Each of the following carry a content rating provided by Amature Jokesters of America Council & Associates (A JAC Ass.)
RATED: PG-13
An old man and old woman met after both became residents at an old folks home. They began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company.After about 3 weeks of getting to know each other, the old man said to the woman, "I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore. But if pulled out my penis, would you hold it.". The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would.
Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the mans penis. One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out search for him. Farther down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in other womans hand. This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man, have been together for 2 months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"
"Parkensons!", replied the old man with a smile.
RATED: PG-13
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"
"Well", the kid drawls, "This here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'"
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape --I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!", the farmer yells back.
"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."
"Hang on there son!," the farmer says. "I'll get my hat!!"
RATED: G
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
RATED: G
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man " Aren't they cute, what is their names? " The man giving the lady an angry look replied ' I don't know". The lady asked again '" which is a boy and which is a girl" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know " . The woman then started to scold the man " What kind of a father are you ? " The man replied " I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company!"
RATED: PG
So this couple had been married for about five years, and one fine summer day as they're out working in the yard, the man tells his wife, "Man, you're butt is getting fat."
She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The guy follows her and says, "You know that big gas grill over there. I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!" The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard HIMSELF and she goes inside.
Then the husband finds a yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, "Yup. They are both the same size." The wife is livid. She doesn't speak to him the rest of the day.
When the man comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, "Hey, honey, how 'bout it?"
She thinks for a moment and pulls away.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"You're crazy if you think I'm firing up this big gas grill for one little weenie."
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