My Deep Thoughts

Once, I was chasing my tail... and I realized... I don’t have a tail...

**When I get rich one day, I hope I’m not mean to poor people...like I am now...

**When I see someone fall, my first instinct is to laugh... but then I think, what if I was an ant, and they fell on me? Then it wouldn't be quite so funny...

If I can stick my gum to my bedpost overnight, I wonder if I can stick my potatoes there too...



The other day, I lost a tooth so I put it under my pillow without telling anyone...and I didn't get any money...

Even though you may not be paranoid, it doesn’t mean no one is out to get you...

I always wondered why at fast food restaurants, it's called, "drive-thru." I mean, you aren't actually driving through...You're just driving by... Shouldn't it be called "drive-by"? But then that's close to a "drive-by shooting," and you aren't actually shooting anyone... Of course you could shoot someone while "driving through"... And it would be a "drive-by shooting..." But that's not the point I'm trying to make...



When I used to go trick-or-treating, I would go up to people and say, “Boo!” It never actually scared anyone.. but boy, was it fun!!!

When I go to buy groceries, I just once want to pay in all pennies, just to see the reaction of the check-out clerk when he has to count all the money...



When I was younger, I used to stand out by the curb holding a sign that said, “Lemonade, $.25,” and I used to make money... I wonder if I could make money doing that now...

Sometimes my imaginary friend talks to me... yesterday he told me he wasn’t a real person... but I didn’t believe him...

Once I had a dream I was flying in an airplane and it crashed... I still wonder how many people survived...



I don't know why people will get a tongue ring but are afraid of getting a shot... isn't it basically the same thing?

One time, I was playing spin-the-bottle, only I was playing it with my pets since no one was home... and I had to kiss my cat...

One time I was eating a piece of chicken... It was really good, too... But then I started thinking... What if I was a chicken, and someone was eating me??? Then, the chicken wasn't quite so good anymore...

If the world is round, couldn’t you just mount yourself in the air and let the earth rotate to the place you want to go instead of flying there?



How come you can see the moon during the day sometimes, but you can’t see the sun during the night?

One time I was playing basketball, and I got hit in the head with a stick... that’s when I realized I wasn’t playing basketball...

The other day, my phone rang, and when I answered it, no one was there... So I went and answered the door... No one was there, either...



Why is it that when you want to listen to a song on the radio, a commercial is always on?

Or the same song is on more than one station...and you HATE that song??

Or you like every song on every station, but you can’t listen to them all because you don’t have ten ears??

Once, I was pulled over for speeding...but the cop told me it was because my headlight was out... boy, was he wrong or what?!?

Then another time, I got pulled over for no seat belt... and I also got a ticket for speeding and having no insurance verification... guess he didn’t know about the headlight...



Once, I went to the store to buy eggs...but they didn’t have eggs at K-Mart...

Once, I thought I could fly, so I went up to my roof and jumped off... I found out I couldn’t...

When I was younger, I used to have a fear of heights...but now I’m taller and I don’t have a fear of my head...

For once I’d like to see one of those “Got Milk?” commercials saying something else...

I hate it when there is a new product coming out, and all of a sudden the Energizer bunny pops up out of nowhere... I wonder why so many new products have him in their advertisements...



At night, I usually count sheep... but I always fall asleep before I get them all counted...

Once I committed suicide...but I didn't like it...

**I think I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before...

**If we truly are what we eat, most of us would be cheap, fast, and easy...

For Christmas, we put up lights but they wouldn't work... They kept flashing on and off...

I gave a key to my house to my neighbor so that if I ever lock myself out, I can go next door and get the key... but then I realized, if he isn't home when I lock myself out, it's pointless for him to have a key... so I went back next door and took it from him...



One time, I was looking for my keys... and someone told me they would be in the last place I looked... well, I still haven't looked in the last place...

Once, I decided I'd try making my own cotton candy, so I started eating cotton... but it didn't taste like candy...

A few weeks ago, someone asked me for directions to a place I didn't have a clue where it was... So I gave them directions to end up right back where they had started from, only first to drive a few miles way out of their way... I wonder if they ever found out where they were going?

One time, I forgot and left my windows rolled down in my car... Thank goodness the doors were locked...

I went to buy new shoes the other day, and I tried one shoe on... but it didn't fit, so I put it on my other foot... and it fit just fine...



**Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines...

**Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...

Once, I was hit by a car, and when I came to... I realized it had only been a baseball bat hitting me in the head... really hard...

**I'm not cheap, but I'm on special this week...

**I intend to live forever ~~ so far, so good...

If the Road Runner always outran that Coyote, why didn't the coyote just find another road runner to chase????

**When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...

Once, I threw a boomerang, but it didn't come back to me... so I threw it backwards the next time... it still didn't come back...



I went to the drive-up window at the bank the other day, and I told them it was a "drive-by" not "drive-thru..." and they all ducked...

**If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something...

**What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

**I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder...

**I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose...



One time, I was running around in circles...and I realized... I was lost...

Once, I was looking for a new car... so while my neighbors were at work, I went and hot wired their other vehicle and moved it to our driveway... boy were they sure mad when they got home from work...

I've noticed I've lost my mind here lately... I better go look for it...I sure hope it's not where my keys are...

One time, I was eating an apple... and it had a worm in it... but I didn't eat the worm...

I wish I had a lot of money... and I wish I was rich too...

I was watching a soap opera the other day... but I never saw any singing soap...



**When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year... I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety...

**I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights... I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone...

I got a pet dog just like the Taco Bell dog... only I can't understand him since he only talks in Spanish...

The other day I started singing that song that doesn't end... and I'm still singing it...

**Not all men are annoying... Some are dead...

**I started out with nothing and still have most of it left...

**I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead...



Once, I forgot to remember to forget what I had remembered to forget... or something like that...

I made popcorn once... I put some corn in the microwave, only it didn't really pop...

My computer said to "Press any key to continue," so I took my car key out and pressed it as hard as I could... but nothing happened...

Once, I mailed a letter to a friend, only I didn't use a stamp... I just flipped the addresses around, and left the stamp off... the post office sent the mail to my friend, saying they needed a stamp...

I walked under a ladder the other day, just to see if I'd have bad luck... and a black cat walked in front of me...

One time, I went to McDonald's, and they asked me if I wanted fries with that... I said no, but that I wanted a pizza...



I drove up to the "drive-by" window at Taco Bell, and I told them my order wasn't to go...

The other night, I stayed in a motel and they had the remote control glued to the table so no one would steal it... so before I left, I glued the sheets to the bed...

**You're ruining my bad reputation...

**Schizophrenia sure beats being alone...

Once, I tried to drive myself crazy... but I only got lost...

Why do they call it homesick when you are away from home??





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