a baseball bat/i whack the dormant beehive/chuckling as i run
witness this event/don your plastic, head to toe/the brown caber toss
woodsy owl's a freak/innocent though he may seem/he's a klismaphile
working gotcha down?/quit that job! go join the mob!/kill for cash and prizes!
yawning pudendawrapped around a baseball bat/porno parlor trick
ye olde englishe sayse/tise ae muste toe adde ane ee/toe alle wordse youe seee
yeast sprouts a-wildly/'twixt her withered, wrinkled folds/so says neighbor's son
yo, i high like kite/ready to box, even fight/jhoon rhee might for right!
yum yum addicition/our shared affliction, reason/we're such good buddies
The Raymond K. Witmer Collection
a puzzle: my old/tormentor's anagram - el ha/i am action ass!
bang the drum slowly/dancing to another beat/andy band played on
blow them all to hell!/avenge our two embassies!/jihad to do it!
butt shaft flies freely/from stupid archer, cupid/sharpen your arrow!
fuck afghanistan/the cowards hide in caves/and butt fuck livestock
haikus are like shit/fertilizer, not snack food/i will not write this
he lowered his pants/and did what's hard to swallow/oh, he blew it, too
i am not a sheep/i do not follow the crowd/if i want to write a fucking haiku with more than five fucking syllables in the last fucking line, i will jolly well fucking do it because it is my damned writing and i refuse to be dictated to by dickheads like you who do despicable things to small animals with a fork
i do not demean/chicks, the more gentle gender/we should all own one!
i go home at night/a wife, two kids, and two dogs/sue's dog licks her, too
i have a boy bone/i want to hump a femur/osteopathic!
i just lay the keel/you build the damn ship yourself/accoucheur? Not me!
i, the haiku god/have read your damn haiku list/puppy kiss my ass!
i need a challenge/damn, two refills at one time/this is too easy
i shall not take part/nor go back from whence i came/i am an old fart
if your sores are raw/and their goop runs down your leg/you have pus in boots!
i'll not waste my time/even though you're in labor/not me tangere
jihad terrorists/cruise missiles up their ass/it damn near rectum
just remember this/sir, a wet bird never flies/at night when naked
kotex pads with wings/or tampax light day tampons?/kate goes with the flow
let's go to egypt/to see that great world wonder/the "a" nile sphincter
make like a dutch boy/stick your finger in a dyke/a dikeotomy
marsupials,sir/dread you chewing their male pouch/so, up your wombutt!
mcdonald's breakfast/cheese danish and diet coke/always on the house!
mcdonald's fast food/home of scottish fine cuisine/i get free drinks there
mickey buys my drinks/i've gone from bladder to verse/piss to poetry
mickey d haggis/god knows what's in their burgers/i sure as shit don't!
nay, effluvium/wafting, sir, from mr. ed's butt/equine poop, wilbur!
now the truth i see!/send him to the pillory/worse - to hillary!
pharmaceuticals/ha! pick up your bloody dead/they litter the streets
ray: the sun's warm light/andy: a flaming homo/brad: a small iron nail
retaliation!/now we know monica once sucked/bill clinton still does
sadder Budweiser/a potable of sorrow/what a crock of Schlitz
such a small phallic/brained idiot; we shall wax/sesquepadalic
the fat bitch returns/oozing marinara sauce/big, fat, sweaty broad
the cows have come home/which beast led the herd back? why/the bovine miss m!
vaginal cave-ins?/alas, sir, they are caused by/too small timber beams!
what a way to go/her fat thighs crushing my head/don't sit on my face
which bitch, witch bitch, which?/so Sue me if I have a/Katetonic fit (play on names to piss off co-workers)
who invited him/to wage in the haiku wars?/the old man's cheeky
why shoot denver's kids?/it was not the post office/fucking coward pricks
you really screwed up/shoved the tampon up your ass/god damned fucking cunt
you're nulipera?/i'll take care of that for you/you may have my seed
The Inox Collection
6 jewelry stores/in but ONE shopping center!/bet they launder cash
10 oz. Miller Lite/Pickup truck with KC lights/Marlboro Lights box
a bleach enema/that could sure ruin my day/better take ex-lax
A fountain of poo/Arcs from the Japanese girl/Enema-riffic!
A fumbling threesome,/Then balls snipped with garden shears!/A crude metaphor.
A purple condom?/No, it's a blue and a red,/'Cause you're such a skank.
A shrieking yeti/Created by alcohol.../He's drunk and naked!
All hot southern girls,/Take me to your Backwoods now!/Bluegrass tour of ass
All Praise to Bacchus/Let us run the fuck amok!/Tomorrow's a myth
Although, I must say:/Women are at their hottest/When atop my prong.
An upper decker/Can't flush away the horror/It taunts from the tank
And while we are here/Across the face of the globe/Behold! Shit happens
Anger not my br0wn;/It will Pompeii your cubefarm,/Trap your soul in po0!
Antibiotics,/Hormones and Mad Cow Disease;/I'll shop at Whole Foods.
Beachball in my butt/I can't see its bright colors/But I feel the pain
Behold my lawn sheep/Grass grows so long around it/It hides the beer cans
Behold, the Black Pearl/Pearl necklace & a black eye/Step off, donkey punch
Behold the scrapple!/Gelatinous grey meat lump.../Like undead sausage
Between folds of fat/Lies a forgotten sandwich/Fusing with her flesh
birdies on the roof/to hell with the damn shingles/just get the shotgun
Buggering your cat/Seemed the grandest idea/On that ether binge
cat astride my boot/flies awkwardly through the air/comes to rest so still
cat ate all my drugs/so i ask it's bloody corpse/where can i get more?
chris fox: enigma/his love for parrots gives pause/feather that love nest
CLOACONIMBUS!/Dire shit cloud blankets the town.../Why does my *hair* smell?
Cold morning flasher/Bears his shaking blue member/Frost upon the tip
cousin in my bed/we drank too much at dinner/oh well, once a year...
cram it in your rear!/i should ream the lot of you/for your rude remarks
Crazy snake handlers/Often suffer fatal bites./Guess god prefers snakes
cuddly razorball/pangolin waits in the grass/for barefoot children
curious youngster/electric knife draws him close/buzz! lose three fingers!
Diamond dust condom/Sandpapers those pussy walls/Best for the grudgefuck
Don that velvet cloak!/Strip mining a subculture/Is your only skill.
Don't buy a cloth chair!/They recycle your worst days/With every small bounce.
Don't fuck with big cats/A paw trumps the rule of law/You too, can be po0p
DWI's/Just a part of redneck life/Rowdy like NASCAR
Ejaculation!/I blinded her with science/Wow...she's really mad.
Elbow smashes face/Teeth fold in time with the beat/Mosh pit violence!
everyone po0ps/not everyone recycles/here, have a cookie
exsanguinous chit!/of course i meant to do that/that's why you got cut
Fat redneck knocked down,/Trucker hat tips from mullet,/Hooves stomping his groin
Fear not the Red Wings,/All is lickable girlness!/Crowley loved it too!
Filled with the stupid/We get what we now deserve/In TV format
fire in the landfill/huge mass of burning tires/all because of me
Firm brown hockey puck!/Punishing parcels of poo!/Slap shot to the dome...
fistful of feces/in flagrante delicto/foul po0 love earns scorn
Flattus and giggles/Emanating from Br0d's desk/Time to shut that door!
forbidden urges/shower po0 seemed not unwise/stomp it down the drain
frankenstein monster/ejaculating lightning/that's *my* brain on drugs
giant, open sores/taught me an important truth/i can't act like GWAR
Girl chokes on horse cock,/Uploads the film, goes to work,/And makes your burger.
gluttonous uncles/gastronomy domine/don't use the bathroom
go power rangers!/small children hurt each other/imitating you
good dental hygeine/purifier of the soul/flossing is my life
Gorilla biscuits/Striking with amazing force/Lethal poo pitches
Gotta go for it/Box that ch0w ch0w regardless/It is added glee!
guess what my dick has/the strength of a million souls/power of the dead
Guinness Draught bottles:/Costly drunk rockets to god./Someone pay my bail
guinness is calling/ireland's four courts sounds good/i'll walk there at 6
Heave that faecal cup!/Watch it tumble in the air/Towards that parked cop car.
Here we have a chance/To boost aggregate laughter/With fecal humor
Here's a magic trick/Dance with Monticore, bitchass!/You'll be just like Roy
Hey there, fat goth girl!/"The goggles, they do nothing!"/(for your giant ass)
Hunters, raped by deer/Live a quiet life of shame/Don't dare share the tale
hunting wild turkeys/gun raised, i sight & i shoot/drat! that's my beagle!
I bust out my rhymes/And my nine at the same time/Suckas fall in line
i love the dead ones/curling iron up her ass/keeps her warm for me
I own 8 Mustangs/Which are parts for a ninth one/In the impound lot
If she can give birth/Then she can admit the girth/Prove her fucking worth
I'll print out my spam/And tamp it down spammers' throats/With a shit-caked broom
I'm d0wn wit da br0wn/Po0p can be fun to look at/And even to throw
I'm just not mellow./Even now that I don't drink,/Things still need to burn!
In the warm winter/I made a snowman from po0!/...damned humorless cops.
internic updates/monopolistic slow fucks/keep my domain down
Is the baby gay?/Uterine fellatio/Is good evidence.
It's five, seven, five/With mention of the season/Also included
It's fine to pass out/But never on the toilet/Shit welded to ass
it's not going to fit/when you hear these words in bed/you must pay no heed
It's vampire time!/10,000 simps in whiteface/Tonight, it's costume!
It's West Virginia/All holes filled with hard brothers/Incest and dirt farms
kmfdm/they need to write a new song/and call it "pipe bomb."
Lesbian Fisting:/An odd substitute for cock/Issues with daddy?
Let's be honest here/Our votes do very little/Corporations choose
Let's combine the two:/BBQ and smashing things!/Best...party...ever
Let's mirror their site/And share it with everyone/Would they still be mad?
Lickable goodness/Brings me ineffable glee/Girl love in my ears
Licking the lobster/Should not involve the mud shrimp!/Well, that made no sense.
Light Br0d's emissions/No more need for the propane/But the burgers smell
Like a real clam/About to go in the pot.../Scrub it thoroughly!
Like fire in the depths/Of Centralia, PA/So burn my bowels
Like we've seen with SCO,/Greed leads to dubious claims/And frivolous suits
Long pangolin licks/Catching lazy summer ants/Puts my tongue to shame
long, sharp icicle/drops from the sunny roof's edge/bad time to look up
love's a muffler clamp/sandra lindsey, you can't leave!/time to make burgers
lubricated arm/easily invades the girl/binary fetish
mexican pizza/gastronomic disturbance/yo quiero morir
Mikey likes it all:/Life, Kix, Corn Flakes, Cornholing.../Breakfast catamite!
Molesting the cat/It started out as a dare/Now you're an outcast
Most people fighting:/Push, sucker punch, wrestling match./...or they bring 8 friends.
Most TV romance,/Like monkeys flinging their po0,/Fails to excite me
Multicolored d0ng/Rainbow Brite had a rough night/Cervical palette
mutual using/i never lie to get laid/they know it's just sex
my anus, barking/chases the birds from the sky/you must phear my br0wn
my anus doth ache/from torrents of fire shite/wayyyy too much kim chee
My anus speaks hate/Spouts like a surfacing whale/Best take ten steps back
my cock is on fire/place it deep within your mouth/that it may be quenched
My delicacies/Are mostly acquired tastes/NOW LET'S CHOW SOME BOX!
my deviancy/should not become as issue/in future haiku
My turds are as coal/And when gases seek to vent/Evacuation!
Naked little girls/Cover them in duct tape and.../Oh wait, I woke up
New Year's Eve is here:/Time to drink beer and get laid!/Some things just don't change.
never get milk/but that is not the reason/i like female breasts
never getting laid/would have made me a killer/i am sure of that
Nicole Blackman said,/"Whether in bed or in court/Everyone gets off."
No hablo ingles/Pero, trabajo aqui/Ay! Es la Migra!
no one knows i'm gay/better stand up during grace/and remedy that
nuclear attack/time to do criminal things/they can just bill me
Office flatulence!/Cannot decide who to blame.../A pox on them all!
On the kitchen floor/Is a bad place to wake up.../So please let me sleep
Pink hearts, yellow moons,/Orange stars, and all the rest/Emerge as brown paste
Piropos are dropped/And that is when I fling po0/Escalation's key
Pocket Vagina/Certainly comes pretty close/Gotta catch 'em all!
Poisonous nonfood/Blocked you up in the first place/Re-Cycle of Life
Ponder Ted Danson/Why is he still on TV?/Worn 80's relic.
poor little kitties/alone outside in the cold/better this way...burp!
Popularity/Through brand affiliation/Sounds like the mainstream
Predator jism!/A glowing green money shot/So very punk rawk
Randall had it right:/Embarass the soccer moms/With talk of ass sex.
Ravers annoy me/"Kompressor break your glowstick"/Candy flip and die.
Read the fucking FAQ!/These shits can't seem to manage/To learn a damned thing
rectal explosion/as the fiber does its job/constipation? ha!
rectal sensation/a burning that just won't quit/damn those enemas!
RIAA: pwned!/Fucked hard by a DOS attack/Site down for six days
Rivulets of sperm/(so like melted moonstone tears)/gliding down your cheek
scooping and throwing/feces lines the bathroom stall/i'm mad about poo
sendmail rulesets/taking all my list email/right to dev slash null
Shite is my war paint/As I cast the dross aside/With ironic waste
Sleeping with strangers/Is vastly underrated/Just pick them sober
Smarmy men descend,/Offering backrubs and drinks/To all those with tits
Snot drips from anus/What the hell happened here?/Allergic homos!
So it's Halloween/And I don't have a costume.../Time for shirt ninja!
Someone who responds/And then rips off the spammers/Would be my hero
Spattering horrors!/Thrown chimp shit strikes a cage bar./Divide and conquer!
Spinning poo discus!/Herculean ape hurls it.../Straight from ass to brow
Steel jacketed shell/Firing through armor plating.../Make the penis fit!
"Stick in it your butt/and then plug it in the wall."/Never a good plan
streaming through the air/the only bag of flour/never strikes a car
"Swallow every drop / or I will pull the trigger." / Won't make her happy.
tapioca spheres/(sucked upward through the thick straw):/squishy like tadpoles
Taste the rainbow, bitch!/My prismatic blast of wad/Paints you like a clown
That girl likes to puke.../Just fucking stop already!/This clip is too long.
The best idea/Was in "Doom Generation"/Smash heads with car doors!
The best of all meals!/No preparation needed;/Just decent hygiene.
The best ones of all/Surprise us, like shards of ice/At a snowball's core
the cervical ore/must be mined and then refined/into moans and glee
The furniture singed,/I swear off habaneros/Too little, too late!
The high colonic:/Health boon or pure quackery?/REARrigation flume!
The hottest woman/I've seen in any movie/Is Salma Hayek
The Net makes money!/Let me get on and trade stocks!/Hold on...what's a mouse?
The one true constant/Of all sentient lifeforms/Is the need to po0
The parking meters/Say: "ALL MAY PARK, ALL MUST PAY"/So I slash tires.
The prank phonecaller/Forgot *67/Wonders who's knocking.
The sphincter, winking,/Slides shut like a Star Wars door./The one escape, blocked!
The taste of booty:/Affected by hair color.../And hygiene, of course
the word of the day/on this fine july morning/will be: assgoblin
Their fascist methods/Will earn them scorn, not dollars./Screw the big labels.
Then again it's po0p/Maybe I need a new plan/Or just more coffee
they shall all perish!/thought the master poisoner/surveying the spread
Time for a new con,/One where people still attend./Bring back the old us!
Time for a party!/Let the clothing be removed!/Cut right to the chase
Trades her Kix for dix/Foreign men on preteen chix/Pix of trix, age six
Try before you buy!/In the mattress store with whores.../I got banned for life!
Try to pet the bear/After you feed him snack chips!/He will give you love.
Two handfuls of shit/And a mighty urge to clap:/How I see my life
Unlike other meals/I never tire of box/Gotta ch0w 'em all!
vietnamese store/sells interesting candies/no clue what I bought
Vindaloo transforms/Ordinary anuses/Into lava chutes
Wack muthafucka/Steppin up to a brutha/Better take cover
Warrior of cock/Bold pr0n star needs no fluffers/Bet he hates that bitch
We are in the dark/Accept disempowerment/Or run for office
We have no power/Control is an illusion/For the citizen
Well, the best for that/Is the Wild Orchid scene/Almost like a p0rn
when, unlike kenny,/by accident we slew james/no one yelled "bastard!"
Where does it all go?/A poonami of backwash/Into some machine...
"Will they eat cat meat?"/The grim butcher mused aloud/But of course...they would
Yawning vagina!/Impossible dildonics/Have ruined your quim
Yea! Cunnilingus!/Vaginal anathema/Is my candyland
yes, that's a grenade/no, it doesn't have the pin/bet we'll be dead soon
young leaves emerging/blossoms and flowers abound/why's it so damn cold?
Young milk carton girls/Probably sold overseas/Silence of the Clams
The Michael A. Barkett Collection
and there's a puuuuuuuusy/in the cave and he has got/sharp, pointy teeth, fangs
chuckle to myself/place a booger on the wall/at the urinal
fetid butthole stench/mystifying properties/makes the bedsheets glow
flintstones vitamins/a whole bottle in one day/yields much jet black shit
flushing the brown down/the chocolate milky way/i think, "you are here"
get your facts straight, kid/animals kevin has dogged/are siamese cats
got used to the warm/my teats thought it was summer/cold, hard, male nipples
highly valued jeep/sporting huge kicker boxes/syphillitic teens
i'd have abstained, but/ya took yer ether with you/that's the price you'll pay
kevin buttfucks cats/dogs fuck women on the net/i'd suggest doghood
kevin tells a tale/he's on the receiveing end/much to his chagrin
i can't beat that one/i laughed my fucking ass off/it's in the fireplace
inox has gay sex/with little dead puppies, too/they just shoot red cum
new york and detroit/merge to become one, in an/episode of "V"
octuple teaming/the third nipple is the key/just think about it
orgasmic pleasure/seeping in from the next room/who needs a porno?
rollerblade terror/can now be haiku topic/for all to boast of
the pock of my face/i'll show you my technique/you fucking niggah!
the "terrible" twos/no blood but if you're lucky/you will get some poo!
wafting flatulence/predictable dispersal/brown makes noses scrunch
waiting twelve minutes/in front of a gay old guy/to buy my damn seeds
wang on my forehead/my penile lobotomy/was not a success
we're all pleased to hear/you don't like it in the rear/but in the right ear
The Darquebutte Collection
boredom plagues us all/even those with dullard men/i could make you scream
business acumen/influence that conquers worlds/could not halt the cream
cats and dobermans/wash their tiny mammal twats/which their master sears
children open wide/jam my fingers deep inside/have a dose of AIDS
complete UNIX dung/two inch book which fries my brain/the high cost of spam
creeping, dimpled mass/poisoned mind, body aghast/good god it's my ass!
entire lives are spent/consoling penises lost/torn skin has its cost
epicenter spits/all directions, sheeple sit/minds are torn to bits
hopped the hale-bopp ship/gathered balls and then warped back/sold them to a cook
hypocrite writes back/lusting for our robust youth/aging repressed squack
i like mine at birth/always blind and left alone/they are oh so slick
lonely woman's dog/as she cracks a can of jif/great dane's wang gets stiff
NEW RULE TO DEPLOY;/FOR ALL OF YOUR ONE NIGHT STANDS;/VACUUM UP THE JIZZ
nineteen ninety eight/hail our outlet, buy some hate/punk's pathetic fate
please take it from me/these were my hobby when young/round room is my home
skipping database/teacher crafts from nothing, much/banal copperfield
sliced off your left thumb/took it home to show my mom/now it's in the loaf
s-t-f-u now/both of you hang out at wet/gayest patrons yet
things in hell don't rot/dearth of water, too damn hot/kind of like your twat
trapped behind a desk/soldier in a war of smiles/gluttons, phones, and guiles
wafting piece of gum/stuck to the my upper lip/ate it upside down
waiting therefore lorn/whenceforth canst thou then admit/some words don't mean shit
The Donna S. Collection
bored and brainless boys/lamely counting syllables/dreaming of pussy
demented lifeguard/composing half-assed lyrics/with my tax dollars!
stupid fucking dog/pissed on my new sisal rug/time to cut his balls
the rest in hades/may rot for all i care, it/matters not to me
The Joshua Warner-Burke Collection
black and white clippings/the old man's life like tiny/crushed diamonds thrown out
couple moved uptown/mary sewed a wedding gown/teddy stole a gun
kraftwerk radio/92-Q perilous/groovin' on hi-fi
motorcycle wire/household violence, backyard blaze/sunny delite fire
my scabrous comrade/once he loved sex and candy/kick some ass, andy
not enough words blah/not enough syllables rah/no rhyme scheme tra-la
seven stories wide/expanse of broken space leaves/broken light alone
unspoken beach dreams/white cotton and tan bodies/licking at our burns
you're a foolish rogue/sinning on the edge of blue/coquette made of wool
The Randy D. Goldstein Collection
big big big big balls/my balls speak to me, you know/they tell me to kill
chickens! chickens! b0k!/bok! b0k! bok! b0k! bok! buk-Gawwwk!/chickens, chickens, b0k.
CHICKENS OF THE HELLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/THEY SHRIEK UNTO ME BOK BOK@!$$#$#$@$@!#/HELL IS IN A CAN
chrizto and randy/sharing the isis like thoughts/god damned hells of man
everyone is ghey/yes, i seem to feel this way/haha you are ghay
gothic pain and hate/shoot the jocks in their faces/get that black kid, too
haiku is for fags/i'm your rock and roll daddy/a blue green olga
hippy destruction/my cock is on goddamned fire/eat hot shit you fuck
inox, the lawyer/beating witnesses with sticks/order in the court!
JJ on the drugs/wife too drunk to stay awake/brad is gay, likes men
My cock shrieks and screams!!!/My cock then damns you to hell!!/No more drugs for me...
Oh man, you are hot/I'd like to take you and um.../I should really stop
piece of hell on face/lick the blood of the devil/i just poop myself
pizza waits for me/in the fridge it stays alert/hell is on the winds
radon sure aint right/radon seeps into the night/those songs really sucked
randy d. goldstein/that is my full given name/is that all you need?
shitty cock fuck fuck/my cock is on god damned fire/now, cliff is to blame
shut it the fuck UP!/you get on my goddamned nerves!/jesus fucking CHRIST!@#
THE PAIN OF THE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/i leech my very heart's soul/death is not the end
The Joseph Patrick Scott III (Maxflapjax) Collection
fragrant chamomile/the smell of apples below/i am stronger now
i smell like hoagies/small white things within my hair/fuck my face itches
my mother is sick/and it hurts me to the touch/the highway is green
pale moonlight gathers/parking ticket doesn't speak french/stop using your teeth
The Tara Smith (Aex) Collection
incontinence sucks/constantly change the diapers/cries for pee freedom
nice bleeding poohole/how about i lick your eye/this is good pie mom
secret behind shed/unwrapped youth seeks protection/not in my peehole
shitty gaping hole/i'll sew it closed with my dick/hot greasy turd breath
yeast infection scam/coupon for five percent off/carton says "expired"
The Merrill Jacob Barkett, Jr. (JJ) Collection
all the cats are mad/junior needs some discipline/turned to litter box
Ari Fleischer's gone/Maybe he's cool off the clock./He's still a dickfeel.
buckets, ladders, paint/gringo truck going so slow/I think they're all high.
cat gas curls nose hair/Fluffy purrs and seems amused/8 lives left for sure
catbox full again/scoop the poop into a bag,/take a BIG ole bite
Colin Powell is/"not a step'n fetchit black/controlled by whites". Riiiiiiiiiight.
Condoleeeeza Rice/Sounds like an Indian dish/that makes your dick drip.
cousin-love aside/nothing wrong with the deep south/except all those fags
Crap trap maintenance.../Who gets to clean that filter?/For love or money?
Creativity?/Originality? Art?/Same shit, diff'rent scene.
Dubya lied, people died/tens of thousands pay with lives/Bush snickers and smirks
dumb, drunken coke head/screws the world and blames Clinton/I want to vote twice
eye to eye they met/this time it was forever/then she queef'd ...again
finger in my nose/Shel Silverstein comes to mind/better not chance it
fishnets in a pile/Sisters t-shirt on the lamp/secret tattoos found
fungus can be fun/if she's into comic books/call him "Little Hulk"
girls on film are great/nothing better than hot ass/unless it needs shots
glad you're here, let's mope.../Put out the clove, my mom's home/OW! HEY...you BIT me!
gothic night club raid/wooden stakes, silver bullets/dead no longer dance
government steps in/targeted killing campaign/EPA hates farts
Heh. Donald Rumsfeld./Funny talking down to you,/Scary killing you.
I'd like to meet Stan/when he shakes my hand, I'll say/"do you own a blimp?"
"Kerry has flip-flopped!"/bumper sticker sloganing/details equal "spin"
La Reconquista:/poor christians build voting ranks.../Presidente Juan?
MaggotCon '04/Herds of sarcastic Klingons.../Who's watching the NOC?
Maybe we can't win/maybe we're not important/until elections
minimum wage works/If the market decided,/beans and beer for pay
Moratorium:/no more dumpster diving, here./hobo wants my sex
Nazi-like rulers/kill at will, and rape the world/but we've got haiku
Neckar rides in blimps/eating pho and saying "ASS"/marmots at the helm
Ocean City cop/"to protect and serve" my ass/save the world from fun
Ole' John Ashcroft./Doesn't dance or drink or swear./SOMEONE FUCK THIS GUY!
"PARTY NAKED! WOOOOO!!!!"/dreaded call at reunions--/Class of 1910.
Piss and vinegar/Fiesty grads recount frat pranks/best avoid the punch
plastic jesus fish/driving telepathically/soccer moms ahoy!
playing with my dick/flops from leg to leg until/bouncers throw me out
randy learns too late/junkies looking for a fix/conspire for his pee
right wing media/parasites misquote and lie/"shove it", you assholes!
sad discovery/post-relay beer had a prize:/ass-flavored quarter
same shit, dif'rent year/crazy sluts in bustieres/too much grog to care
"School sucked today, mom"/"well...when i was your age dear-"/bombs fall. people die
"set my place" again/cut one before sitting down/the smell of regret
slept with contacts in/fumble my way to the can/whoops. that's the hamper.
"So alive, AWAKE!/Vampyre lust--I ache for blood!"/Trust me. It's the drugs.
south will rise again/homes have wheels for a reason/invasion plans found
spring break movie plan/"lose virginity at beach"/jail brings a surprise
squealing like a pig/limping drunk assault machine/and that's the Mayor
Stanislav Neckar/ain't the best hockey player/but his name is cool
terror plans unfound/Pete Townsend and Chong busted/Thank god! We're safe now!
the horse whisperer/should've kept it to himself/jerky's hard to gum
Third party running?/don't let greater evil win/vote for the pretzel
Tony Blair Says/"History will forgive us"/Maybe. But I won't.
TV sings at food/happy faces dance with lunch/we wait 'til it's poo
waiting for the day/when i watch the news and see/CAPS TRADE FOR NECKAR
Wal-Mart mp3s/cheaper tunes and no cuss words/embedded ads next?
Warmongering Bush./Break open his head--Surprise!/Filled with chicken poo.
wiped and wiped and wiped-/never seems to get it all-/sniff it to be sure
you talkin to me?/well, i'm the only one here./yeah? alright... shitheel
zoo elephant loose/Planters car in peanut shape/imagine the rest
"Zoo Trips For Dummies! --/Please Don't Feed The FUCKING BEARS!!!"/by B. Milano
The Chrizto Collection
burrito in fridge/heat it up and suck it down/i'll sleep great tonight
cataclysmic death/matter of soul and fire/haikus never rhyme
darkened UUcube/download porn to stay awake/phone rings off the hook
drip felt down the neck/you can feel the red trail left/now this shirt is trash
flying through the air/some swords grazed a piece of flesh/now the thumb is gone
goddamn fucking hell/fucking shitty shitty fuck/motherfucking cunt
horror wrenching pain/sounds terrific but it's not/Poppy Z Brite r0x
i don't know what i/meant by that last haiku there/god I'm fucking stoned
isis, queen of death/let me put my lips to you/now I am in bliss
mailing lists are fun/rampant psychoburbia/kicked me off the list
nothing more to say/haiku followups are fun/this thread will die now
okay maybe not/fucking thing burned my lips off/snickers satisfies!
once upon a time/this guy walked into a bar/wow that must have hurt
ploopy the clown cries/where will he insert jimmy?/spread the cheeks of love
roommate sits alone.friends is taking WAY too long/time is slowing down
sneezing all damned day/conference calls are quite a pain/when hay fever calls
star wars talk is gaye/sure it was a good movie/shut the fuck up, now
undertow, spooky/dreampop guitars rule my world/gimme indie rock
unused ibanez/sitting in the corner there/still out of the band
walking in LA/missing persons had it right/walk without legs, fool!
The Tracy "PGBTT" Sykes Collection
about Survivor/i say, i don't give a FUCK/damned water cooler
always last in line/no one will ever read my/pgbtt poetry
andy is his name/*sometimes* lucky at billards/asshole is HIS game
andy's weirdo tunes/like goddamn son of a bitch/are sing-a-long faves!
are you too busy/or buried neck deep in sludge?/methinks the latter
black satin bluejeans/pgbtts can't wear leather pants!/subtle curled pink tail
britney spears' music/is an atrocity, yet/she elicits lust
but a reminder/i do make *damn* good chili!/come eat on sunday
donkey oh donkey/why have you forsaken me?/she whined morosely
drooling for kraftwerk/donkey dick lurks in the booth/hmm...scared to shoot pool?
every time i hear/jack and bert in the morning/vomiting ensues
getting in my car/after a long night...Joy! Bliss!/gatorade half full
here's my confession:/I AM NOT MORE GOTH THAN YOU/i shop at the gap
i would be obscene/i don't really think i should/saint could sue me then
if the last stanza/makes no sense, then my e-mail/has fucked me again
mayhap you are trapped/on an isle full of sirens/...cannot be disturbed
most likely, 'this this:/ratface told my deep secret/i own britney tunes!!!
never again will/we speak; all respect is lost/fun while it lasted! :(
pgbtt desires:/bring goddamn son of a bitch/she sings it so well
pigbutt: some dickheads/erroneously assume/"her ass!!" fuck off, punks
pigbutt is funny/meaning can be misconstrued/better than "bitch" though
ratface, donkey dick/mere sniveling worshippers/before the pigbutt
replacement lyrics/"got a black magic pgbtt"/damn right, peckerheads!
sometimes on tuesdays/i come into work and think:/'wish my hair was pink'
songs that are oldies/must be manipulated/to serve the pigbutt
sure is boring here/without ridiculous mail/from andy to read
thong thong thong thong thong/who is the fucking genius/that wrote these lyrics?
when she wears those pants/sound echos 'cross the bar, "damn!"/missed the shot again!
The Jason "DOS_BOY" Powers Collection
alarm clock ringing/perhaps i should have slept some/too busy fucking
click here for money/get paid to surf internet/this is not a joke
consumers buy stuff/i try to sell it to them/you need a gold chain
damn, your ass is nice/big and round, a pure delight/your ass, i fuck it
farm living is life/land spreading out far and wide/give me countryside
hiphop music lives/KRS-1 knows the score/criminal minded
i have a big gun/it makes loud noise and stuff/i am entertained
i wake up with wife/wait, when did i get married?/god bless las vegas
i watch wrestling/i smoked the entire bowl/i want to punch you
i'm moving on up/moving up to the east side/piece of the pie
my dog humps my leg/is it wrong to enjoy it?/i must buy new pants
nothing is ordered/unalphabetical mess/having convulsions
post no bills here sir/you are not welcome here sir/no parking here sir
the moon hits your eye/just like a big pizza pie/that is a-painful
where are my manners/i should have introduced you/now you are left out
whoa, you have huge tits/so what if you ain't kate moss/love heavy hangers
you are a big guy/that huge ass is in my way/richard simmons bait
your phone doesn't ring/because i was drunk that night/please stop paging me
The Bauke van der Wal Collection
analog squeaking/pulsating the inner ear/new vinyl is coming
ant hill has spoken/start saving the money for it/order when ready
ian you silly/i only fancy you, dear/our goatees are cool
The Christian "P.A.L." Pallentin Collection
Drunk at the AMOK/Too many bagpipes around/Mephi, play some noise!
Home at 6 P.M./Listening to the best stuff/Silence is sexy
Up at 5 A.M./Aphex on the radio/Concrete in my head
The Hana [email@example.com] Collection
black. gothic. haiku/this one stinks and so do you!/letters "P" and "U"
dust falling gently/onto a sweaty sausage/"ja, mit senf bitte!"
fickle winds blow here/haiku fashionable now/new fad? go figure!
gone 'cause ya fear me!/your haikus can't get near me!/listen and hear me!
haiku contest lives!/poetic resurrection/submit entries now!
haiku master he/ian, washington, d.c./not a sea-goth be
halloween toy hunt/synth-pop lyric lost and found/club roll-call, who's who
he will judge the worth/of your mentioned haiku verse/better over worse
my haikus plain? whack?/yeah, you *must* be smokin' crack!/don't dis *me*, matteblack!
my offer still stands/very best haiku will win/super surprise prize
seattle gothic/fluff-filler dot.com time-suck/has eaten my soul
so submit! impress!/craft lines of haiku genius!/sea-goths, wrack your brains!
"the puppykisser"/for whom this contest was born/my cyber pen-pal
this judge will offer/an impartiality/ian knows you not!
vague and murky/catbox full of smelly *plonk*/discuss hot topics
yo, here's a haiku switch up!/seven, five, seven/i smack my haiku bitch up!
The Leeny [firstname.lastname@example.org] Collection
batty old woman/it feels like floating on clouds/do you smell something?
down the steep driveway/making the grandest entrance/on my ass. damn boots!
earning our goth points/you know the moves - everyone!/*hand, staple, forehead.*
fog over the bay/obscured view of city/another commute
grandma always said/don't play in the piles of leaves/dogs go potty there
her male counterpart/no better than she - egad!/silver lame' thong
"hey now, hey now now/sing this corrosion to me"/DJ potty break
i need to watch out/cleavage makes a great target/for those cherry stems
in the corner booth/people-watch till friends arrive/mortified, i glimpse
last call? i'm not done!/too late - barback collects cups/time to stumble home
leather-clad syren/swoops through the dark smoke, but oops!/she's got no undies!
no one saw it, though/just the security cam/face flushed. "five bucks, please?"
october delight/fallen leaves form soft mountains/into which i leap
vnv in town/not hard to get a ticket/but i've put it off
west seattle bridge/it's sure not the 520/for that, i'm grateful
The Sunny [email@example.com] Collection
bulging PVC/lumpen and stuffed like sausage/bimbo, of the night
i'm a vampire!/see my spooky plastic fangs?/ignore the lisp, please
The Christopher Collins Collection
ask me for my PIN/your chances of procurement/i'd say slim to none
brownian motion/words incite raucous laughter/think i'll take a dump
find me an outhouse/and i'll make enchiladas/they'll probably suck
quantify my dump/find a scale and protractor/now you know me well
the hundred years war/did not last long enough for/me to wipe my butt